I am M 29(single male) I was diagnosed with Anxiety and depression on 8th Jan 2010.
I started treatment on 10mg escitalopram (lexapro) on 8th Jan, it brought relief to anxiety in a week, and when it kicked in the depression was hit out at too... as in I felt a good mood, but all in all I used to feel a certain fakeness in the happy mood.... also along with this I started feeling very overactive and lost sleep.. this caused further misery as my anxiety returned in a couple of day due to constant lack of sleep. Then one afternoon, maybe 3rd week from starting treatment I felt a sudden bout of depression one afternoon.. I must mention that all along I used to feel very confused about how I am feeling - I would not feel like I have an opinion on anything - in the newspaper or TV - I have always been a very strongly opinioned person and this new trend scared me....
at this time combined with my lack of sleep the anxiety and stress caused me to further feel very horrible - I used to feel foggy headed - like I am detached from reality in a way..... and i would have severe dysphoria in the evenings...
finally I went to my psy doctor on 4th Feb who added 15 mg mirtazapine (remeron/zispin) to my prescription as a way to aid in sleep (thats what I was told)..
I started mirtazapine on 7.5 mg - it gave good sleep no doubt and in 3-4 days I felt mood wise better too. Then around 12th feb - 8 days into mirtazapine... one evening I felt very strange - like I have gone numb in the head - cannot think - cannot feel anything... it made me extremely angry and agitated - I started threatening myself with self-harm, this subsided in the night... the next day i again felt this... i noticed that I do feel happy mood few hours but the rest I'd feel like there's a rock in my head... I'll feel like I will go blank....
I also noticed a freaky thing- I was being aware of how i am thinking... like I am observing myself thinking... it created a lot of horror for me.... now I absolutely suppress this desire to do so... as it effectively makes me go mad.
I also must add that I have been constantly almost compulsively been looking up side-effects of anti-dep medicines and mind-disorders...
on 14th I decided that I maybe having emotional-numbness caused by escitalopram and mirtazapine.... one of them.. I suddenly realised this COULD have caused me to have apathy (lack of opinion the previous month)...and I thot this is what is making me numb in the head.
So against my better sense on 14th feb I decided to abruptly stop both medicines.... I felt that it was the meds that had made me be emotionally numb...
now after almost 4 days - I feel not much of the withdrawal effects mentioned about lexapro... but never the less I am not able to be emotionally aware...
this is troubling me a lot... A LOT... to the point of me feeling I may just go mad.... I feel that any moment I may blank out completely.... I am constantly feeling on edge because of this... on vigil of how I am feeling....I am not able to feel anything, rather I AM UNABLE TO KNOW HOW I AM FEELING....
I know the medicines can take upto 5-6 days to leave my system, but then again there has been not much improvement in my mood... infact I tried taking an online test for depression.. and I realised i am absolutely unaware of how I am feeling, I dont know how I am feeling at all.... I would not say i am emotionally numb... but I am UNSURE of that too... it sounds really strange or perhaps even funny.... but I feel that I am not able to feel anything..... plus I feel my mind gets blank... when I cannot THINK anything too... like a clean slate.... this keeps me in a constant state of panic and agitation... I feel I am becoming less and less able to post on forums, ask and talk to people about it...
I keep having this fear that nothing makes me feel interested or stimulated enough and I keep on googling for mental diseases and tally the symptoms with mine.... I hope I do not delude myself into believing any of it.... is it some sort of psychological hypochondria... or what?
I feel apathy in general... I am able to care for people dependent on me... but thats more out of duty than a feeling of affection... this too makes me very scared... I had hoped that stopping the medicine would reverse it... and its absurd to think that the short dosage I took could permanently impair my brain chemistry...
I wonder if it is some defense mechanism that makes it this way.. like I am subconsciously rejecting all feelings... in the fear that some of them may be too much for me to take... also I feel that certain things that happen around that should really upset me are unable to do so...
in the past I used to shock myself to senses by doing this self-threatening with suicide thing....
I feel in a fog all the time... I keep fearing I may lose my mind.... the most uncomfortable feeling is the lack of thoughts in my otherwise-always-bubbling-with-thoughts-mind... plus at times I feel I dont want to do anything... and this disinterest makes me feel like my brain would switch off any moment... i start feeling faint and sleepy... and overcome with extreme fear of going into a VOID......
I just do not know what to do... my friend tells me that I must practice self-acceptance to ease this uncomfortable and utterly maddening feeling... but it is just not possible for me.... I do not want to be like this...
I have maintained a mood-tracker over the past few days AND almost all entries are "feeling blank, very much on edge, very scared, uninterested, antagonistic, worried"...
Is this depression... or is it some neurotic state of mind.... where i have psyched myself into believing I am not able to feel/think anything... I am 'just not sure' ... this is my misery...
Is there a free psy-chologist/chiatrist online who could help....
Is medication the only solution... I cannot afford a therapist/psychologist as where I live and what I earn is too little to do so... ?
I am sorry that my question is so long and disarranged, in my fitter days I would have been very precise and perhaps have used better words.
Please help PLEASE PLEASE HELP