Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

my husbands making me sad

Posted In: Mental conditions 29 Replies
  • Posted By: crazybrazy
  • January 9, 2007
  • 02:12 AM

Hi-
I am having a really hard time with my husband lately. And I really would like someone to help or just tell me everything will just be okay.
Well my husband has depression with manic moments, but isn't considered bi-polar. He is on medication for it, but he doesn't like to take it, and I'm not sure it is the right stuff. I also had to have him go into the hospital (pshyc ward) last month for a few days, he actually went willingly. It has been ever since then that I have noticed subtle changes.
1st- He has been mean lately about taking his pills. He has never remembered to take them and I try to remind him. The other night he yelled at me for b****ing about taking his pills. I know I ask him every now and then but didn't know he was mad at me for it. He has never sweared at me like that before.
2nd- He has been playing his online computer games more then ever. He dosen't even notice me, like I came home today and didn't say a word, but made lots of noise, and he sees me 10 min later and says "When did you get home?" How am I suppose to react to that? I feel like he is losing himself in his games, and it is hurting our relationship.
3rd- He doesn't seem to want to say I love you to me any more. Yesterday I was leaving and said bye I love you, like normal, and all he said was, yep. He was playing that game again and I thought that was why, but he doesn't want to say it really any other time.
4th- We have had a vactaion planned for months and he was starting to get excited about it, but now he doesn't want to go and I told him it's paid for so he says "well if I have to go I'm going to stay in the hotel room all day and drink", (it's an all-inclusive hotel in the carribean) I have been looking forward to this for a long time and really need it, because of all the work stress and stress from his doctors visit and also my recent problems with my health.
I know he is worried about money, but he doesn't have to worry. I feel that all my time and effort put into our marrige has just been throw aside, and nothing about me or my feelings matter to him anymore. I know I have depression also, but not as severe as his. Also, he was more so the one to tell me "I love you" more then I was. I am afraid to talk to him about ir because I don't want him to go into a nother fit. I do'nt like to see him that way and it makes me really sad when he is.
Also, I have been getting other weird suspicions about him. I think he's cheating on me, but I really have no proof, and he can't keep anything from me, most of the time. There is one thing though that really bothers me. His personal checking account is always in the negative, and I never see him use it. I know for a fact that he looks at ***n. I know some think so, well I happen to dispise it and have caught him looking at it a few months ago. It actually makes me feel worse about myself, because I have been gaining weight because of my health.
Please anyone tell me it's just a phase. I love him to much, I don't want him to be upset but I can't take it sometimes. Thanks for reading this.

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29 Replies:

  • i dont think it is a phase.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 9, 2007
    • 01:03 PM
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  • if alcohol is involved get out now.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 9, 2007
    • 01:05 PM
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  • You need to make an appointment for yourself with a professional counselor immediately. Talk to the counselor first alone. Don't tell your husband you are going - he is threatening you already. You are right to suspect something is very wrong. Your husband's behavior towards you is bordering on abusive. You don't want to put yourself in danger, emotionally or physically. It sounds like the more you pull at him, the more he will push you away right now, so take care of yourself and keep your distance. If your marriage breaks up - and if he is with other women now, it has already broken up - with the help of a counselor, you will get through it and be a much happier, more independent person in the end. With his threatening to "stay in the room and drink" on your vacation, it would be better if you went alone. You could enjoy yourself. Don't fight with him, or put yourself in a position where you think he might over react and get violent. Just say pleasantly that you don't want to force him to go, and go and relax and strengthen yourself. Get professional support.If your husband is suffering from chemical depression, he cannot think logically. When men get depressed, they turn to many things, from alcohol to other women to gambling, to give them a temporary high. If they get involved with other women, to alleviate their guilt feelings, they often blame the wife for not being good enough, and will suddenly say, "I just realized I never loved you." It's not true- it's the illusion of the affair. He certainly did and at some level does love you. But no matter how good you are to him, he will not change unless he wants to and gets therapy. If he is willing to do this, then both of you can work with a marriage therapist. If he will not be faithful to you - which also means treating you with love and respect - you should not stay with him; he has broken his marriage vows by treating you this way. Nobody is perfect, but there are limits. Remember - "love, honor and cherish till death us do part?" Way too many doctors are throwing around antidepressent drugs, are not holding the patients accountable for their lifestyle - diet and exercise, spiritual discipline. In the end, if your husband doesn't take responsibility for his own happiness, he never will be happy and you can't do it for him. You might have to discover why you would be drawn to stay with someone who is mean to you.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 9, 2007
    • 03:30 PM
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  • To the question about alcohol. He does drink it but he is pretty big, so he can handle more then I could so it looks to me like a lot. But when he does drink, he is actually more loving. He isn't mean at all. He is more how he was when we started dating and got married. I know it sounds like an excuse, but this morning he was happier. But he did sleep on the couch because he said that our bed hurts. It does hurt my back too. Maybe he just needs some more sleep then what he's getting. I'm not sure. Also, I considered going alone, but every time I do, he wants to go. I think it is his depression making him this way.I know that I create things in my mind that really aren't true, so some of the stuff that has happened could be from my own insecurities. I think that a counselor for u, and me, would do us a lot of good. Thankyou all for your posts. I want to say one more thing, I did write the first post when I felt crappy about myself, so I am sure that is part of why I have been thinking negative things. He really is a great and loving person, just not these past few weeks or so. Thankyou all again.
