Discussions By Condition: Sexual conditions

No sex is killing my marriage...

Posted In: Sexual conditions 34 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • May 12, 2008
  • 03:49 PM

I don't know how to say any of this, so I'm just going to come right out with it...

I don't particularly care for sex and my husband, like most men, is the complete opposite. I have issues with intimacy due to several bad experiences which have caused me to not really care about it all that much. Coupled with some health issues which makes sex somewhat painful and uncomfortable, you could say it is generally the last thing on my mind.

Hubby had been doing okay with it, but I've started to notice that he pretty much just ignores me all the time. When I kiss him, he doesn't kiss back and when I tell him I love him he mumbles something which can never be understood. This behavior is only making my issues worse b/c I don't trust his reactions anymore. I've told him this, but he makes out like it is my problem and mine alone, which I don't agree with. We're married, my issues are his and his mine.

Well this last fight we had he told me he was ignoring me b/c we hadn't had sex since last June. I don't keep track, but it hurts that he does b/c it feels like he's rubbing my nose it like a dog in it's own poo.

Now I'm being told that it's my issue, fix it myself! In the meantime he ignores me and makes me feel like dirt and I do a LOT for this man, probably more than any other wife would do!

But it's like just because we're not having sex, he treats me awful and blames it on me because if I would have sex with him when HE wants it, we wouldn't be fighting about it. I can't get him to understand that I am not hooked to a light switch! He says that I am not normal, but again, he doesn't realize he is only making my problems worse!

I just really need some advice b/c I'm getting to the point where I am ready to walk b/c I don't think I deserve to be treated this way. If he loved me he would want to help me with this issue, not use it to hurt me more.

What do I do?

I've been to doctors, but they have no answers as to why I am the way I am, but I'm tired of my own husband making me feel like an alien. I was always an upbeat person, but now I'm constantly crabby, on edge, and even starting to get depressed, which is not like me AT ALL!

Any advice?

I don't want to end my marriage because of sex but my husband makes me feel like it's the ONLY thing that matters, as he's made it more than clear his sexual appetite is more important than my feelings. I'm so lost, scared, and confused but talking to him only gets more hurtful words and I can't take it anymore! Please help?!

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34 Replies:

