Discussions By Condition: Addictions

Pot

Posted In: Addictions 21 Replies
  • Posted By: Blue29
  • September 10, 2007
  • 04:25 PM

Me and my fiance have been arguing a little here lately. I have trust issues with him now and i hate feeling this way. Heres our situation,i need to know if im over reacting or if i have the right to be hurt at him.
Before we starting getting serious in this relationship i told him the way i am and the things that would destroy a relationship with me.I have never drunk or done drugs and he assured me that he hasnt drunk in 15 years and that he dont believe in doing drugs so i thought we was on the same page about that subject but one day i was busy here in the house and he walked outside,well when i went to find him to tell him the garbage was ready to be took to the land field i caught him smoking a joint behind the house.I was mad,hurt,disgusted all at the same time.Come to find out(after he decided to tell me the truth) he smokes on a regular basis and i never pictured him as being a liar or a dope head and thats why im so hurt.
That took place a few weeks ago and now i have trust issues cause if he'd lie to me about that just to keep me then he'd lie to me about anything.How can i take him seriously now when he swore to me that my kids was in good hands but im not so sure they are anymore cause i dont know when he high and when hes not.
He tells me he'll never do it again then he tells me he'll try not to do it again.I tell him i didnt sign up for a relationship with a dope head and im not sugar coating it all for him to feel better about being a dope head.
All i care about are the important things in life.Like family and love. If he has to have dope to get him by through life,i dont think hes gonna be strong enough for this family.I need to know for sure that he isnt smoking it before i can trust him again.

I JUST FEEL SO HURT AND CONFUSED.IT FEELS LIKE MY WORLD CRUMBLED ALL AROUND ME.I TRUSTED THIS MAN WITH MY LIFE SO WHY DOES HE LIE JUST TO GET ME HERE AND IS HE STILL LYING TO KEEP ME HERE?

How do i get him to quit for good?:confused:

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21 Replies:

  • Well, YOU can't get him to quit for good. But you can quit HIM, and I recommend doing that. You are in a codependent relationship that won't change unless HE changes his behavior and quits smoking. Please don't wait around hoping he'll do this...he may NEVER do this and you will continue to be hurt ( and your children too). Please find some counseling, therapy, or try visiting AlAnon - this may be very helpful for you. I know this is hard, but if he lied to you and you (understandibly) have trust issues, then this will be hard to just shrug off. If he makes an effort to quit and get therapy/counseling, then that is a great step. I just don't think you should continue in a relationship unless he is willing to do this - you will just set yourself up for more misery. Wishing you the best,DOM
    acuann 3,080 Replies
    • September 10, 2007
    • 06:08 PM
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  • I know i'll only get hurt more but im scared to leave.I dont wanna give up on him.I just want him to understand that there are things i wont tolerate and thats one of them but wat he does behind my back is what worries me. I have never lied to him or done anything that i knew would hurt him and thats why i question our love cause he hasnt given me the same in return.He has been smoking it for 20 years,i told him its either me or the pot. My kids deserve more respect than that too. 20 years smoking pot,i dont think he'll quit no time soon,i think you are right.Staying will only hurt more.Thanks for telling me what i needed to hear.
    Blue29 2 Replies
    • September 10, 2007
    • 06:39 PM
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  • Have you considered seeing a therapist who specializes in relationship problems. I do not see marijuana as any more of a drug than alcohol. At least your husband is not on any hard drugs. Talk it over. This could be a silly mistake if you leave your husband without really putting forth the effort and finding the cause.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • September 11, 2007
    • 10:54 PM
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  • Have you considered seeing a therapist who specializes in relationship problems. I do not see marijuana as any more of a drug than alcohol. At least your husband is not on any hard drugs. Talk it over. This could be a silly mistake if you leave your husband without really putting forth the effort and finding the cause. Pot, cocaine, alcohol, heroin, cigarettes...it really doesn't matter in my opinion what he is taking - it is an ADDICTION. Pot addiction can be just as destructive as other "hard" drugs. When you are involved in a relationship with addiction, then you are in a CODEPENDENT relationship... Absolutely get some therapy or counseling, but please realize that if your partner isn't going to change his behavior and get the help HE needs, then nothing will change or improve. 20 years is a long time, but if you show him you mean what you say, maybe it will be the spark that will get him to stop. Just be prepared to leave if he doesn't. This is all just my opinion. I have been there in the past, and when I met my husband he was abusing pot quite a bit. I flat out told him that I could never be in a relationship with him if he continued, and he stopped cold turkey. That was nearly 8 years ago and we are still together and happy... Best wishesDOM
    acuann 3,080 Replies
    • September 12, 2007
    • 00:51 AM
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  • Pot, cocaine, alcohol, heroin, cigarettes...it really doesn't matter in my opinion what he is taking - it is an ADDICTION. Pot addiction can be just as destructive as other "hard" drugs. When you are involved in a relationship with addiction, then you are in a CODEPENDENT relationship... Absolutely get some therapy or counseling, but please realize that if your partner isn't going to change his behavior and get the help HE needs, then nothing will change or improve. 20 years is a long time, but if you show him you mean what you say, maybe it will be the spark that will get him to stop. Just be prepared to leave if he doesn't. This is all just my opinion. I have been there in the past, and when I met my husband he was abusing pot quite a bit. I flat out told him that I could never be in a relationship with him if he continued, and he stopped cold turkey. That was nearly 8 years ago and we are still together and happy... Best wishesDOM He really acts and talk like he wants to change.He says he would never choose pot over me and he dont need it to get by so im hoping everything will be ok and we can work past this.Thanks for your help,its well appreciated.
    Blue29 2 Replies
    • September 12, 2007
    • 05:13 PM
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  • how long where you with him?he's better off with the pot, then anything elseif hes been smoking for a while, its just like a cup of coffee in the morning to himi wouldnt call it being high.he's obviously got his priorities straight since you haven't had anything else to compain about besides for the pot.its really as bad as you make it out to be.calling him a dope head or whatnot.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • October 11, 2007
    • 03:12 PM
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  • how long where you with him? he's better off with the pot, then anything elseif hes been smoking for a while, its just like a cup of coffee in the morning to him i wouldnt call it being high. he's obviously got his priorities straight since you haven't had anything else to compain about besides for the pot. its really as bad as you make it out to be.calling him a dope head or whatnot. Sorry, smoking pot is SO not the same thing as drinking a cup of coffee...that is completely idiotic. Do you smoke pot? Casually? You are fooling yourself if you think this can be as inocuous as drinking your morning java. Sure it is better than crack or meth, but it is still a drug and it still messes up your brain function and cognitive thinking. People who smoke pot are stuck emotionally...that is just my opinion and my experience being around "casual smokers". DOM
    acuann 3,080 Replies
    • October 11, 2007
    • 06:21 PM
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  • Sorry, smoking pot is SO not the same thing as drinking a cup of coffee...that is completely idiotic. Do you smoke pot? Casually? You are fooling yourself if you think this can be as inocuous as drinking your morning java. Sure it is better than crack or meth, but it is still a drug and it still messes up your brain function and cognitive thinking. People who smoke pot are stuck emotionally...that is just my opinion and my experience being around "casual smokers". DOMahhh, see pot is only a 'drug' because the law makers called it thatsame as how they made alcohol illegal, and then made it legal again.pot is a plant that grows natually like a pine tree.then you pick it, let it dry, and smoke it or eat it.there is no 'man made' in pot.of course its better for you than crack or meth.Id rather have 1,000,000 drivers driving on the other side of the yellow line that just smoked pot, then 1 drunk driver. anyday of the week.Pot is nothing more than an untouched cigerrette plant or a coffee plant.It grows from the earth and we use it in everyday life.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • October 11, 2007
