Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

The inner conscience of my mind is mad

Posted In: Mental conditions 0 Replies
  • Posted By: Micadelic
  • July 22, 2013
  • 03:50 AM

Before I try to explain the title of the forum, I'll tell a little bit about myself. I'm a 18 year old male, just graduated high school, and now living in a different town than my hometown. I've always been told that I'm different, but not technically in a bad way. I am autistic (but it lessened greatly since my childhood) and have OCD (neat freak, as I've been called.) My parents were told that I would never be in normal classes in school; needing extra attention. I was in a program before I started kidnergarden where they helped children that had issues learning and such. I was held back an extra year in this program before I was ready for normal schooling. Ever since then, I've been in mostly academic classes, if not all the classes I ever had, especially through high school. I've become a responsible, well mannered, respectful man since then, and that all came from experience. I had lots of friends coming in and out of my life, and only a small amount of them still remain. I was a perfect angel until I took my first inhale of k2, that's when things started going down hill for me. I started getting into the habit of smoking this stuff often with my sister and my close friend. I really can't recall any moments where I went out of control like most people that you read dying from the stuff. I only smoked it for maybe 2 or 3 weeks tops, before being introduced to the real hemp by my best friend. That's when I started rolling around with the bad boys of my town, smoking good weed and having a **** of a time. That's the time when things seemed perfect to me; summer was great and the memories were even greater. Me and my buddies were going to parties just about every weekend, even throughout my junior year. When weed didn't seem good enough for everyone, kids started bringing other drugs in my presence. One of these drugs was cocaine; when I first tried my first bump, it didn't seem like much, sure the feeling was awesome, just like everyone else that has tried it would say. It wasn't until 2 months later; a week or so after turning 18, I decided to drive to another town with a few people in a terrible snow storm to split a gram with a buddy. That's when I started getting hooked on this drug. At this time, I was going through some girl problems; these girl that I was talking to, on and off, was finally starting to make me feel worthless and pathetic, and no man wants to feel that way. That's when coke started helping me dominate those weak feelings. I convinced myself that I was dominate over everyone before me, including this stunning girl. I was making 2 hour trips just get ahold of this powerful powder, every other week it seemed. I even have tried drugs like molly and ecstasy, but never found them to be so great. I was at that point where the coke wasn't enough and considered doing meth, just for that dominate feeling. Those times where I didn't have the white substance, I would find any "downers" that my mom or friends would have; I did those just to feel "blank" or "emotionless". After several months of doing all of these nasty substances, I started to realize that this wasn't helping me, so I stopped playing with hard drugs and prescribed medications. Evenually, I started to feel different about myself, but I think my increased smoking habit had something to do with that idea. Even to this day, I still smoke regularly, which really isn't a personal problem anymore, except maybe anxiety and respiratory problems. The strange thing is, I still think about that girl constantly. I question what I could possibly do to win her over, or even just to get her to realize who I really am now. I've wanted to explain to her this same story, but I feel like I'll never get the chance because she just doesn't seem to care to much about others, let alone myself. Plus she's horrible with communicating via text or Facebook. I share this with this site because I wanted to know if anyone out there understands what I'm saying and if anyone can relate to this. I feel like I'm fighting my mad thoughts alone...

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