  • Well, sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time. It's been almost a year for your husband; that's not normal and he has given you plenty of time to heal your past issues. You can choose to live in the past and let it affect your marriage or you can deal with whatever the problem is. Maybe you should really be single. Maybe you have a problem if it hurts when you have sex. You should get checked for STDs that have hung on a long time causing the pain/discomfort. You maybe need an ultrasound to see if there is a structural problem that could be repaired. You need a female doctor, too. Your husband has been understanding for a long time and now it's time to make changes. Either decide to let him go and be single, or look for a medical/emotional reason and begin to get yourself well. You don't have any time left to save this marriage.
    Monsterlove 2921 Replies Flag this Response
  • First of all I feel the reply was extremely rude as you don't know me or my husband to be telling me that my marriage is already over and that I should be single.Second, I do have health problems, which I was smart enough to see a doctor for. Actually if you would bother to look at my numerous other posts you would have known that already.Third, "my" issues are actually "our issues" as majority of them did not come about until my husband started telling me how abnormal I am b/c I don't want sex everyday. So if I have someone telling me that I am abnormal, an idiot, this, that and the other, it only makes matters worse b/c it makes me not want to trust him if he's judging me. He's my husband for god sakes! What happened to "until death do us part"?Thanks anyway and I will keep your comments in mind, but I really don't think that divorce is the option for me. If my husband wants to divorce me b/c of this problem, then more power to him b/c at that point he would be more selfish than I ever imagined and I wouldn't want to be with him to begin with!For all other's, if you assume I am some "idiot", as my dear husband refers to me as, yes... I have seen a doctor and yes I do have health problems. No I do not have STD's and no I do not have any mental or emotional problems. Other than being depressed b/c my husband thinks I should want nothing but sex every day, I'm fine! I'm simply looking for advice on how to get him to understand that calling me names, telling me I am "screwed up" etc. doesn't make the problem go away and it does not make me feel any better, it makes me want sex less b/c I feel like he is judging me for no reason!For those who think my post is rude, I apologize, but as far as I am concerned this person obviously didn't read my posts, didn't take my feeling's into consideration and offered no helpful opinion or advice. I would almost assume it was posted by another man, but you know what they say about that!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Totally agree with monsterlove. Now this is what one would call "Tough Love" Firstly the way to keep a good marriage is to keep the intimacy going, I'm not supprised ur husband is now coming to an end with it.....he is in a loveless marriage.......ya know ur looking at it from ur own angle & not considering him at all, im not supprised he doesn't want to kiss you anymore, why would he ? You say u do so much for him.....your not his mum your his wife. I'm sure his mum done as much or more than you do, remember he left home. If u want to save ur marriage sort urself out, if u have health problems go get those sorted out also. Regarding ur issue with past events....well its like this, u are living & condemming your husband to live in ur past......stop looking backwards, forwards is the future ! Would u walk down the street looking backwards ? if u did u would keep bumping into things & not get very far.......turn round girl & open ur eyes. I think your time is about to run out, if u cant do it let ur husband go so he can find someone who will love him completly. Remember a house keeper can be hired & fired ! I think he has been more than patient with you, as he says its ur issue you have to fix it. Ooooh & another thing have u ever considered that he wants to make love to you.............its not dirty, it is a pleasure & make him feel like you want him, its not all about you ya know, look at it from his side ! Sorry this may seem harsh but girl u gotta sort it out one way or another ! I do wish you both well & hope u think long & hard about this. Start by talking to him, not accusing him or saying its just sex & he's just a man.......its making Love & he is your Husband !
    Tootsie 628 Replies Flag this Response