    • 06:37 PM
    • 0
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  • i posted, it was not bad or anythingnot sure if the mod didnt allow the post or what...oh well.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • October 11, 2007
    • 07:03 PM
    • 0
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  • Well I will agree that we disagree on that point. Keep on smoking your natural weed and enjoy life. I prefer not to. DOM
    acuann 3,080 Replies
    • October 11, 2007
    • 11:18 PM
    • 0
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  • its not for everyone.but its not a HUGE Deal, like everyone seems to thinkits not a depressant like alcohol.the total opposite.the world would have less dead people if alcohol was illegal and pot was legal.i dont smoke anyways, just making a point.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • October 15, 2007
    • 03:09 PM
    • 0
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  • **** that **** there is nothing wrong with smoking pot. We have spent over a trillion dollars trying to eradicate the world's most beneficial plant off the face of the earth. Imagine what a better world this would be if that money had been spent on treatment, education and studying the medical benefits of marijuana, THIS IS THE ISSUE AT HAND. If you really love your husband you will get over the fact that he likes to get high and love him for who he is god damnit.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • December 11, 2007
    • 07:54 AM
    • 0
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  • I think the biggest thing here is the fact that no one is right or wrong. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, however logic would say that anyone who has more understanding in the topic, whether it be through more knowledge or perhaps personal experience, has a stronger case. 20 years ago and beyond governments spoonfed us infomation that was beneficial to them, however thanks to the www people can now draw their own conclusions (with caution). We could get started with alcohol = hard drug and pot = soft drug thing, but thats a whole other story.Coming back to original point - I think the first major issue was the mis-trust that was encountered when he was caught smoking pot. Secondly, and seperatley, I think there is resistance to the stigma attached with a 'dopehead'. (What will my family/friends think?) The fact that its gone on so long without anyone finding out would suggest that the chances of anyone else finding out are slim. So at the end of the day if it not radically against your belief system, not harming you or your family - impact seems minimal. Knowledge is power :)
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • December 19, 2007
    • 10:25 AM
    • 0
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  • Look at the statistics of pot compared to legal drugs and apologize to your husband.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies Flag this Response
  • how long where you with him?he's better off with the pot, then anything elseif hes been smoking for a while, its just like a cup of coffee in the morning to himi wouldnt call it being high.he's obviously got his priorities straight since you haven't had anything else to compain about besides for the pot.its really as bad as you make it out to be.calling him a dope head or whatnot.ACUANN i think you have read one too many books my friend, seems like that is all you can speak from! (very one sided)I agree with the above statement, Caffiene is proven to be more addictive then marijuana so i don't know what the below statement is talking about.To the lady with the problem, this is simple... ok he tried to hide it from you, probably because he loves you and he knew you thought it was wrong so he was probably trying to save a fight! Yes he was wrong in doing that...if this guy actually loves you and you love him you two should be able to talk and come to an agreement, if you want to be selfish and say he can't smoke at all. Because tthats what YOU want then i would straight up give him the optino marijuana or me, then leave cuz marijuana will win. For a 20 year habit coming from a marijuana smoker of 14 he is going to need help to quit if he wants t o quit for good! no matter what the says, ive been tryinig t o quit for awhile now and always cave :(Anyways communication is key, and maybe therapy for both also. If you want to work you can make that happen, you can't change him unless he wants t o change remember.ALAnon is also a real eye opener and would suggest attending those!this is advise from a 23 year old pot smoker so take it as you will. And no i am not high right now! Cheersdeefabulous@hotmail.com
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • October 7, 2008
    • 03:48 PM
    • 0
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  • Me and my fiance have been arguing a little here lately. I have trust issues with him now and i hate feeling this way. Heres our situation,i need to know if im over reacting or if i have the right to be hurt at him.Before we starting getting serious in this relationship i told him the way i am and the things that would destroy a relationship with me.I have never drunk or done drugs and he assured me that he hasnt drunk in 15 years and that he dont believe in doing drugs so i thought we was on the same page about that subject but one day i was busy here in the house and he walked outside,well when i went to find him to tell him the garbage was ready to be took to the land field i caught him smoking a joint behind the house.I was mad,hurt,disgusted all at the same time.Come to find out(after he decided to tell me the truth) he smokes on a regular basis and i never pictured him as being a liar or a dope head and thats why im so hurt.That took place a few weeks ago and now i have trust issues cause if he'd lie to me about that just to keep me then he'd lie to me about anything.How can i take him seriously now when he swore to me that my kids was in good hands but im not so sure they are anymore cause i dont know when he high and when hes not.He tells me he'll never do it again then he tells me he'll try not to do it again.I tell him i didnt sign up for a relationship with a dope head and im not sugar coating it all for him to feel better about being a dope head.All i care about are the important things in life.Like family and love. If he has to have dope to get him by through life,i dont think hes gonna be strong enough for this family.I need to know for sure that he isnt smoking it before i can trust him again. I JUST FEEL SO HURT AND CONFUSED.IT FEELS LIKE MY WORLD CRUMBLED ALL AROUND ME.I TRUSTED THIS MAN WITH MY LIFE SO WHY DOES HE LIE JUST TO GET ME HERE AND IS HE STILL LYING TO KEEP ME HERE? How do i get him to quit for good?:confused:he didnt tell you b/c he knows like alot of guys that girls freak out about things like that. being a girl, who loves to smoke pot i see it all the time. so ladies, stop freaking out its not addictive and doesnt change a personality acually it makes you sweeter. perhaps you should partake yourself and im not kidding. its not crack people its herbs like in the drug store. its great and you ladies r over-reacting, and dont invilve the children,im a great providing mom, as long as it doesnt effect your parental skills and the smoke is not near them it is scientifically proven to be fine and spiritually great!