    crazybrazy 30 Replies
    • January 9, 2007
    • 06:46 PM
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  • I forgot to mention his mom has been around a lot lately, and he does have some trouble with her. Not much, and he won't admit it, but enough to where it makes him have a bad day and take it out on his loved ones.
    crazybrazy 30 Replies
    • January 9, 2007
    • 06:48 PM
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  • if he is "taking it out on people"he does not love them :detatch yourself.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 10, 2007
    • 10:49 AM
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  • Hi there crazybrazy, I am very sorry you are going through such a bad experience. My mother is also depressed and depressed people think only about themselves and how crapy they feel. Playing games is his escape and he probably loves U too, just has his problems that are occupying him too. My mother suffered from major depression too and for two years she has been saying all day long that she didn't feel like living anymore and she wished she was dead. She was also suicidal and has been hospitalised. For over six months she lived like a veggie in a psych. ward high on drugs....could hardly speak. She always used to say how much she loved me and my dad but her negative thoughts were stronger than her.....she always sad that...this is stronger than me, taking me over...i have no power over these negative feelings.....and it is true.....depression is a ilnness, you need to either treat it or control it with medication and councelling. These behavioral therapies are as important as medication. You need to take that vacation whether he wants it or not....Go alone, don't stay at home.....You need it for your own sake, and he needs his own problems to deal with.In my point of view, looking at ***n is normal....my boyfriend does it too and I don't mind...we do it together sometimes....every guy does it...whether we want it or not....don't go *******g about it.....you better join him.....but don't nag.....it may even lead to sex.....men like to visualize and see things.....suprise him sometimes but getting a ***n cd/dvd...whatever....I am not sure how his depression is impacting your sex life but most depressed people don't give a ***t about sex....my parents stopped having it when my mom got sick...I hope things get better for you.....and remember....you need to take that vacation, to let go of the stress and recharge your batteries. As for the money concerns...my mom had that too....how are we going to live...we don't have enough money!!!!
    KnowSUMthings 153 Replies
    • January 10, 2007
    • 02:10 PM
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  • First of all, I wasn't talking to you hogndog but to crazybrazy.Secondly, everyone is entitled to their opionis and I was actually sharing my experience and crazybrazy is smart enough to know what could work for her or not. It seems to me that you haven't read her post very well, or you just read half of it.....cause I actaully read the following at the end of her post "know for a fact that he looks at ***n. I know some think so, well I happen to dispise it and have caught him looking at it a few months ago."You may want to take some time and read the post again and not nag about different opinions. You better go to your little world and pray there and let us adults deal with real problems that require common sense. I am very sorry crazybrazy for having an argument over your post!!!Best RegardsKnowSUMthings
    KnowSUMthings 153 Replies
    • January 10, 2007
    • 02:38 PM
    • 0
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  • :D Hello, i'm back again; my advice stands, giving an individual more tools to make his life more complicated than it already is, well you know, it don't make no sence @ all. So hang in there Crazybrazy & you'll be just fine. As Always In His Service.
