I hope this is not a rambling mess. I have an appointment in less than two weeks to have a PAP. I have not had one in 6 years, and I had dysplasia a couple of times in the past, so I feel it is important for me to have the PAP. What is the big deal? I have major phobias, REAL phobias, realated to invasive tests and procedures. I also dislike being touched- I am a very closed up person. I have not had sex in over five years due to this (I am OK with that). I avoid dating and pretend in my head that I am asexual so that I will not want to have sex or get frustrated by the lack. i do not go on dates, either.
I really think that the series of invasive and painfull tests and treatment for dysplasia as well as my pregnancy ending in the emergency c section are all factors as to why I have these problems. I was really freaked out during the pregnancy having a baby growing in me, pushing my organs around. When i had the c section the docs were talking to me telling me what they were doing (eeeeeek), and they disembowel you when they do the c section, at least they take out your uterus. I think the fear of getting pregnant and the horror/gross-out of my innards being handled by the docs have given me my phobias.
The problem at hand:
I have to be able to get throught the PAP without a melt-down. There is no way a GYN will understand such issues. I won't be able to have the breast, pelvic, or rectal exam. I have already emailed the GYN office so they know ahead of time, but I don't know how to prepare myself for this. If I don't find a way to deal, i will likely cancel the appointment, which is my MO. i can't keep doing that- any suggestions? I will not sleep until the appointment unless I get a grip. I couldn't bring myself to tell my shrink!