I am hoping, maybe just through the grace of God, I can find some possible help here.
Basically, I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Even when I was in fifth grade, I thought about killing myself. I did try to kill myself when I was 17, again when I was 20 and last full attempts were when I was 22.
Around the last attempt is when I started trying to seek consistent treatment for depression. Since then, I have spent years in therapy and tried MANY different medications. My diagnosis has changed from major depressive episode - recurring, to major depression, to bipolar 2, add on some ADD, then change back to depression, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and now at treatment resistant depression.
I have changed providers often due to insurance changes and moving out of state. At this point, I have hit ground zero again. After many years of vowing not to kill myself, I have discarded that vow and I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't get it back.
I'm not sure what the best way to do this is... but here we go.
depressed mood - hopeless, distraught, blue, however you want to pharse it
fatigue - tired almost all the time. then some nights I don't fall asleep easily
lack of concentration and motivation - the stack of bills on my table dates back to a year ago
at some points, irritable
the worst right now is the suicidal thoughts
Also - I don't if it is related at all, but I have what is chalked up to IBS. Almost every single time I eat, I get diarrhea. In the evenings I have acid reflux.
Other possible causes that have been ruled out:
sleep apnea - I underwent an overnight study that showed nothing wrong
multiple sclerosis - I have a sibling with this so after seeing a neurologist, I had an MRI that came back normal
I have had multiple lab tests done - CBCs, showing no obvious issues with thyroid or insulin
Now the fun part...
Medications I've been on:
I apologize if I repeat any especially with the generics and brand names
Wellbutrin XL (currently taking)
Adderall XL (currently taking)
Xanax (not continuously, just before flying or when I get suicidal)
I generally have only had terrible side effects from the meds. I was lucky if they just didn't help at all. I've put on weight, been more lethargic, and even got the dangerous rash from lamotrigine.
I'm now left with MAOIs and tricyclics. I'm not fond of either of these options. I don't like the restrictions on food and other meds with the MAOIs and I've heard bad things about the TCAs.
It is now coming down to ECT which I can't afford memory loss. I have now exhausted all of my options in my town, and would now have to search for psychs that would be at least an hour away.
Does anyone out there have some ideas that could be causing my depression or other treatments?
Thank you so much for your help!
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