Discussions By Condition: Sexual conditions

Longing for a baby.

Posted In: Sexual conditions 1 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • June 10, 2009
  • 10:42 PM

I'm 20 years old and I am really longing for a child.
I've always liked working with kids but for the past few years my biological clock has been ticking so loud it's deafening.
First off I just want to say that I'm not intending to get pregnant, I just need to talk about this because I feel like I'm going crazy.
I don't have a particularly great job right now but I'm working on getting a degree and then a better paid job should be a lot easier to find.
It seems that everyone around me is getting pregnant and having children. In the past two years there have been 15 pregnancies/births within my relatively small circle of friends (yes, I counted, it's THAT bad), and a lot of them are younger than me.
It makes me so angry that I really, REALLY want a child yet my friends didn't plan for it (or avoid it as I have) and now they have what I want.
I'm starting to feel bitter and resentful when I see pregnant women in the street, I avoid friends who have children and sometimes (particularly during my 'time of the month') I get so frustrated about it that I cry.
I'm terrified that the time will never come for me, or that I'll become infertile or something like that, I've talked to my mother about this but I haven't opened up too much 'cause she thinks that it's just normal broodiness.
She tells me it's a lot harder than I could ever imagine and I believe her, obviously I don't understand it having never been in that predicament myself, but I do BELIEVE her.
My mother was a lone parent so I've seen her struggle, I've seen my friend's struggle with night time feeds and teething and low income... But the feeling doesn't go away.
I know it would be difficult but I've become so preoccupied with it that it's clouding every other aspect of my life.
It's making me feel pretty reckless really, I'm tempted to just go ahead and do it. I know I shouldn't but I feel like I need to.
Help me please.

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1 Replies:

  • Hi there. I feel your pain, and believe me, many, many young women can relate to how you are feeling. It's completely normal to crave having a baby at your age; in other cultures or past time periods, it would be considered a good time to do so. Western culture has changed in ways that no longer make that the case, but I think it helps to recognize that biologically-speaking, your body is ready. You just need to get ready socially -- meaning taking advantage of this time of freedom that you currently have. I remember very clearly being your age and crying my eyes out while looking through a book on breast-feeding. My breasts would ache at times at the deep longing for a baby to be attached! I had it bad. So when I met the guy who fit my checklist of "great father, great husband," even though I wasn't really in love with him, I went for it. After all, I had dated very little, hadn't had any prior relationships to speak of, and I truly didn't know what it felt like to be in love. What I regret most about my 6-year marriage, which is now coming to an end, is not that we didn't have children, although it did seem like the whole point to begin with. (I KNOW I will someday, and only with someone that I truly want to be with.) My main regret is that I rushed into it because I was fixated on becoming a mother. I should have spent an extra few years on me -- dating different people, being single, travelling, working odd jobs, living alone, supporting myself, getting good at things that interested me, teaching English in Asia! This may or may not apply to you, but there was an additional motivation for me to get moving on the marriage-and-kids plan: I didn't have any professional ambitions. In retrospect, I had kind of given up on doing anything big with my life -- I was ready to pass the buck, to have babies that I would raise so well that they would surely do something good for the world and that would be my contribution. Not good thinking on my part. But I was so blinded by hormones it was an easy trap to fall into. You have the world at your feet at this point in your life. I encourage you to BE ADVENTUROUS! Sign up for an exchange program at school -- go overseas and learn a new language. Take dance lessons and get really good. Do volunteer work. Learn to cook healthy food. Read lots. Learn about yourself through books, experience, and other people. Figure out how you can reduce your "footprint" on the earth, and make the world a better place -- it is, after all, up to individual people in the end. While it can be hard to wait when you're all hormonally-charged, if you can tell yourself that you WILL have babies, just not now, and rest assured, you will -- you can do SO MUCH with your life. Then, later on, when you're living through the hard times that your mom tells you about, you'll have no regrets because you will have lived first. And most importantly, you'll be a better parent for having done so.
    siobhan1977 1 Replies Flag this Response
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