Note: Please forgive odd wording. I have an autism-spectrum disorder and will often randomly take/mean things literally when its not clear that I am.
So, I had written here before about my constant lifelong skin pain. Seen doctors too...Apparently what i shouldve done is mentioned i had an autism spectrum condition. This got me answers fast...
...Unfortunately, they were bad. Terrible really. Horrific would not be going too far. Basically, for whatever reason, I have an incurable disorder that turns any physical (touch) sensation into extreme pain; showers, rain, hugs, and so on. And I instinctive yank away at this point, and even will start to get nervous before contact is made.
Heres my problem. First of all, cant afford a therapist. This is bad because I have crashed. Realising that i will likely never be able to enjoy the tuoch of someone else has just...destroyed me inside. I cant relate very well what this ***l feels like -- even very lonely folks generally have a *chance* of pleasure.
I do not. And I am so...unhappy. The only thing i can think of to describe is how really exhausted i am. Im 24 years old and male..And Ive already experienced such huge amounts of pain. During my extensive medical work, i hurt so much, all I wanted was someone to hold me..
...And then I got it, and my world crashed. Because it hurt me too. Now i spend a decent portion of my days trying not to continually cry, and have degraded to having zero patience. I just feel utterly trapped in my own little ***l.
Its...hard to explain. But now that i know i cant have it, im even more desperate. It feels like something everyone else gets has been taken away from me..And its one of the most important forms of interaction our species has, probably THE most important.
How..Can I keep going? Just so its clear abundantly, I declared suicide to be "Not an Option" during my heavy medical work (the most painful time in my life) and would only reconsider in the case of destructive, degenerative conditions that i was sure to die slowly and painfully from. No amount of depression, sadness, anger, or feelings of injustice are good reasons in my mind, so despite the occasional thoughts to the effect, it remains not an option.
But I do feel empty.and sad. very, very sad. Ive stopped being able to funciton realisitcly, my heart pain has ratcheted up, my total panic has been suppressed by devastating emotional collapse. All I want is someone to be close to...and its clear that is not going to be possible.
What do I do...? I mean..I dont know. I dont know even where to start getting over this. Its become my every thought and my every sight. Ive started sleeping way more than i should, and have been in a state of constant nausea for days -- I feel so awful that I forget how to swallow. among other things. And this is as disturbing as it sounds, yes.
I just cant figure out anything, anything at all, to break this cycle, since the one thing i wanted so bad for so long and still do, i can never have. Considering my only other desires were centerd around magical portals to alternate universes, Doctor Who and the pokemon Mewtwo, I'd rather not abandon my physical self utterly just yet. But going on like this, clearly, will destroy me.
Anyone with any advice for me? Remember, cant go to a therapist, cause no money. Thank you all for reading this.
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