Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Am I Bi-Polar??

Posted In: Mental conditions 2 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • October 10, 2007
  • 05:48 PM

I have not been diagnosed as being Bipolar by a physician, they have always told me I had depression (what about all the rage I am feeling too & the bad mood swings?) doctors are wrong all the time! I was even told I had Adult ADD. As I was watching Oprah one day, I realized that those bipolar people sure did sound like me.* So I then got curious & started doing some research on the Internet on Bipolar & I fit most of the criteria.* I was amazed that this could really have a name & that I may not be just a crazy b**** after all.* My dad & his sister were always "crazy" & I can see myself becoming like them more & more the older I get.* I do not want my 2 children living in an angry*house like I did. *I am a 33 yr. old wife & mother of two. This is my story, see if it sounds like Bipolar...I had this boyfriend when I was age 16-20 yrs old that was just like me as far as being mad at the drop of a hat.* We had a very rocky life together.* I would feel like he wasn't paying enough attention to me, so I would go out & have sex with other men.* When he would find out, he would be so angry with me that one time he actually tried to throw me out of his truck while we were going down the road. Another time he choked me & slammed me up against a wall. Four years of horrible scrutinizing of me and screaming at me all the time did me in.*When it would blow over & we'd get back together, I could always manipulate him & tell him that it was his fault that I had sex with these other guys...& he believed me.*It felt good about myself as long as I could get guys to "want me", but not put out.* I would tease them for months & then finally shocked them by saying let's meet at the motel in 5 minutes.*That was my high.*I was 17 when I consciously admitted to myself that something was indeed wrong with me.*When I was 20 yrs old, I broke off my relationship with this man that I had been dating for four yrs. (& he was also four yrs older than me) - who had been nothing but bad for me. He looked at me and told me I was crazy and he pitied the man I would end up with. Was I that bad? I thought I was fun to be around! In my mind I was the perfect catch, and he was the crazy one! I started up another relationship immediately (the very next day) afterwards with someone who was his complete opposite. This was in January of 1995. The relationship was a whirlwind, and within three months, we were engaged. Four months later, we were married. And immediately after that, I became severely depressed. I lost my job. At age 17, my parents put into a mental ward and put me on Prozac.*I was scared to be on medicine for the rest of my life.* I got into fights and experienced road rage every time I was driving (I still have very bad road rage). I knew that something was wrong but I didn't want to admit it. I hide my feelings with anger, I lashed out at my family for my problems. I went from the perky, happy go*lucky, smiley, bubbly teenager that I was, to a cynical, irritable, moody,*slightly depressed pain in the **s.*My fiery irritability, ever changing moods, and violent out*bursts were out of control.* I was never violent before this. I was smoking a pack a cigarettes by the age of*16, drinking, partying, staying out till sunrise, and hanging out with 20 year olds. I was spending*money like it was nothing.* I bought myself everything I wanted and things*for my friends too.*I didn't care.* I was absent about 32 days in my first semester of my junior year.*I skipped school so I could go drinking with my friends. At this point I missed so much school it only worsen my depression and I*stopped going, or make a weekly appearance.* I quit school my junior year because I couldn't wait to get out of there, school was so boring.* I wanted to get out & do more important things, or so I thought.* My mind was always racing & I was starting to go through these cycles of feeling either extremely high (although I never used drugs), or I felt extremely low & depressed for days, sometimes weeks.* I had spells of being moody and full of rage. During my depressions, I would spend hours in my room writing poetry, or walking the streets of my town. I had severe depression as a teen, and yet, even after telling several people, it was brushed off as an "adolescent thing."*I was put on several different antidepressant medications, but that*never worked, sometimes it felt like it was making me*rage even more.* I thought people were watching me, thinking that scorpions were on me all the time.* I had irrational fears of getting cancer. I am*very good*in hiding feelings, thoughts, and myself. I can easily just erase something from my mind like it never happened.* Rage has been one of the hardest obstacles for me to deal with.* I struggled to keep a job. I was an optician since 1999.*The Optical field was all I had ever known, all I ever really wanted to do.