Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Reclusive misanthrope bent on self-destruction

Posted In: Mental conditions 4 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • October 28, 2008
  • 04:27 PM

Prozac has alleviated feelings of inferiority from entering my head when I interact with other people. I have been on them for a few months. My doctor isn't fully aware of what I need them for - just a general idea of my having a social phobia. I'm not afraid any more. I hate the world and it's inhabitants. I always have, but used to hate myself most so could put up with other peoples' coldness and such. Now that I don't feel more worthless than anyone else, it is becoming increasingly ubearable to put up with the rubbish people create i.e lying, cheating etc.

I often disdain the idea of conversation with people, but actually do it more than I used to before the prozac. I have become very open and honest about what I am thinking and feeling --except from my misanthropic feelings. More people are becoming attached to me. I kind-of am to them too, but it feels false to me.

I don't want to live until my next birthday. I feel like going on a path of destruction, destroying as my focus:my personality and soul. I'm trying to shed the sweet image people have of me, but not through hurting them if possible. Maybe trying to shock myself into a new personality, more fit for the harsh realities of life. One consideration is helping a man cheat. I know this would destroy my conscience, so it appeals to me because my overactive conscience is my biggest driving force.

My late uncle had schizophrenia and stayed in his room as a recluse for most of his life - this has been somewhat a dream to me. I am mostly cooped up in my room when I am not working and am thought of by my family as strange because of it.

I know it to be abnormal behaviour but I'm unsure if I want to change it at all. I'm more looking for guidance from anyone who can help me as to attaining more insight into what makes me abnormal, or if I have some sort of condition or Avoidant Personality Disorder or something alike.

Am I making sense? The outer world is seeing someone I am personally shedding - they can't tell yet for most of the changes are within. It will become apparant with eventuality as the changes build up. The only one they have noticed is a 'build in confidence,' which I corrected them was a 'new-found lack of caring.' Something very wrong is happening with me, and I don't know if I like it or not, but I do know I am behind it. I am open to anyone's thoughts on the matter, be it helpful advice, facts, or even to criticise. All input is welcome so please 'stick your oar in' if you will.

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4 Replies:

  • I'm sorry if my way of posing my question sounds hostile, I'm the opposite in person! I never speak to offend, but in looking for answers I guess I tried to provoke a blunt answer.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • November 9, 2008
    • 11:57 PM
    • 0
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  • it sounds like you are new to antideppressents. you will need time to get used to people and the world. some of your remarks make me think you are still having anxiety. also it is good to have talk therapy when starting these drugs. i know most people cant get talk therapy but it would help you transistion to the "confident" person. it may be that you are a person who can get by with only an occassional social get together. not everyone has to entertain nightly to feel content. there is a lot of social pressure to be loud, charming and the life of the party and many who dont feel that way are just faking it because they dont have the brains to find something they enjoy. i wonder, what is so entertaining in your room? are you working on something in there, or are you compiling a list of people to kill for past greivences? only you know if your life is satisfying to you. is it? sorry for lack of advice but your progress sounds good so far. nothing to advise.
    emmarene 34 Replies
    • November 16, 2008
    • 11:26 AM
    • 0
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  • You posted soooo long ago, that I wonder if there's even a point in responding. Oh well...maybe someone else can get something out of this...I have a lot of the same "Issues" that you have. I have been unemployed now since August of 2008 because I : A) Have a general and social anxiety disorder B) Can't stand the human raceI actually fear them. Some of the choices that are made that affect my life terrify me. Sometimes I wonder...Am I the sane one and the other 99% of people are the ones with the real issues. It honestly feels that way sometimes. I don't know if this is some new personality disorder, or if this is just how it's going to be. I don't feel like getting into too much detail, but if you get this post, it would be interesting to discuss this in more of a 1 on 1 type scenario.I am obsessed with finding answers, and will check your post for a response.
    Mofozod 1 Replies Flag this Response
  • Prozac has alleviated feelings of inferiority from entering my head when I interact with other people. I have been on them for a few months. My doctor isn't fully aware of what I need them for - just a general idea of my having a social phobia. I'm not afraid any more. I hate the world and it's inhabitants. I always have, but used to hate myself most so could put up with other peoples' coldness and such. Now that I don't feel more worthless than anyone else, it is becoming increasingly ubearable to put up with the rubbish people create i.e lying, cheating etc. I often disdain the idea of conversation with people, but actually do it more than I used to before the prozac. I have become very open and honest about what I am thinking and feeling --except from my misanthropic feelings. More people are becoming attached to me. I kind-of am to them too, but it feels false to me.I don't want to live until my next birthday. I feel like going on a path of destruction, destroying as my focus:my personality and soul. I'm trying to shed the sweet image people have of me, but not through hurting them if possible. Maybe trying to shock myself into a new personality, more fit for the harsh realities of life. One consideration is helping a man cheat. I know this would destroy my conscience, so it appeals to me because my overactive conscience is my biggest driving force.My late uncle had schizophrenia and stayed in his room as a recluse for most of his life - this has been somewhat a dream to me. I am mostly cooped up in my room when I am not working and am thought of by my family as strange because of it.I know it to be abnormal behaviour but I'm unsure if I want to change it at all. I'm more looking for guidance from anyone who can help me as to attaining more insight into what makes me abnormal, or if I have some sort of condition or Avoidant Personality Disorder or something alike.Am I making sense? The outer world is seeing someone I am personally shedding - they can't tell yet for most of the changes are within. It will become apparant with eventuality as the changes build up. The only one they have noticed is a 'build in confidence,' which I corrected them was a 'new-found lack of caring.' Something very wrong is happening with me, and I don't know if I like it or not, but I do know I am behind it. I am open to anyone's thoughts on the matter, be it helpful advice, facts, or even to criticise. All input is welcome so please 'stick your oar in' if you will.I know this is coming late as you posted so long ago, but in case anyone is reading this or is suffering the same problem.You should research orthomolecular psychiatry and find a practitioner near you or contact them and ask about advice. I am not affiliated with them at all fyi.I have researched and found our minds and bodies are affected by many things, and this especially goes for our mental or psychological health.Long-term or severe vitamin deficiencies can affect schizophrenia.Depression is also something a to consider, as well as Aspergers disorder. People with Aspergers have difficult making or keeping friendships, often are very intelligent yet social awkward so this affects there socialization skills.They often have trouble making eye contact and are sensitive to noise.Finally I have heard the personality type that tends to be reclusive is called either http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorderor another personality disorder with at times reclusive tendencies ishttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypal_personality_disorderyou should have some sort of outlet and at least one person you can talk to it is not healthy to be completely reclusive.Best.X
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
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