Prozac has alleviated feelings of inferiority from entering my head when I interact with other people. I have been on them for a few months. My doctor isn't fully aware of what I need them for - just a general idea of my having a social phobia. I'm not afraid any more. I hate the world and it's inhabitants. I always have, but used to hate myself most so could put up with other peoples' coldness and such. Now that I don't feel more worthless than anyone else, it is becoming increasingly ubearable to put up with the rubbish people create i.e lying, cheating etc.
I often disdain the idea of conversation with people, but actually do it more than I used to before the prozac. I have become very open and honest about what I am thinking and feeling --except from my misanthropic feelings. More people are becoming attached to me. I kind-of am to them too, but it feels false to me.
I don't want to live until my next birthday. I feel like going on a path of destruction, destroying as my focus:my personality and soul. I'm trying to shed the sweet image people have of me, but not through hurting them if possible. Maybe trying to shock myself into a new personality, more fit for the harsh realities of life. One consideration is helping a man cheat. I know this would destroy my conscience, so it appeals to me because my overactive conscience is my biggest driving force.
My late uncle had schizophrenia and stayed in his room as a recluse for most of his life - this has been somewhat a dream to me. I am mostly cooped up in my room when I am not working and am thought of by my family as strange because of it.
I know it to be abnormal behaviour but I'm unsure if I want to change it at all. I'm more looking for guidance from anyone who can help me as to attaining more insight into what makes me abnormal, or if I have some sort of condition or Avoidant Personality Disorder or something alike.
Am I making sense? The outer world is seeing someone I am personally shedding - they can't tell yet for most of the changes are within. It will become apparant with eventuality as the changes build up. The only one they have noticed is a 'build in confidence,' which I corrected them was a 'new-found lack of caring.' Something very wrong is happening with me, and I don't know if I like it or not, but I do know I am behind it. I am open to anyone's thoughts on the matter, be it helpful advice, facts, or even to criticise. All input is welcome so please 'stick your oar in' if you will.
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