  • I just wish I had the first clue as to why everyone assumes that I don't think about him?!I do think about him. But it as I have told him, it's very hard for me to leave myself vunruable to him when he's calling me names and attacking me all the time. Our relationship didn't start off this way, this is just how it has ended up.As for my past, it does have some to do with this, but not the majority. I don't appreciate having him or anyone else tell me that my past is my problem and my issues from my past are my problem when nobody but my husband and I know how many of his "past problems" I deal with on a daily basis. It is b/c of his past that I cannot talk to him about anything and our problems just get worse which in turn make the sex problems worse. But nobody should be blaming it all on me, which is exactly what is happening both here and in my home. That's not fair either! Why should I take him as being the only person taken into consideration when that is how every day is? Where do I fit in then?I apologize if I've made it sound like it's all about me, because that is not what I am meaning and perhaps I am just not able to word it well, but this problem lies far beyond me and my past. Like I said, my past is in my past and I've dealt with it, but his past will always be there and is something I will not get into here. Suffice to say that I do put up with my fair share of issues too.As far as making love goes, we used to. But to me it takes two people that want to in order to make love. Someone having sex with someone else just because that person wants it is not making love. I was game for making love. Who isn't? The problem was anytime I wasn't in the mood, it led to world war three b/c I should just be in the mood. Well I am sorry that I don't work like that, I can't just get turned on b/c I want to be or b/c he wants me to be. So b/c I'm his wife I should ignore the fact that I'm not in the mood and do what? Lay there?I'm sorry... i just feel like you guys are painting me to be some selfish idiot who doesn't know the difference between sex and making love. I just think it sucks that apparently everyone thinks like my husband... since I'm not having "sex" with him I must not love him. Which to me is absurd.I do agree that I shouldn't have to be his mother, which is something I have talked to him about before, but as with this issue, I get nowhere other than told to deal with it myself. In the end, my issues are my issues, his issues become my issues and our issues are pawned off on me. But I guess everyone is right, I'm just not thinking about him.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • I'm sorry... i just feel like you guys are painting me to be some selfish idiot who doesn't know the difference between sex and making love. I just think it sucks that apparently everyone thinks like my husband... since I'm not having "sex" with him I must not love him. Which to me is absurd. Well I think the other posters were reacting to the words that you wrote...most of the people who post here mean well and want to help. I will say that I think you need counseling, and some good ole self help books on Self Esteem and CoDependency. You sound like you are in a classic codependent relationship. Please go to your local library or book store and browse through the self help section - you are bound to find a book or two that ring true to you. In particular I recommend any book by John Gray (especially Mars and Venus in Relationships- don't laugh it is a very insightful book:rolleyes:)...also Melody Beatty's Codependent No More. Couples counseling may be helpful, if you can get him to agree to go... Do you have children? You have many other posts - what other health problems do you have? Best wishesDOM
    acuann 3080 Replies Flag this Response
  • Truth is tough; taking anger and frustrations out on people you don't know is okay if you have to do that to get by. I'd be surprised if he hasn't found someone else to have sex with by now; that's what most men would do. If he hasn't, that means he loves you and even if he has, he could still love you but when men get married, they want sex. Name calling is not accepted and I would leave someone if he kept up the name calling. Why do you put up with it? I have more self-respect than to live with that treatment. I don't know you from all of the other posters, so don't expect people to know/remember what you posted a month or two ago. There are thousands. You will get unemotional responses that are pretty direct. You might not hear what you want to hear. The bottom line is that you need to make changes. He's not posting or we would give him a talking to, too.
    Monsterlove 2921 Replies Flag this Response
  • Firstly, no one is attacking u, u asked for advise & u got it with the information u provided. Secondly, we are ladies not men ! Thirdly, monsterlove again is right if ur husband posted here he would also be told straight ! None of us can know all the facts, accuann is also right & has spoken wisely as always, as does monsterlove ! Straight talk is not a personal attack on u or anyone ! If u feel ur husband has treated or treating u so badly, well, one way or another u both have to sort it. If things have happened between u that has ruined the intimate side of ur marriage, you cant sort it just a little bit u have to sort it all. You can not say i want to save my marriage but i want to leave that bit out of it. Dont think any of us doesn't understand, we've all had are own problems,I myself am happily divorcied, so i am talking from experience......i know that when someone hurts u so much the last thing u want to do is make love to them.......basically that then means the marriage is over ! But u are saying u want to save ur marriage so that strikes me that u want