ok, so i've almost worked my self up to taking some initiative about, whatever i have. ive been like this my whole life (just turned 18), and its gotten to a point where i want to help myself. and im finding it incredibly difficult to even say this here.
basically, i cant function in social situations. its social anxiety of some sort. well its not that i can't, i can, but everything i say is always fake. like its not me talking. i cant pick up on social cues, start a conversation, continue a conversation and all the time my brain is telling me im wasting my time with this person.
the anxiety isn't just in social situations. its all the time. if anything mildly confronting happens, that event will circulate around my head for weeks. and i go on massive tangents. what if this happened, what would i do?. that even happens for events that i make up myself (in my head). and it gets me stressed.
another issue is that i have extremely poor motor skills. its a pain to write. and even read. i can, but there's something blocking me. here is an example of my writing skills:
i think this is also part of the reason why i can barely bring myself to start something. this is not to say i don't do anything! i am exceptionally skilled at doing a lot of tasks (ive been given the term prodigious). i need to focus on something until i can preform it at a proficient level. well, anything that doesn't involve using fine motor skills or any form of social interaction. i quite literally cant work in groups.
but the fact that i cant do these things after years upon years of trying builds my level of anxiety and stress up. and i feel like i cant function.
this is an extreme roundabout way of putting it. i hope you realise how hard this was for me to say. and i hope i get an answer other than, 'you sound like an arrogant ****k'; which seems to be the general consensus. i would like to help my self. but honestly i don't know where to start.