Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Troubling problems... I would like some advice/help. (fairly long)

Posted In: Mental conditions 2 Replies
  • Posted By: Parody
  • December 9, 2007
  • 10:28 PM

Okay, I'm fifteen years old ( sixteen quite soon :) ) and female. And I have some problems that are really starting to eat away at me, and I feel like I'm unable to share them with family or friends lest they think less of me or think I'm lying about it all.

One of my most hated problems is my interest and fascination with mental illness and diseases of all kinds. I often take what I've seen on educational television and the Internet (specifically, many articles from Wikipedia) and compare them to any symptoms I may think up that I'm "experiencing", which leads me to believe that I'm a hypochondriac - but then I have to reason with myself: Do hypochondriacs know if they're hypochondriacs; and if they don't, doesn't that just mean I'm putting up a front to myself to convince myself that there's something wrong with me? I also have a fear of heights and ants - but I'm not entirely sure about them anymore, since I've had to mentally tell myself, "You're afraid of those things, remember?" Even though I am genuinely scared of falling because of being in high places and I've even had nightmares of being covered by ants (this I know the cause of - I had a minor ant invasion in my room a few years ago, and couldn't sleep in there for a week because I was afraid there were still ants in there and that they'd mutilate me while I slept or something).

Another one is depression. I've been wondering if I have it, but I can never say for sure since I'm too afraid of letting my parents or friends know about my worries. Three years ago I actually thought about killing myself - but only for a day. I had a huge emotional breakdown for a series of ridiculous reasons. I'm actually very scared of dying and I have little to no tolerance for pain, and the thought of killing myself today makes me cringe a bit; but I still manage to think up ridiculous situations in which I inadvertently kill myself through some means of my own. One of the most prominent things I imagine is falling or being pushed face-first onto the tile of the school floors. Sometimes I even picture what it would be like in slow motion; but I'm quite sure that what I'm imagining isn't what would truly happen (what I imagine is actually quite gruesome for a simple shove). I've also had times in school where I was walking with my friends and just suddenly thought that they were thinking terrible things about me - things along the lines of "Why does she even bother?", "Why does she keep hanging around us like a stray dog (or something similar)?", and "Why won't she just go away?". I know I have self-esteem and body image issues, as well. And when those thoughts come, they hit me like a ton of bricks, and it's very hard to keep composed and not have a breakdown right then. And another thing that bothers me in this category is that I have a friend who goes to a different school, and she was the person I considered my "best friend" in middle school. She's gotten into a lot of theatre and all now, and my sister goes to her school and is into that as well, so I'm usually invited to their cookouts once they've finished their plays. And I remember that at every one of those cookouts I felt so hopeless when I was talking to her because she had made new friends; I felt as if she didn't want me there and that she had moved on from being my friend, and she wished that I would do the same. Thoughts similar to these have been plaguing me for about 3-4 years now.

I'm also bothered by the fact that I become extremely down whenever I'm about to go to sleep or on the weekends when I have nothing to do. I start imagining this fantastic place, all Lord of the Rings/Chronicles of Narnia/Harry Potter pseudo-mix in which I want to live, and then I'm immediately depressed by the fact that I can't live there because it's not real. And then I start thinking about "life" after death - not killing myself, mind. I get caught up on whether there is an "afterlife" or not, and what it's like. Heaven, ***l, Purgatory? I keep remembering one thing my mother told me about Terry Pratchett's Disc World series: That the afterlife is however you imagine it to be. And I always think: "Wouldn't that be wonderful? My afterlife would be just like my dreams, only much more fantastic, and I would have control over almost everything!" And whenever I think about it, it sounds like a God complex. But I really just want all of these "characters" that are jumbled around in my head to be real so that I may converse with them and feel like I actually have strong bonds with these "people". These characters do not whisper voices in my ears, nor do they convince me to do anything; they're more like... just there, whenever I need something to shape and reshape and think about. Sometimes I have strong urges to write about these characters interacting in their own personal stories, but whenever I open up a WordPad or a notebook and am poised to write, an overwhelming feeling of imminent failure washes over me and I get blocked on what I want to write. I just can't imagine anything about them anymore. This also happens with drawing: I'll think of something perfectly, and then I'll attempt to put it on paper, only to become frustrated with my inability to express what I can clearly see in my head.

The last of my problems is mainly just a problem because people make fun of me for my tendencies. I like symmetrical and balanced things. I chew my food symmetrically, I play tetris symmetrically (until I'm forced to change tactics because the right block doesn't come along; although I often work toward getting the little blocks to form a perfectly straight row across the top with no little open spaces between the other blocks), and sometimes I type symmetrically or in a repeating pattern of fingers. Anything that I can't make symmetrical I get as close to it as I can and then balance it (such as my room; my TV and bookcase on one side, my nightstand and vanity on the other, with my bed in the middle). And if I touch something with a certain temperature or texture with one hand, I have an almost irresistible urge to touch it with my other hand so they feel the same. Certain materials or sounds make me cringe, and often I have to shake my hands while scratching at my palms (not enough to cause damage; but I can also scratch at something else, like my jeans or a smooth surface) to make the feeling go away. I particularly can't stand touching corduroy or velvet, or hearing grating sounds.