the security of the marriage without anything else, & he cant be that bad if u want to keep him ! If u are both so unhappy & cannot resolve these issues why prolong the pain ? One thing you have got to understand if u ask for advise that is excatly what u will get, even if its not what u want to hear ! Now sit down work out what u want or dont want, calmly, with out the emotion, look at the facts, straight talk with ur husband & try & find some common ground, it will take two to resolve this, get help where needed ! The other thing regarding painful intercourse, now remember i dont know all ur details, but it is possible that it is painful because u are so tense & harbouring resentment, quite honestly i would not want to make love to someone that feels this way ! Also it would be better that u loose the chip regarding "Men" & regarding "Sex" because even though u may not realise it, ur post does come across angry & a bit of a man hater ! I'm once again talking from experience & i do have my own jokes about "Men" but what i always remember not all men are all the same, if i have made bad choices in my past i take on my share of the blame for my part in it.....at the end of the day i choose em ! Some of my best'st best'st friends are men & would go out of there way to help me. I do hope u resolve ur problems & find happiness one way or another ! Regards :) Ooooh Point to remember ! If u keep doing the same ole, same ole, u will keep getting the same ole, same ole !
    Tootsie 628 Replies Flag this Response
  • Toosie is cool. To me, this sounds like a way to maintain "control"....of the relationship.
    Monsterlove 2921 Replies Flag this Response
  • I would just like to point out to the poster that there is a difference between not being in the mood and not having sex since June - those are pretty big differences in time. Marriage is supposed to be about intimacy but if there isn't any, then aren't you just roommates? It sounds as if you both need counseling.Just my two cents (although the other responders seemed tobe doing quite well)
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Well I may as well be your husband. My wife has not made a sexual advance toward me in 3 years...and that was when she was trying to get pregnant (our second). We have been married 7 years, my sex life has been so non-exsistant I can tell you the sexual positions and times that conceved both of my children. I stuck by her for 3 years with PPD (took 2 years to diagnose) which she got after our first child. The medication which she took further lowered her libido. She's been off of the medication for a year now and is doing much better depression wise.We had sex 8 times in 2006and 10 times in 2007This year has been better (about every two weeks) because our therapist told her to stop rebuffing me. But she just will lay there she won't touch me (arms at here side), she wont open her eyes, and she will turn her head if I try an kiss her! She also will not make love (if you want to call it that) with the lights on.We do have a 2 and a 4 year old, which I know is hard for her. She told me that she too tired for sex due to having to clean the house...so the next day I hired a cleaning crew to come in and detail the house every week. Did it help...NO!Then she told me that I needed to do more around the house. So now I do ALL the dishes every night and clean the kids playroom every night. Did that help...NO!When I come home from work (every day) or travel I ALWAYS go straight to her to give her a kiss and a hug. Well, when she sees me starting to kiss her she turns her head to the kiss and gives me a one arm hug... with an annoying pat on the back.I have been a very patient husband to my wife. I love her very much. I love my two little boys so much. I love my God so much. I've been on my knees in prayer over this. I've even told her that I'm so sexually / love deprived that I don't know what I would do if another woman made an advance on me. Her response..."if it's such a big deal then why don't you just go out and hire a *****r". Funny thing is that I've been tempted... but the bottom line is that I want to be loved. I'm getting tired of masturbation and looking at other women.A year ago she asked me if I ever did ***n. I told her yes I did. She got so mad at me and insisted that I stop. So I stopped. The one thing that she will do is she will spoon me when we go to sleep. I wake up so sexually turned on around 5 in the morning...so I go to the bathroom on the other side of the house lock the door and take matters into my own hands. Sometimes I cry afterwords. (as I'm typing this i'm realizing how pathetic this sounds)The other day one of my kids moms came over to thank me for teaching her kid to ride a bike. She was so nice to me the told me what a good job I did. She said that she "worshiped me" for what I was able to teach her son in such a short time. When she was talking to me I felt my heart jump... when she smiled at me I melted inside. That night I dreamed about making love to this woman. It woke me up at 2 in the morning. I felt so alone and empty for the rest of the night.Tonight after dinner I was sitting on the couch crying (about all this) and my 2 year old