I am 17 years old, going into my senior year in high school. I was diagnosed with depression when I was still in elementary school. I have always been very depressed, and not without reason. I have been teased relentlessly for different things (usually my weight) for my entire life. I have also been abused by parents since around the time I started puberty. It was mostly my dad at first, but since my mom has gone off her anti-depressants (she claims they are too expensive) she has been extremely mentally and physically abusive a lot of the time. Sometimes she is just fine, which makes me suspect bipolar... but this is about me, not my mother.
When I say very depressed, I mean very depressed. I cut myself for several years, but stopped after I was hospitalized for two or three days in December of my tenth grade year (I was 15). I did not stop because the hospital helped, but rather because the unfamiliarity of it all scared me immensely. I only stopped because I was terrified of going back. I often feel the urge to cut again, and fear I might start again when I begin living alone. I was in therapy off and on for years, but haven't been back since last year. I also used to be on several different kinds of medication (I remember at least Prozac, but I know I was on three at one time), but went off of them because they simply didn't help.
I have recently asked my mother to go back to my old doctor because I simply feel overwhelmed by life and feel a bit suicidal. She basically told me to get over it, and both my parents tell me on a daily basis that I'm "crazy," usually when I get upset at a break in routine or throw a fit. Sometimes, I throw tantrums... it isn't something I intentionally do, but when I get extremely overstimulated or upset, I will put my hands over my ears and sometimes scream. It makes me feel stupid, and childish, but it's something I feel like I can't always control.
I asked my psychiatrist about Borderline Personality Disorder about a year ago, but she said she didn't think I had it because I was simply too young. I feel I have many of the symptoms, though. For example (and this is not something I'm proud of at all), I used to threaten suicide to get my ninth grade boyfriend to stay on the phone with me. I am terrified of being alone, both literally and in the sense of being without a boyfriend. Everyday I worry that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I feel very strongly about relationships. For example, I had a teacher last year who I could understand isn't THAT bad, but she did some things that got on my nerves. I knew in my head that she was not a horrible person, and I knew that I rationally should not dislike her. But I felt a PASSIONATE hate for her, so much so that I couldn't even look at her without feeling a little sick. This also works the other way... when I make a friend, or especially become romantically interested in someone, I become completely obsessed with them. It's all black and white, with no gray in between.
I can NOT figure out what I want to do with my life. Basically since I knew what a teacher was I wanted to be a teacher, but suddenly I feel trapped by that and keep changing what I want to be basically every day. Since I'm a senior now, it's very important that I buckle down and decide, but I just can't.
I am INCREDIBLY impulsive. I adore anything that has to do with gambling, mostly online poker, and pump lots of money into it. I have used my mom and grandmas' credit cards without permission to gamble with. I also EAT. Whenever I have the money and the chance to get away (which isn't often, because I am not driving yet), I will order extreme amounts of food and eat it all. For example, I once went to Taco Bell and ordered two crunchwraps, two nachos, three cheesy potatoes, two hard tacos, and a burrito and ate it all for lunch. Food is basically all I think about. When we were planning our trip to Las Vegas, all I could think about was all the times I would get to eat out. I also really enjoy spending money on things, even if I know I won't use them.
I feel completely empty and worthless most of the time, if not always. I hate life a lot, to be honest, and often wish for death. I often have some mood changes, but not ones that are long enough or definable enough to make me think bipolar.
I know this has been long already, but now let me explain the parts that make me feel that I could also have Aspergers.
My parents tell me constantly that I have no ability to pick up on social cues. I really care about people, and I often make friends easily, but I have a lot of trouble keeping them and understanding them. I am very afraid of social situations, to the point where I don't leave the house unless I have to. I hate parties. It scares me to even leave the house to go to the grocery store. I didn't order my own food at restaurants until I was a teenager because I was afraid of talking to people. I still really can't stand asking teachers questions or basically talking to anyone I don't know unless I absolutely have to. I have a really hard time with prolonged eye contact.
I CANNOT STAND CHANGE. At all. We had our Christmas tree up in our living room for a year once, because no one ever took it down, and I cried when they finally did (I was 14). It is extremely hard for me to adjust to school vacation, and to adjust to going back. I have "rules" that I must follow or I get upset- for example, I only drink diet coke in cans (it can't be cold), but I will drink diet pepsi in cans or small bottles. Regular sodas are the only kind I will drink out of two-liters, but it has to be extremely cold.
I have very passionate, fixed interests that I dive into for weeks or months and then tire of. My last obsession was the Titanic. I checked literally dozens of books out of the library, read every website and watched every documentary I could find, and told my family everything I found out as often as I could (even when they were bored of it). Then one day, I suddenly wasn't interested anymore. When I have interests like this, I will constantly talk about them to anyone who will listen.
I have a very good memory, mostly for random facts, numbers, and names. I still remember the phone number of my ex-boyfriend who I haven't called in two years.
I talked very early, but I walked very late. I am very clumsy. I am told very often that I have horrible handwriting (it's the only subject I got lower than an A in in elementary school). I definitely have heightened sensitivity. The biggest thing that sets me off is chewing or other mouth noises (I sometimes have to leave the room when someone is eating because the sound irritates me) but there are lots of little things that can bother me a lot. I get chills if I hear anything that sounds vaguely like ice, for example.
One of the things that bothers me the most is my fear. I fear social situations, like I said. I fear having to answer questions in class (I will be unable to sleep at times for fear of this). Basically, I am afraid of everything. I constantly stress myself out with worry until I feel burnt out and spend my whole day in bed.
I am so sorry that this is so long. I'm just so sad, so worried, and so desperate to know what is wrong with me. I really hope you took the time to read this.
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