    hogndog 426 Replies
    • January 10, 2007
    • 06:18 PM
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  • a case of "the ties that chafe".cut this knot.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 10, 2007
    • 08:48 PM
    • 0
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  • :( Hello Again, well i'm done you know where i stand so, pursue another avenue, As for you, whom ever you are; have you loved someone as deeply as this woman? Because you are telling her to do the very thing that will change her life forever. As Always, In His Service.
    hogndog 426 Replies
    • January 10, 2007
    • 09:02 PM
    • 0
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  • That hubby is completely cold to you and is giving you every sign it is over. He is probably sticking around because it is easier for him to do so, and let you cater to him, than for him to go his own way. You can do better. You may love him, or who he used to be, or your idea of him. He don't sound like he is that guy anymore. Do your self esteem a favor and tell him to hit the bricks. Hogndog, while I agree with you that ***n is not the answer, I agree with Knowsumthings that you are being totally pretentious and self righteous. In "His" service? Yeah right. More like "in your own service."
    Non Servium 85 Replies
    • January 11, 2007
    • 09:11 AM
    • 0
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  • Okay thank you for posting all. I know many think I should leave him. But why should I when he has depression and had recently started new medication? Isn't that kind of jumping the gun? I personally feel that he is having a bad time with is meds. I just read that the first side effect of one of his meds is agitation. Another side effect of another one of his other meds is mood changes. Now when he started taking his medication, this agitation started. If he doesn't take it for a few days, like most of the previous week, he gets mean the next, because he has to start all over again. I think I am and was overreacting and I should have put that in my first post. I have read many articles about abusive relationships, and I know what to do.I do not believe he would be more lovey, like he used to, when he drinks some, not even half a bottle of beer. Last night he told me that he is getting excited about the trip. I will go alone if he refuses, but I don't think he will. He has never been physically abusive to me and I have already warned him that if he ever is, I WILL stick up for myself. I am perfectly capable of defending myself, if needed. I have never let stayed in abusive relationship before and will not now. I am sorry but all I guess I really wanted was someone to tell me it will be okay, and to stick with it. I should have said more about what he is going through then what I did. Or maybe I should have just not posted the first one to people that do not know him, and do not know me. I chose the wrong place to vent apperently. Or I guess I thought those would notice he has depression and then maybe I could understand more on how to speak to him, and how not to inturpret things. I suppose that is actually something for a counselor to teach me. I have also told him that he has been hurting my feelings and I don't like some of the stuff he says to me. He has apoligized and that is all I need from him. Please if anyone does respond after this, just remember that I have only noticed this behavior in the last month, at most, and it has been since he started his medications. Also, I know for a fact that I have depression. I have medication myself, I know I need to take it further to counseling. Sorry for wasting your time and effort to help me. I do appreciate all the comments made to me and I have thought about the decision I need to make and I know I am making the right one.
    crazybrazy 30 Replies
    • January 11, 2007
    • 07:56 PM
    • 0
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  • if he is omnipotent,why does he need your service?are you sure it is"him"you are serving,and not something else(as well ,as has been suggested,yourself)?
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • January 19, 2007
    • 09:45 PM
    • 0
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  • :) Hello There; i'm deeply sorry if i've given you the wrong impression. All i meant was that i would pray for your husband; as well as trying to help him. Sorry.:)
    hogndog 426 Replies
    • January 19, 2007
    • 09:56 PM
    • 0
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  • Your husband (and for that matter your own) anti-depressant medication may not be the right brand. Ask for the doctor to slowly change medications and beware of some Generics. Rather pay more for the meds that make you feel better. Tranquilisers can be prescribed for a week, but are very addictive. But they can help to break a cycle.You both need your Thyroid function tested, as low Thyroid can cause depression, lethargy, disinterest, low libido, muscle cramps, you name it.Make sure you are both eating proper nutrition and getting enough of the B vitamins. Do research on the net about the right nutrition and vitamins, as well as trace elements and minerals. What are your ages?What medications are you both on?What other medical problems do you experience?
