I was throwing this back and forth of which forum to post this on more, but reading about it I think this disorder falls into the category of a type of obsessive compulsive disorder.
How many people have heard of Body Integrity Identity Disorder? It is a very unknown disorder, but it does exist. I know several people who have it, including myself. BIID is defined as a strong desire, pretty much an obsession, to be disabled in some way, most often an amputee, and less often, a paralytic, blind or deaf. I fall into the latter category. Some people will actually use orthopedic devices to ease their feelings (like a compulsion). I have not reached that stage. if you want to read more about it check:
I am having a hard time dealing with it because I feel guilty and like a troll to have feelings like this. I do not have any idea how I can even bring this up in person to a loved one. Plus, with all I have been through this past year and then the development of this....it's too much. I contemplate suicide constantly because I cannot handle having such unusual thoughts and also because the desire for what I want is so strong, it's suffocating. I want it so bad. I am just curious to know if there are any other people out there who think they may have this because I would love to discuss with it others.