I know this is a lot to read, but please do, I'm desperate for answers. I
For the past several weeks (basically, for a few months now) I've been worried out of my mind. I've always sort of known that I've had an anxiety disorder, but now I think I have a combination of several different severe disorders. This has me worried to death...I'm shaking right now, just typing.
For several years now, I've been living in a fantasy world....mostly influenced by movies, video games, and my own reality...and I don't know how to get out of it. It's a huge preoccupation, but it doesn't interfere with my attention, ability to reason, or basically any part of my life. My obsession with fantasizing is a huge secret...my parents have absolutely no clue that I'm literally in my own world a huge percentage of my free time, and I'm absolutely scared to death to even think about mentioning it. My characters in my fantasies sometimes shift frequently, sometimes back and forth, just like story lines etc. My fantasies are also focused on romantic or comforting situations. I'm the person I want to be in my fatasies...extraordinary.
I also have symptoms of a generalized anxiety disorder...the extent that I'm pushed to during stressful or difficult situations is unbelievable. Even as a child, I remember worrying excessively about things to come years from the time. I search the internet endlessly for answers, only to not be satisfied with whatever I find...I look for advice constantly...I obsess over health, school, religious, and future-related issues mainly. It tears me apart. The fear is overwhelming.
I also have symptoms of avoidant personality disorder. I am hypersensitive to any sort of negative evaluation or the slightest critizism or remark. I also become excessively shy and nervous around people, mainly because of my obsessive self-conciousness and fears and negative judgements about myself. I also have a very small circle of trust within my large group of friends...I love them to death, but I fear that they reject who I really am at times. I also have a severely low self-esteem. Although I am outgoing academically, I am very shy and withdrawn within groups and classes, never asking questions or talking to anyone other than my close friends. I feel inferior to everyone, especially the higher-class students at my school. I excessively monitor the facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language of those that I'm talking to. I am constantly fearing embarrasing situations at school and in public. I fear going shopping or even doing simple yard work because of the fear of being watched or judged by neighbors of passerbys.
This fear of being watched has got to the point that I even feel like I'm being watched in private. This feeling used to be very strong....but, with self-help, I've reduced that feeling to almost nothing. However, I still feel like I'm being watched or make up scenarios of negative judgements of others...but, this only lasts a few seconds and whenever I get my mind occupied with whatever I'm doing, it completely goes away. I'm not suffering from a break with reality...I know nobody is there. I know it's just me. I don't get the lines of fantasy and reality mixed...I just really want to stress that.
But with much research, I fear to the extreme that I have a schizophrenia-related disorder. I don't think I have full-blown schizophrenia, but I do think it's very possible that I have a schizotypal personality disorder. I haven't felt anxiety this intense in an extremely long time, and I'm praying to God that I don't have anything related to schizophrenia. I don't have any sort of hallucination or delusions that I really know of (other than the feeling of being watched, but I know that it's just me and not an outside force). I don't look or dress or act in an odd or peculiar manner...but I do think that my thinking is somewhat disorganized. I feel as if my topic of thought changes rapidly, but that just might be me being afraid of having something wrong with me.
Another piece of me that convinces me that I'm schizotypal is my extreme fear of the paranormal. I want to be a Christian, but church is very, VERY hard to come by because of where I live. I struggle with religion, but I definetely know that I am going to be a Christian one day. I constantly fear the Rapture, or any kind of paranormal/demonic activity because of the fact that I'm not saved. I pray to God every night for safety...but the fear never goes away. I sleep with my lamp and computer on...if I had a definite answer on my paranormal questions, I think I wouldn't worry about them anymore.
I just want to be normal, to fit in...that's all I want. And to know that I am dysfunctional or am even the slightest bit of insane, it tears me up inside. I fear that nothing can be completely helped. I fear that I will never be normal. I fear that I'm crazy, or insane. All I'm asking is for some decent help or advice from any member on here, but I'm mainly looking for some professional advice. Please tell me what you may think I have from the symptoms I've described. It is very much appreciated....very, very much.
I'm going to get therapy soon, but, it might take longer than expected, knowing my parents...
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