Discussions By Condition: I cannot get a diagnosis.

Stressed out student

Posted In: I cannot get a diagnosis. 6 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • January 11, 2008
  • 08:43 PM

I would first like to apologize for how whiny this post is and that I realize that so many kids go through much worse things than me but I feel so messed up. I got a scholarship to a top public school. That's when my father realized he wanted to be nice after treating my mother and I like garbage. My grades have been dropping since I got there in most subjects. I guess I never really settled in. I always tried to suppress the thought that he only wanted to be with me for the thought there was something in it for him. Recently things at school became worse. The school complained that I'm slow and inattentive. He got angry with me and admitted that only interested in successful people (and w****). I can't believe I'm being judged by this criminal. I felt sick. I developed
- A rash
- Stomach aches
- Headaches
- Aching joints and this heavy feeling in my arms
- Weight loss about 7%
- Ringing sound in my ears
- Swollen lymph nodes (ok now)
- I had hair loss (which is better now) and hair thinning
- Chills and Hypothermia once

I went to my doctors and she did various blood tests. I thought and hoped I had cancer, but the blood tests only showed a high red blood cell count. My doctor started to suspect that the symptoms were caused by stress. I switched doctors because I was scared she would write mentally unstable on my medical files or prescribe me anti-depressants. F*** with my political views and high job expectations there's no way I'm going to let this get on my record. I was seeing a councilor secretly up until about 6 months ago. It doesn't work. All I can think about how I'm being judged and being ripped off in terms of time and money. Two things I have little of. People say I appear to be calm and people say I act as if I don't care. They don't know how I learnt to shut up and put on a smile even when things weren't alright. I'd only make things worse. I don't like talking anymore, I always say the wrong thing and make things worse. I cut myself but I regret it afterwards because of the scars, my mothers response and stupid people asking what happened to your arm. This makes me even sadder. I try to hide it but that means even more stress. My mum tried to take away my weapons; sharpeners, scissors and knives but I feel so desperate. I'll use anything keys mechanical pencils, my nails and just etch away at the skin. I do stupid things. Most days I don't want to wake up. I sometimes feel suicidal. I think about it, but I can't stand the thought of the judgement on both me and my mother and the question 'Why?'. I want my death to look like an accident (Saves me the bother of writing the expected suicide note). I don't have the energy sometimes. I want something instantly. When I lose control, I take substances. So far I've overdosed on paracetamols a couple of times and inhaled/swallowed mercury (this did nothing btw my lung capacity is fine). People say I've changed, which is another way of saying who the ***l is this freak. I was a confident student who was top of class. I had the lead in school plays. Now I can barely hold a pen. My writing is abysmal. I can't do anything as well as I could. I used to be good at video games but now I'm rubbish. I struggle with doing things. It's never good enough. I'm so on the edge. I get tremors/body shakes and I'm aware of my heartbeat. Maybe it's the caffeine...

Recently a boy in my school died and everyone there was so unhappy. I wished it had been me. I'm letting both my mum and the school down. I deserve it. Not many people would be unhappy if it was me. Heck I bet my teachers would celebrate. It took me the whole night to write this. It's so pathetic. I don't know why. I don't know hat to do. I feel lost. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Is medication a good idea? What is wrong with me? People will probably just look at this and this think WTF or just laugh and look at the next post.

Anyway thank you for reading this....

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6 Replies:

  • I'm so sorry. I posted this in the wrong place. Can someone please delete this!
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 12, 2008
    • 04:12 PM
    • 0
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  • You are clearly depressed and need to seek medical help. I am not sure why you are so concerned with this being on your medical records. Your records are not shown to schools during an application process. Regardless of that you are not thinking clearly if your more concerned about schools and jobs than your life. I do not think anyone ever celebrates a death especially that of a confused kid. It seems like your depression has become so severe that you are also having some paranoid thoughts. You need to reach out and show your letter to an adult in your life that can help you get the medical attention you so clearly need.Good luck things can only get better once you start battling each problem head on with the appropriate help.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 14, 2008
    • 05:04 PM
    • 0
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  • Dear Stressed Out Student,I used to be in the same place that you were, 11 years ago. I was in high school at the top of my game, at the top of my class, with great friends, and looking into top schools. My world came crashing down on me as it sounds like yours is...I started to have all these symptoms nobody could explain and it was so discouraging I wanted to just disappear. The top grades dissapeared, some of the people who I thought were friends left, and I struggled to stay above. I didn't see what my purpose was on this earth. I had sucidial thoughts...but never acted on them. That is when you have to get help! Please seek out help! My story didn't end here and neither should yours...Counseling, therapists, medication, etc. will not be seen by colleges or future employers. The only people who have seen my medical records are myself and my drs. I urge you to continue counseling. If that counseler didn't work out find a new one. Often you have to find a counseler that you mesh well with. Medication may be necessary if you are this depressed. I am not a dr. but PLEASE go see your dr and explain to him or her what you have written in this post.I continued through counseling for a couple of years and am still on medication because I of my Clinical Depression, OCD, and Anxiety Disorder. I continued on and graduated high school on time. I continued on and am now working on my second degree in college. Your road doesn't have to be this tough. Plese seek out help, share these thoughts with your loved ones, or someone your trust, and make an appt. with a counseler or dr. I promise it helps. I've lived through it!
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 15, 2008
    • 05:07 AM
    • 0
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  • Now that the study of brain chemistry has really evolved, they are finding that many depressive-thought patients are just missing some chemicals and neuro-transmitters. I think you are really depressed also, mainly by your poor performance in school, your father's behavior (yes, parents can be jerks), and unknown psycho/physical problems that are weighing you down. Stop thinking about your future aspirations, but concentrate on getting better today. Many chemical imbalances show up at about age 18 or 19. Doesn't the school have a health service that can refer you to a psychiatrist? You won't be the first student they've seen with similar problems. Early treatment needs to start NOW. There is no shame in admitting to psychiatric disorders (the cutting and suicide thoughts). I think it's the brave ones who seek treatment.
    rad-skw 1,605 Replies
    • January 15, 2008
    • 10:14 AM
    • 0
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  • I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Take care of 'you' and live your life and not your father's. You are so special and you have a purpose in this life, and it is not to be depressed, but to live with joy and excitement . . . looking forward to this day and to tomorrow. Not to harm yourself, but to love your body and how you were created. And not to let the actions or words of someone else put you into a mind state of bondage. Do not let any human being have that kind of power and authority over you. You have a mind that you can train to think on good thoughts, good things and great goals. Surround yourself with positive people, positive things and seek your purpose for today and for the future. You are here for a reason! Look around you at all creation and how really beautiful this world is . . . you were designed to be a part of that.
    janetgsmith 1 Replies
    • January 15, 2008
    • 03:55 PM
    • 0
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  • I am very very sorry you are going through all of this and i feel similar things to you in alot of ways.Regarding the inhaling/swallowing mercury,i think its very important that you have your blood and urine levels checked.Even if you had an illness/symptoms before then its important to get that checked because that can give you many neurological and psychiatric symptoms etc and you dont want that on top of everything else that you have.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 16, 2008
    • 07:24 PM
    • 0
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