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 25, 2009
    • 05:57 AM
    • 0
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  • Dear Blue,I have been married to a pot smoker for the past thirty years. Even though I smoked pot myself I was somwhat concerned about his daily habit of smoking. I felt the smoking was a means of escaping reality but he was ale tohold down a job and function normally. I would say he is a functioning pot head. In my case the pot and his plans and ideas have "always" come first. He has been a good father BUT I have not been happy in a very long time. I started in therapy after our third and last child was born. I felt we were not fuctioning as a married couple. It wasn't a partnership. In other words his life didn't change....that was twentyfour years ago. A chronic pot smoker has emotional issues that should be addressed. If he is agreeable you both should seek counseling. the other issue you expressed in you post is one of trust. Without trust.......forget it! You have a choice. Yes, it is hard to remove yourself from this situation. You love this man and he is the father of your children. Try to think things through without emotion. Here is an example; if you were single would you continue to date this man? Please seek counseling the longer you stay in this relationship the harderit will be to remove yourself from it. I wish I had been stronger when I was younger, setting bounderies with him and following through. Meaning.....packing up th kids and going to Mom's or Sissie's so he knew I meant business. Also, pot is $$$$. Good luck Blue.My heart is with you.
    drgranny 2 Replies
    • February 8, 2009
    • 09:08 PM
    • 0
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  • if your husband lied about smoking pot...then he obviously doesnt want you to leave and that means that he enjoys being around you but he just wants an occasional joint.smoking pot for him is just like putting on make-up for you, or pretty much anything you like to do.if he's a happy man and you two love each other, and hes good to you and your kids all the time, then i don't see what the problem is.yeh, i understand he lied, but thats only cause he didnt want you to leave him because he obviously loves you or he would have told you the truth in the beginning to get rid of you. but that wasnt the case.i find that when people smoke pot, 99% of the time they are in a better mood.id tell him to keep how many times he smokes to a minimum beacuse in the long run it can affect him and your family....but i don't see a problem with an occasional joint. The only reason the drug is illegal, is because the government hasn't found a way to tax it yet.if it wasnt "illegal", then im sure this topic wouldnt even have been opened.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • February 26, 2009
    • 00:18 AM
    • 0
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  • Pot isn't a "hard" drug; generally, when you start smoking pot, you can stop doing it, as long as your guy doesn't load it with tobacco (in which, he'd be addicted to tobacco, and not the plant). The plant itself, when consumed / smoked, causes sleepiness, hunger, and everything to be more "fun". I don't necessarily approve of it myself, but it's not harmful to you unless you load a joint with tobacco (then you'd get oral / lung cancer from the tobacco). If your man is addicted to pot, he's weak at mind or he finds his life dull and uses pot as a supplement to make everything "more fun". In this case, try to change routine and see what happens. If it persists (and it's really, really against your morals), then leave him if it bothers you so much. Marijuana isn't too bad, though. It's definitely better than alcohol - marijuana doesn't make you violent, stupid, or unconscious. Just hungry and tired. You won't have a car accident if you're high. The only reason marijuana is illegal is because the plant grows so fast and can produce high quality paper, so the government made it illegal to control the paper industry and the economy. It's harmless as long as your joints / spleefs aren't 80% tobacco, and as long as the marijuana isn't tainted with chemicals.But as said, if it really, really bothers you, and it's against all your values and morals, either leave him or, since this is better, compromise with him (such as: "Only do it outside the house" or "This many times a month" or "Not in my presence"). If he's high more times than he's not, though, he might have a dependancy because his life is dull and depressing and he needs marijuana as a supplement to highten his day. In this case, he's weak of mind and maybe changing routine or talking to a professional will aide with this "addiction".
    Yusshin 9 Replies
    • January 8, 2010
    • 01:00 AM
    • 0
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  • You sound EXACTLY like my girlfriend for over 2 years. She also told me no drugs or anything, and i agreed and we are doing great. I have been smoking pot every single day for those two years, and she has never found out. Why do i hide it? Because i can. I never have lied about anything else to her, because this is such a harmless thing to lie about. It may sound bad, but i am just trying to help you get into the mind of your fiance. Every time i talk to her about what she thinks of me smoking every once in a while, she says absolutly not because it will change me and ill always be high. But little does she know that im always high anyway, and it doesnt change anything.What i guess im trying to say is that your fiance is the same person weather he smokes or not. This is obvious because you had no idea he smoked. Literally the reason people smoke is because it just makes life funner and the user happier. So my advice to you is that if you love this man, you will be able to overlook this. It isnt a drug. It isnt harmful. Im in college with a 4.0 and i smoke literally over 4 times a day. Just because he smokes doesnt mean he isnt ready for a family or responsible. He just likes the feeling.By the way, there is no such thing as being addicted to pot. I can smoke for over a year then quit for a month for a drug test with no issue, its just a boring month.Hope i helped a little.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • February 8, 2010
    • 01:37 AM
    • 0
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