asked me why I was so sad...I just started balling and had to leave the house. I could hear him asking mom what was wrong with daddy...she said that she didn't know! She didn't even look at the fear on his face.She's 37 I'm 38. I'm not fat 6.0 175lb. I stay fit and clean. I'm was a self made millionaire before we were married so money is not an issue. She's a stay at home mom so she does not work. Our oldest son is in school for 5 half days a week. And she gets to go to the gym and works out for at least an hour a day.The things running in my brain:Is she having an affair?Is she gay?Was she abused as a child and is not telling anyone?Are we locked in a power struggle of sorts (her mom RULES her dad)We get along really well except for any kind of sex/love/affection. We talk a lot. She does still confide in me (which makes me think she's not having an affair). We get a baby sitter one night a week to have a date night. I can spend 200 on a candle light dinner for 2...and she'll come home and talk to the sitter for an hour and a half rather than come to the bedroom.I've read a ton of relationship books and have learned that my "love language" is physical touch and encouraging words. She won't read any of the books. Or look at any of the dog eared pages that I leave for her. Oh, our sex life rocked for the first year we were married. Also she said that she was a virgin when we got married.Sorry this is so long...I think I needed to get this off of my chest.
    dispairstation 1 Replies Flag this Response
  • Well I may as well be your husband. My wife has not made a sexual advance toward me in 3 years...and that was when she was trying to get pregnant (our second). We have been married 7 years, my sex life has been so non-exsistant I can tell you the sexual positions and times that conceved both of my children. I stuck by her for 3 years with PPD (took 2 years to diagnose) which she got after our first child. The medication which she took further lowered her libido. She's been off of the medication for a year now and is doing much better depression wise. We had sex 8 times in 2006and 10 times in 2007This year has been better (about every two weeks) because our therapist told her to stop rebuffing me. But she just will lay there she won't touch me (arms at here side), she wont open her eyes, and she will turn her head if I try an kiss her! She also will not make love (if you want to call it that) with the lights on. We do have a 2 and a 4 year old, which I know is hard for her. She told me that she too tired for sex due to having to clean the house...so the next day I hired a cleaning crew to come in and detail the house every week. Did it help...NO! Then she told me that I needed to do more around the house. So now I do ALL the dishes every night and clean the kids playroom every night. Did that help...NO! When I come home from work (every day) or travel I ALWAYS go straight to her to give her a kiss and a hug. Well, when she sees me starting to kiss her she turns her head to the kiss and gives me a one arm hug... with an annoying pat on the back. I have been a very patient husband to my wife. I love her very much. I love my two little boys so much. I love my God so much. I've been on my knees in prayer over this. I've even told her that I'm so sexually / love deprived that I don't know what I would do if another woman made an advance on me. Her response..."if it's such a big deal then why don't you just go out and hire a *****r". Funny thing is that I've been tempted... but the bottom line is that I want to be loved. I'm getting tired of masturbation and looking at other women. A year ago she asked me if I ever did ***n. I told her yes I did. She got so mad at me and insisted that I stop. So I stopped. The one thing that she will do is she will spoon me when we go to sleep. I wake up so sexually turned on around 5 in the morning...so I go to the bathroom on the other side of the house lock the door and take matters into my own hands. Sometimes I cry afterwords. (as I'm typing this i'm realizing how pathetic this sounds) The other day one of my kids moms came over to thank me for teaching her kid to ride a bike. She was so nice to me the told me what a good job I did. She said that she "worshiped me" for what I was able to teach her son in such a short time. When she was talking to me I felt my heart jump... when she smiled at me I melted inside. That night I dreamed about making love to this woman. It woke me up at 2 in the morning. I felt so alone and empty for the rest of the night. Tonight after dinner I was sitting on the couch crying (about all this) and my 2 year old asked me why I was so sad...I just started balling and had to leave the house. I could hear him asking mom what was wrong with daddy...she said that she didn't know! She didn't even look at the fear on his face. She's 37 I'm 38. I'm not fat 6.0 175lb. I stay fit and clean. I'm was a self made millionaire before we were married so money is not an issue. She's a stay at home mom so she does not work. Our oldest son is in school for 5 half days a week. And she gets to go to the gym and works out for at least an hour a day. The things running in my brain:Is she having an affair?Is she