I'm not sure if any of these indicate mental abnormalities, but it would be nice to get opinions on it. So, I would like to ask for help, please.

Thank you in advance. :)

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2 Replies:

  • First of all... You're quite young, and it's natural that you should have interests in lots of things, that means that you're curious and you want to understand things. Especially with your own body and mind. Do not be afraid of what your family and friends may think you are an individual, the worst you can expect is ridicule, and the best, acceptance. Everyone has what they believe to be, deviant thoughts, at some point in their life. Unless they're perfect little ChurchGoers...Secondly, dreams are of everything. Our Fears, Our Passions, Desires, Hidden DoorWays into the Human Psychy. Ants may be both fears and analogy to something inside of you, in your feelings. You may wish to get a book on dream intrepretation. It's something I did around your age.Feeling Depressed is common, amongst young people especially. Adolescents and younger people growing into a new Body and Mind will be hit harder. I had severe Teenage Depression and I thought of killing myself a great deal more than once! It's likely that a great deal of young people have felt this way. Though it's dangerous, it's normal. You should be careful not to give into such feelings. They're only temporary... You may find that you often feel the people around you are putting a great Facade, that the fabric of your whole World is nothing but bologne. Truth be told, we all feel this way some time or another. You do not have to be a victim to your feelings, do not let your body language betray you. You sound like an intellectual, seek answers to your questions. Do not compromise with any less than the Truth... Ultimately you will hold your head high and you will not show weakness to others. Some people may actually inadvertently give you tell tell signs, subconsciously that they are jealous or spiteful toward you. Perhaps you are intelligent enough to pick up on this, perhaps it is paranoyaSP? Regardless... It's all just social interaction and it's ultimate value, isn't so vastly important. Though your mental health is... You may wish to seek a Wise Counselor or you may not wish to, for some of them are opinionated and not as gifted as they could be. Taking their advice with a grain of salt is good and never tell one your suicidal on a fleeting feeling. They're prone to overreacting and unless those feelings are hardcore enough for you to know for sure it's a danger then proceed to seek help! Imagining that there is a world finer than the one you live is common. I had such imaginations in books and in fiction and I would immerse myself in them for hours as a young man. I found solace in that there was something more Grand and something more Romantic in my Mind than there was in real life. Creating Worlds, Souls in your mind, Characters, that is not abnormal. It's you, part of you, you may be given to some creative Surge and you may be possibly a genius.. That or just another lost soul, whichever you wish to be, that is your choice, how you should channel these energies and these feelings. Try to make them constructive and of good use and do not abandon them. Though you will probably find in time they can be adapted to real life and that their the same Adventures, Romanticism in people and in the World, it may have extreme flaws unlike our minds and fiction but it is however real. The allure you will not find in your head. Beware not to be so overwhelmed and driven into the Mind that you forget that life is out there and when you're ready to take it by the reigns it will in it's own way guide you in many ways... You however must seek out Adventure, and be bold... courageous to find what it is you seek. Also use that intelligence and moreover, be practical... Life is as I said often Dull, but it is nevertheless True... and Real... No afterlife that I've ever known of or read is as we dream or wish, it is only transition into yet another existence... of which we don't know is any better or any worse than here. So do not fool yourself ever into thinking that it's anything but what you are right now, today... Stay focusedNothing of which you described to me, mirrors mental abnormalities. Just a slightly unique individual with a lot of time on her hands ::smiles:: you mind find that you are not spending your time properly. Idle Time is a Sin... The reason they wrote that was that they know an Idle mind can be fine, but at times as humans we're restless and being that you're so young you will find lots of fascinations and lots of strange things that seem subhuman but do not be fooled. Even though most casual and average looking person possesses the same doubts, fears, dreams, etc... that you may... Afterall very little is original, truly.. Most what has been written, dreamt, felt, etc... has been felt by another, by multitudes, so keep that in mind. You will be just fine and you will find your answers in this world if you trust your instincts if you develop your skills of intuition, wisedom and temper them with common sense. Good Luck Young One and do not fear I made it through a much more adverse Youthful State not unlike yours
    Liam123 48 Replies
    • December 23, 2007
    • 04:59 AM
    • 0
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  • I think you sound like a very thoughtful, insightful girl! As for the last thing you mentioned, the symmetical thing is an impulse a lot of people have! Some people think that it means they have Obsessive Compulsive disorder, but it doesn't necessarily mean that. I used to do that all the time, and sometimes still do! We all have some symptoms from every disorder really!Only some people have a bunch more in certain areas, and then we label them as having that disorder. And you seem to be very in-tune with yourself so it is no wonder you're thinking you have all these things! You must notice many little tendencies you have. I wouldn't worry about it, and i'd keep up your interest in mental disorders as long as you realize that many people can have symptoms listed and it doesnt mean that they have it... You also sound like you have an amazing imagination, so embrace it! Don't worry about it. And as for longing to have things in a certain way and then getting depressed about "real life", well I can relate.I especially get that after watching a really incredible movie!It's like "oh darn, back to reality", haha.Maybe you could design characters for movies or something, who knows. Anyway, best of luck! :)
    drifter 7 Replies
    • February 25, 2008
    • 06:46 AM
    • 0
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