I am an 18-year-old female and incredibly aloof and detached to the point where I feel abnormal. It shows up in a lot of ways.
- Everything that most people my age seem to care about, I don't. The usual sort of "who's dating who" and the latest fashion is something I couldn't even fathom begin to care about. I'm the sort of person who would rather read books or something factually based.
- I don't really care that much how people feel. Yes, I care if I hurt their feelings or something like that. I would never be mean; in fact, being perceived as mean or rude is one of my greatest fears. But I really only have the mildest interest in the day-to-day activities of people, and I find it hard to actively empathize with people. I can realize that, say, their grandfather dying is a horrible thing to have happened, but I don't feel heartwrenched for them or anything on an emotional level.
- I don't miss people. I can't remember ever having actually missed anyone in my life, whether it be my family or friends or whatever. I can think something along the lines of "Man, it'd be nice if I could see so-and-so soon" but I've never really missed someone or felt homesick.
- I don't feel attachment. I like people, sure, but if they just suddenly up and left, I don't think it would have any real impact on me. For instance, I really liked my cat, but she ended up getting hit by a car. I was devastated for a morning (I found out upon waking up), but by afternoon I had already intellectualized it, realizing that moping wouldn't change her death.
- I feel suffocated if I'm around people too long, and I'm fine with only having a few friends that I see infrequently.
- I have no interest in romantic relationships. At all. I wish I could see the point in dating, but I can't. I don't even want a relationship, actually, because I would feel it would be cruel to whoever was dating me. I don't feel like I could return the affection in a genuine manner.
- But, despite my aloofness, I do feel lonely. Exceedingly so, in fact. It's just that my loneliness does not seem to require much depth of social interaction to ameliorate.
What would make me like this, and is there anything I can do about it? I hate being like this; I feel disgustingly abnormal.
(For the record, I've never gone through any sort of trauma. I was diagnosed with very mild Asperger's and nonverbal learning disability in middle school, but this diagnosis was later recanted, and every professional I've seen since has agreed that I do not fit the criteria. I also struggled with suicidal depression and social anxiety from the age of nine to fifteen, but this has gone into full remission.)
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