gay?Was she abused as a child and is not telling anyone?Are we locked in a power struggle of sorts (her mom RULES her dad) We get along really well except for any kind of sex/love/affection. We talk a lot. She does still confide in me (which makes me think she's not having an affair). We get a baby sitter one night a week to have a date night. I can spend 200 on a candle light dinner for 2...and she'll come home and talk to the sitter for an hour and a half rather than come to the bedroom. I've read a ton of relationship books and have learned that my "love language" is physical touch and encouraging words. She won't read any of the books. Or look at any of the dog eared pages that I leave for her. Oh, our sex life rocked for the first year we were married. Also she said that she was a virgin when we got married. Sorry this is so long...I think I needed to get this off of my chest. I'm really sorry ur feeling so unhappy & unloved, its a no win position, if u leave u miss out on ur children, if u stay this is how it will be.....so i wouldn'd dream of trying to advise you. Ive seen it so many times it just seems down right unfair, ive seen good wives with not so good husbands & good husbands with not so good wives, i dont know what the answer is. As i'm divorced myself i can tell you, that also can be very difficult, if u think someone is difficult when they supposedly love you, wait untill you try & divorce them to see how nasty they can really get....u aint seen nothing yet !:eek: For along time i use to joke saying "You might as well find someone u hate & give them all your money & have done with it" cuts out all the nonsence in between, & u'd recover quicker......lol:D Anyway hun i just wanted to say hello & hope one way or another things will work themselves out. My thoughts and best wishes are with you..........:) hugs Oooh & i should say im now very happily divorced ! lol:D....... there is life after divorce !
    Tootsie 628 Replies Flag this Response
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  • This is really hard to comment on; I hope the original poster has heard your words. You have said it all. You are obviously a wonderful, caring teacher, adored by many. Don't make the mistake and have an affair with any of the mothers. It could ruin your career. I would advise you to put your energy into your work and take up another hobby, like painting classes. Throw your love and passion into the canvas; make love to canvas; caress the canvas. People will love your true expression of emotions. You may even have an affair if your wife continues in this selfish and unloving way. Sometimes, that's what a woman wants...then they can play "victim"...."see what he did to me..." on and on....tell your wife she either goes to counseling or it's over...lay the cards on the table; she's enjoying the control over your emotions. I believe you have a right to claim happiness.
    Monsterlove 2921 Replies Flag this Response
  • To the original poster.You say that your issues are "our" issues. That's true, but doesn't the same apply to his issues? I may have misunderstood your post, but it seems to me that your take on dealing with your issues together entails him accepting that you don't want to have sex and not making a fuss about it. What efforts are you making to understand and resolve the fact that he is feeling physically neglected? Are you telling him to hang in there, letting him know that there's hope? (Is there?) Suggesting ways that you could work together to restore the magic?It sounds to me more like you want him to cooperate in your efforts to ignore the issue in the hope that it will go away.These things are rarely one-sided, I'm sure your husband carries some of the blame for letting the situation develop as it has, but as you say it needs to be dealt with by both of you, and burying your head in the sand and/or name-calling won't help. I know from personal experience.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • To the Orginal POSTING: WOW! I am completely shocked that you have allowed these post to stay on you thread! I understand that they believe they are stating what you need to hear, but you don't have to keep them for others to read and use..... I don't care for having sex either, I am in a wonderful relationship and like your husband, he would love to have it most of the week. We have had many arguments/conversations about how I NEED to get help b/c it is not normal. I have gone to doctors and they don't believe that I have a problem. Before we came to an agreement on what to do, he blamed me for the issue and reading you post reminded me of how it used to be.....the key words: USED TO BEAs for the emotional aspect btwn your husband and you on a daily level, we experienced this also. He states that it arouses him so much to kiss me or express himself about us in any physical way that after a while he had to stop expressing it just so he wouldn't be let down by my negative response... It is still hard for him to physically express himself w/o it leading to sex, but we are working on it. So, to help the situation in bed we took the next step.... First I went to counseling. She was upfront and very helpful and here is her