Hello I am so frustrated with not beeing able to understand myself and with the people I love beeing frustrated because they can't understand me. So maybe I can get some answers that I need here.........
When I was months old my biological mother walked out of my life and back in until I was 2 yrs. My step mother moved in with my father and I when I was 3 yrs and when I was 4 yrs my bio logical mother and her boyfriend kidnapped me from my back yard I didnt know who she was and still remember that day very clearly. I was diagnosed at 4 yrs with ADHD went to councelling for a few months. When I was 14 I was rediagnosed with ADHD and depression and hospitalized put on prozac and ritalin. I went to councelling for about a year. When I was in my early 20's i was hospitalized took some stress management courses was put on so many meds I was a zombie spoke with a spychologist for a year and am still seeing my spychiatrist. I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder possible bi polar adhd. Here are my symptoms......
I have to add up everything when I put it into my grocery cart I have to put it on the conveyer belt myself in a specific order and add it all again. I recite conversations in my head before I have them with someone else. I do not hear voices I do not answer myself I just go through my side of the conversation. I have the need to spell out the words in my head when people speak to me. I am very up and down I can be in a great mood and then someone or something can set me off in an instant wher I am short and snippy and aggitated. I have to know what is going to happen before it happens I need my day to be planned ahead of time I have an anxiety attack over not knowing what to expect. I get so angry or upset with people or situations that I will hit myself in the head/face or scratch myself with something sharp to relieve the stress /anger/ pain. Once I have done this I am back to a calm state. I wish that I wasnt alive before I inflict pain on myself but I do not want or plan to kill myself I just feel like everyone would be happier and better off with me and question why God hasnt taken me left what I have done wrong to have to live this life. But I am totally functional and intelligent and am amazingly strong and succesful when I put my mind to do something. If someone did not leave with me or know me very very well they may not even know that I have problems. i also can not get on a bus or go to a busy place bymeslf as I will have an anxiety attack my ears and face turn very red and hot and my heart races this also happens with me when too many things in my life go wrong all at once and seem very overwhelming to me. But I always keep it together when I need to I just break down when I dont have to keep it together. I have huge issues where I always think that I am not good enough for my boyfriend I fear that when he goes to get coffee that he will not come back or that he is cheating on me I fear that he does not love me I hate my body and am very self concious. I am very jealous and fearful of abandonment. So there you have it anybody with any advice is appreciated thank you :)
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