Sorry for long post, but here goes....
I have been diagnosed with depression, treated with Citalpram and then fluxotine. I thought I'd recovered, was made redundant, moved house and hit an all time low again. Have self-harmed, constantly consider suicide.
I have obsessions about famous people in lieu of relationships. Had never had a boyfriend up to the age of 38, am now seeing as men as fast as I can for one thing only. I would like a more permenant relationship but cannot form emotional attachments to real men. I have fallen for a celebrity and fantasise about them all the time, mostly from a comfort point of view, and a dream of a 'real' relationship.
Have had auditory hallucinations - not actually hearing things, but have 'heard' my mobile phone ring, scaring the heck out of me, I dream about loud noises which then wake me up, I see things out of the corner of my eye, I sometimes can't make sense of what I'm seeing, sometimes feel detached from my body. I have bouts of complete depression on sunny afternoons, something linked to my past which I can't remember. I hate sunny afternoons, they make me feel empty and exposed. I like the night time, and I tend to sleep a lot to make the day go faster at weekends.
I have bouts of anger, before the fluoxetine I also had crying jags (very embarrasing at work). I feel I'm persecuted at work, feel everyone is talking about me, I don't like going out because it seems like I'm being stared at. I'm now hooked on alcohol, I sometimes have moments of intense anger when drunk (I stabbed a cupboard door with a carving knife because I bruised myself on it) and often hit myself. Used to have cravings for sex when drunk but don't get that any more since seeing some guys.
I had a mini collapse at work, I felt I had a big black hole in my mind which was sucking everything into it, there was an emotional pain in my inside which was so bad, I wanted to stab myself with a carving knife because I thought it would hurt less. I only went to see a doctor because I couldn't keep on living like this, and I wasn't ready for the alternative. I feel like the AD's help me paper over the black hole, but aren't filling it in. The paper isn't always enough to keep the bad feelings in. I sometimes wake up in the morning, and wonder what it would be like to stab myself. I sometimes want to crash the car while I'm driving it.
Have I got PTSD/CPTSD? I need to know :- What is wrong with me? Why my celebrity is so important to me (and he is the absolute focus of my life), and how to get treatment.
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