suggestion: Since I didn't want sex and he wanted all the time: we met in the middle. We came to an agreement on the frequency. We decided once a week. Grant the longest time for us was 1-2 months..but we have been doing it ever since! Sometimes more freq. and every once in awhile a little less. Another avenue to pursue is a GYN. Sometimes our hormone levels are not in synch and it can cause our drive to diminsh. This can be due to using hormonal birthcontrol methods.......another health issue can be due to thyroid problems.... We have also explored other ways to get me in the "mood" such as videos, romance, and toys. Funny thing, they all work, but only when I'm in certain moods...lol. Well, hope you delete the previous posts, you read them and you don't need to keep them. You are aware of the ideas they had, but medically (behavioral/mental or physical) they are not very appropiate.... Hope my response gives you hope and a direction to pursue.....
    RN2BWendi 4 Replies Flag this Response
  • I have read this topic with great interest since I am in a similar situation with my husband who is beyond any doubt the greatest guy in the world. I'm 47 and I feel *ZERO* sex drive. In the last six years, I have been to four different doctors (two gynos, 1 endo, 1 GP) and have had six thyroid/CBC tests done, and all of them say the same thing- "there is nothing physically wrong with you." I am not overweight, I was not sexually abused as a child, and my husband is extremely considerate and sweet to me. Our marriage (which was for years fantastic) is now threatened. I don't know if anyone has any advice to give me or not.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • I have read this topic with great interest since I am in a similar situation with my husband who is beyond any doubt the greatest guy in the world. I'm 47 and I feel *ZERO* sex drive. In the last six years, I have been to four different doctors (two gynos, 1 endo, 1 GP) and have had six thyroid/CBC tests done, and all of them say the same thing- "there is nothing physically wrong with you." I am not overweight, I was not sexually abused as a child, and my husband is extremely considerate and sweet to me. Our marriage (which was for years fantastic) is now threatened. I don't know if anyone has any advice to give me or not. I've been there and still struggle with it, and am only 41! Lately I have been taking more B supplements, in particular 2000 mcg's of methylcobalamin, as well as fish oil omega fatty acids. Somehow things have improved and I find I have more desire and more feeling. I think this is worth trying, as we are all quite deficient in B's (make sure you get methyl b12 in sublingual form). Exercise is also key. This helps with sex drive. Lastly, if you are on any meds, look them up on www.drugs.com to see if this is a side effect of a med. Docs overlook this and it is very common. Lastly, there are some good herbs that can help you with this - a qualified herbalist may be able to assist you. Best wishesDOM
    acuann 3080 Replies Flag this Response
  • MKC: I know it was extremely hard to "force" myself to try being in the mood once we agreed on a frequency. I just know that this is what has worked for us, so it doesn't hurt to try it for a while. I have found that having the both of us play together or watch things that may get me in the mood is definitely a plus. Sometimes it fun dancing in the bedroom, candle's lite and sometimes it watching a film... The key is for it to be a us thing....We have changed our tone to us instead of me. We just picked a day of the week that I thought would be the best day for me...and went from there. I tried finding my own arousal, which has increased my overall desire even more.... I have a hard time with the idea of using hormonal creams or pills to self-fix the problem, but I have heard that there is a testestrone crm that can be absorbed that increases libido. BUT be aware of what all hormones can do to your overall body... Again, I hope the info helps....
    RN2BWendi 4 Replies Flag this Response
  • I appreciate these responses. I exercise 5 days a week for about 30 mins at a time and am currently not on any meds. I think I failed to mention that in addition to the no sex drive, I also have incredible crushing fatigue, a lot of problems with short term memory and concentration. ALL tests I have ever had have all come back classified as normal. I would be open to counseling on this subject but may have difficulty in finding someone in my rural area that specializes in this area of tehrapy. I will also try to see about the herbalist. Thanks.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • use lube, lots of it.. find something to do with your husband to keep the guy happy..
    infinity 10 Replies
    • August 20, 2008
    • 02:18 AM
    • 0