*I worked mostly in the lab by myself & I would throw these fits where I would cuss & throw things across the room. Sometimes I would have to go out & sell glasses to the public, which I absolutely HATED having to deal with people.* If they didn't pick their frames right away, I would be furious!* Everyone thought I just had a bad temper, but it got to the point that the doctors I worked for didn't want to deal with me or my mood swings anymore, so I have been fired from all my jobs.* I even went so far as to go back to college to re-train myself for a new career field.* But alas, I also was unable to complete that.* I have started college numerous times with numerous majors. I would always lose interest about midway through the semester-if I even made it that far! I went to college for almost 2 years and got a total of 9 credits. I was wasting my time. I have always been the mother who was so involved in every facet of lives of my children. I learned how to suppress the symptoms for social situations so that no one would ever know I had a problem.* I tend not to want to be a people person.*I usually stay away from meeting new people or making new friends unless I absolutly HAVE TO.*It takes everything that I have to get up and take care of the kids everyday. *I can't talk to anyone about it, I*am scared!* I don't want to be the bad mom. I let my housework go, I could barely take care of myself let alone two children - being at home all the time with the kids got to me.* I could stay up all night without being the sleepy the next day.* I noticed that my moods were beginning to cycle and I couldn't control them.* I have a terrible time concentrating.* Sometimes when I am raging, I beat myself on the head and chest with my fists while screaming.* The good feelings change to anger, irritability and raging rampages.*I hardly shower or brush my teeth, don't bother changing out of my nightgown, I'm very angry, rageful when confronted with reality by family members.* I just couldn't make phone calls, couldn't leave the house, wouldn't talk, and would only scream at those around me.* I*wake up*filled with*dread.* I put on the TV. and listen to the news, over and over.* Then I wake up my son & daughter, give them a bowl of cereal, and put on the lesser dirty of the two pair of pants that fit me.* I drive the four miles to school and rush home although there is absolutely no reason to rush.* I am coming home to an empty house, no job, and no obligations, except two:* baby-sit someone else‘s kids all day, and pick up my kids from school at 3:00.*I never answer the phone--all calls are screened. I can't sit still for a full hour to watch something on TV.* Very rarely do I get much household stuff done.*I have 2 kids that come to my house that I baby-sit about 10:00 AM everyday.* I try my best do a good job with them.* There is a two yr old boy that is very cool (not one bit of trouble out of him) & his sister is one yr old.* She is a bit moody herself & when she cries, it sends me into orbit!* I have to do everything in my power not to hurt her. I am afraid that one day I might get too mad & hurt one of them & they are not even my kids.* Their mother doesn't know that I have these terrible mood swings.* I would never want to hurt any child, NEVER.* I feel so guilty that I even think these things about these kids & that makes me depressed.* I have to do something to earn money & if I can't keep a job, babysitting is the next best thing.* I don't feel like I will be able to do that for long because my moods are so quick to turn & I would not want to be responsible for someone else's kids.* This isn't me when I have these feelings about these kids...I love kids, I use to be the cool mom, now nobody wants to come over because I scream at my kids all the time.* That is not fair for any of them. When the kids get home from school, I cannot focus on anything because of all the noise & that makes me angry most days & I wind up screaming at them when all they are trying to do is tell me about their day at school.* Background noise makes me crazy, if the kids want to talk, everyone else has to be quiet, mute the TV, etc. so I can focus on what they are saying, otherwise I start screaming.* It's like all my emotions are just completely intensified!* My thoughts are always racing through my mind over & over. I can walk into the room happy and energetic and then five seconds later I am depressed accusing my husband of not loving me and screaming at him. Then I would be happy and laughing again.* I still wonder how my husband has managed to live through the thoroughly irritable, agitated and angry person I became so frequently and the even longer depressions that would follow.*I love my family so very much & they are wonderful.* I see the days / weeks / months just flying by & I want to slow it down so I can live my life with them & take my time.* It seems like my life is flying by me so fast (like I‘m in the middle of a tornado) & I am missing special moments with my family.* I'm on the outside looking in, I so desperately want back in.

Reply Flag this Discussion

2 Replies:

Thanks! A moderator will review your post and it will be live within the next 24 hours.