    marguerite 9 Replies
    • January 19, 2007
    • 11:58 PM
    • 0
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  • look up "depression fallout"
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies
    • February 15, 2007
    • 10:11 AM
    • 0
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  • http://forums.wrongdiagnosis.com/i8tinypic.com/2q07221.giffirst of all; i shall need to ask you for the "exact" information you need, so reply to this post i will sign in read the post message and go about finding you answer. Thank You.:)
    hogndog 426 Replies
    • February 15, 2007
    • 11:06 AM
    • 0
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  • I just found this post and had to reply. Im not sure if you will see this or not, but if you do I have the same problem as you!!!!!! What game is he playing? Alot of these online games are just like drugs they are so addicting. Trust me "The Widdow Maker" EVERQUEST ruined my relationship. Now we are trying to work it all out. But now there is W.O.W. {i like to call it the sequil} that is almost as bad! If you see this please respond.:D
    janesbaby 27 Replies Flag this Response
  • Hi, I am going to reply and try not to sound harsh, so if it comes off that way, I apologize ahead of time. Its hard to discuss these things without hearing how some people are saying them. Sorta like, there are a million ways to say "I'm fine". First I wanted to point out the header to this post. It says that he is making you sad. In order for you to be well, you have to take back control of your emotions and say instead, "I am allowing myself to be sad over my husband". It sounds totally different, doesnt it? That is because when you say it, you have just taken back the power of your emotions. Odds are that if he knows how to affect your emotions, he is going to do it to get what he wants. We have already established that he is not well. However, he is an adult and responsible for his own actions. If he swears at you (which I totally do not tolerate and will walk out if I am talked to that way) and you take it without any consequences, he will do it again. He has just learned what your reaction is to it and when to use it again. As far as the computer. Anything in excess is not good. Obviously there is something dragging him to the computer and keeping him there. Put spyware software on the computer that he wont know about and monitor if he is having an affair. I can assure you, he will swear at you if you ask him. He is not playing games all the time, that is his cover. You have every right to know what is going on in your house and on your computer. Also, if he has any **********y on there, you better get rid of it because if there is any child stuff on there... you are both in deep trouble. If he is having an affair, then his behavior is a carry-over of his attempt at justifying himself. He is making you the bad guy to the other woman and trying to sound like the victim. She believes it, he feels affirmed by that and voila, you are the bad guy. What has happened here in a nutshell is he has decided he likes how he feels without his medication. He has most likely found someone that doesnt know he's not in his right mind, what kind of person he really is (did you say he drinks and he knows he has mental disorders?) and gives him the false affirmation and affection he wants - without having to do the right thing. He is like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. He has lost the sense to know that you are looking out for him. He doesnt want to be looked out for and whoever he is seeing is totally clueless and probably thinks this guy is a fun, happy guy. If they only knew.So I suggest you first take back the computer and put spyware on it (ether that or crash it so it doesnt work). Stop checking to see if he takes his meds. It is HIS responsibility, not yours. If he is in a negative way towards you, so what. Dont allow him to affect your emotions. You are in control of them and do not hand them over to anyone else - that is if you want to be sane. No relationship should ever require that someone surrender their emotions and feelings to someone else. Ever hear about the co-dependant wife that says to her husband, "How do WE feel today?" That is what is going on here. When he tries to hit your buttons, remove them. If he says something that usually makes you mad, dont react to it. Dont react to any of it. Just stay calm and collected and use your soft nice voice when replying to him. When this happens, he will throw a tantrum - because he is not controlling you. If he can control your emotions, he can control everything, including where he goes, what he does. Personally, if I were you, I would leave and when he comes begging for you to come back, there are rules, he takes his medication every day, no long hours on the computer and no drinking (that is mandatory for his meds) or illegal drugs. He has to agree that if these things occur, you will leave and not come back the next time and he is not to bug you to come back. Then, when he agrees, hesitate and say, well, I'm still not sure. Let him think about it a little longer and also so that he knows you will not just take him back that easily. A word about love. Love does not mean you allow yourself to be in destructive relationship. Love does not mean you accept bad treatment. It does not mean that you change who you are. It does not mean that it is okay for them to disrespect you. If there is no respect, it's over. A friend of mine went back to an abusive man and said, "but I love him". All I said was that she could love him from a very safe distance. It doesnt mean you have to be in a relationship. There are a lot of people, myself included that were in love and let go of a relationship because it was harmful and destructive. You are losing yourself and you didn't sign up for this. Pray if you believe and take time out for yourself to get back to the person you really are. You are falling into co-dependency and if you are not careful, you will throw your life away - for what? If he wants to destroy himself, fine, that is his decision. That doesnt mean you have to as well.
    crabbycosmo 21 Replies Flag this Response
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