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  • As far as making love goes, we used to. But to me it takes two people that want to in order to make love. Someone having sex with someone else just because that person wants it is not making love. I was game for making love. Who isn't? The problem was anytime I wasn't in the mood, it led to world war three b/c I should just be in the mood. Well I am sorry that I don't work like that, I can't just get turned on b/c I want to be or b/c he wants me to be. So b/c I'm his wife I should ignore the fact that I'm not in the mood and do what? Lay there? sorry if we are sounding harsh.. i do agree with what all the other posters have said here. If you ever read "men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" someone here mentioned the author..Dr ?? . You will more understand maybe where your husband is coming from and the rejection he must feel. This book talks about how men and women show and experience being loved in different ways to each other.. for men.. sex is a way they show their love, it isnt just about sex to them. I guess your husband feels like he's had to "shut down" (hence shut down emotionally some) as he thinks, you are rejecting his love. You have gone sooo long without sex with him and no that isnt at all normal. Try to get hold of that book and read it!! if you are really serious about wanting to try to save your marriage. You mentioned in your posts a lot about a past problem with your husband.. IF that is anything to do with him having an affair in the past.. you really need to let go of your anger. i dont know but your posts come across as you being angry at your husband.. and maybe if you are angry.. subconciously that could manifest as pain during love/sexual interactions. Well this last fight we had he told me he was ignoring me b/c we hadn't had sex since last June. I don't keep track, but it hurts that he does b/c it feels like he's rubbing my nose it like a dog in it's own poo. Your perception of him "keeping track" is hurt and throwing your own emotional pain back at him. Have you considered that he's really hurting badly himself as he is percieving the event entirely differently to you.. to him.. maybe he is seeing that as the very last time you really chose to get close to him???? hence yes remembering exactly when you last had sex. Him ignoring you, is his own very hurt reaction cause he's feeling uncared about. How long do you expect him to keep waiting for you to be okay to have sex with him???? no wonder he keeps pushing and pushing. Yes his pushing isnt helping you, but you need to understand where he himself is coming from too. From your posts it appears you are looking at things from all your side of things..and not trying to percieve how he must see too. For a good marriage to work...there MUST be GIVE and TAKE on BOTH SIDES and right now i dont see you as being too giving. (yes he may be at fault too.. but if you really want the marriage to work well.. you do need to give sometimes.. and a wife giving sex to her husband IS part of that giving). Being too tired to have sex with husband....sorry it sounds as a poor excuse when you also say you exercise for 30 mins 5 times a week!!! Husband should be coming before that! You husband is meant to be the love of your life and should be your prioty. It should be more important to you to be putting your energy into sex with husband.. rather than walking a treadmill (or whatever you are doing). Think about this!! how must he feel when he hears that excuse.. one which makes no sense at all... it screams out that he isnt important to you.No wonder he's hurt and reacting out (calling you names or whatever.. thou yes that isnt right either of him but it seems both of you are at fault in your relationship, both hurting and both reacting). So b/c I'm his wife I should ignore the fact that I'm not in the mood and do what? Lay there? Yes exactly maybe you should just lay there at times. I myself have a serious illness so hence tire fast and at times are very sick. If im too unwell.. well at times i will just lay there so at least the other can still get their pleasure. Hey i care about my partners. ... most wifes strive to keep partners happy and would give their partners sex at times even if they are not in the mood themselves. It is highly unfair to deny a partner for so long... a partner you supposively love. It is normal to put ones feelings aside at times, an unselfish act of love.. to give ones partner something. If you dont do that just cause you arent in the mood, you need to be asking yourself about really how much you do love him..... (i know you say you love him but your words and actions do not show it and there alone could be your whole marriage issue). If you seriously cant stomach having sex with your partner or it's just hurting too much .. If you really love him, maybe encourage him to have sexual relationship with another. He still has needs. (my current sexual partner has a wife who cant have sex with him due to health issues. He loves her greatly (he holds so much deep respect for her that it amazes me) but he does have sex with others including me with her acceptance. He's happy, he's getting his needs met, everyones happy). i hope you paid attention to that guy who posted on your thread. .who's wife is like you. Could your husband be feeling like him??? ((((((hugs to that other poster)))))) really hope you and your husband can both sort it out..................
    taniaaust1 2267 Replies
    • August 20, 2008
    • 07:42 AM
    • 0
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