I am 25 years old guy currently unemployed, unstable and still not graduated. Due to my multiple attempts to treat my depression without taking medications i have been a failure in all my fields whether its relationships, career or studies. When i researched over Internet, i found out that i carry all the depression symptoms. I feel that i have been suffering it from past 10-12 years which i have overlooked and now it has become so intense that i have been concentrating more on treating my problems rather than on other fields.
Problems : 1) I have passion in music which aroused at the time when i became isolated. I changed my career line and left studies due to it. Without any support i have become technically sound into it but sometimes feel confused and unsure about doing it independently. Also i look up for a job in the same industry where i can start my career and last it for years but i am not able to stretch it more than few months and leave it due to some unavoidable reasons which shows clear sign of instability.
The main problem is that i have recently left a job (which was related to my career) as i felt isolated and wastage of time and thought of using that time to enhance my skills. Now i am at that stage i am not able to make any decisions regarding my career, studies and have to think a lot before taking any decisions. I also thought of seeking medical help but again i feel that i might quit. Now i do have lot of support from my family and friends but i have lost that passion to achieve it completely. Overall i feel scared to pursue anything as i have seen big failures in my life regarding relationships with friends, affairs & career.
2) As i am the eldest son in my family i have lot of responsibilities but i am not able to do anything. My younger brother has finished all his education and is helping dad with the business. It lead me to be more stressed and find a suitable career and prove them to be stable which is not happening. Problems of ego for asking money from parents lead me to change jobs to earn money which caused instability in jobs and my career. And now when i planned to pursue my graduation it feels that will i be able to continue it or not? Overall i feel scared to pursue anything as i have seen big failures in my life regarding relationships with friends, affairs & career.
Now its been 2 years i have been avoiding relationships just because i feel that i might end up hurting someone again. I also feel that i should have taken a stable career rather than going for a career which i am not able to learn or concentrate or i am not able to get any support. But i don't know in the end of the day i stick to the option which i want to do...After lot of struggles for years i feel that i have not gained much in any of the fields leaving myself
Treatment : I tried lot of remedies to treat my depression consciously and unconsciously but nothing was successful being it medications, jobs, love affairs, friends, philosophies (Buddhism, Scientology). In between my struggle i used to smoke, take substances and also drink heavily but after my first dose of medication my life changed. i left everything. I became religious and started thinking about stability. It was a sudden shift of my abilities and personality. But sooner i realized that i cannot be dependent on those medications and the results were seen. I became depressed again. After 2 years i again tried to take medications and continue it for long. As i didn't find any change, i left it and had faith in me to treat my depression without medications and the results were seen again.
Conclusion : Now i have challenged to get rid of this problem completely. I have even started to maintain a diary of events of my daily activities and mood swings. Please help and suggest me what to do. Am i taking my life very seriously???? Also please find below results after going through various personality tests.
Problems i found out during self analysis:
1. I think a lot (mostly negative).
2. I get confused while taking any decisions.
3. I get lot of fits when i think extreme.
4. I am stuck between my past and future thoughts.
5. I have difficulty getting up in the morning.
6. I always reach late in any meeting, job or any event.
7. I feel dull during morning till afternoon but become active in evening time.
8. I expect a lot from my friends, family in return but it doesn't bother me much as i don't get it.
9. I am able to learn practical stuff but i am not able to learn anything which is theory based.
10. I have difficulty to concentrate and learn anything which is ART related (music or dance) mostly problem of co-ordination.
11. I feel unsure about my career and future prospects and finding out solutions to make it better.
12. I feel irritated, depressed and jealous sometimes when i see my peers living happily with their stable careers specially in my field.
13. My level of confidence is at extreme and then suddenly at zero and sometimes rarely negative.
14. I feel that i have been blessed with opportunities but i don't have confidence to pursue it.
15. I have problem of what others think and sometimes i take action accordingly.
16. I also have problem of cleanliness which sometime turns very obsessive.
17. I feel that i have become left brained rather than right brained.
18. I only learn things after taking risk and not when advised by others.
19. Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
20. Lack of enthusiasm and motivation
21. Fatigue or lack of energy
22. Thoughts of death or suicide
23. Unexplained aches and pains
24. Extreme sensitivity to criticism
25. Withdrawing from some, but not all people
Personality Disorder Test
This test covers the DSM-IV Personality Disorders
Paranoid - 66%
Schizoid - 58%
Schizotypal - 82%
Antisocial - 58%
Borderline - 86%
Histrionic - 54%
Narcissistic - 54%
Avoidant - 34%
Dependent - 70%
Obsessive-Compulsive - 70%
Career Inventory Test
Extroversion - 56%
Emotional Stability - 46%
Orderliness - 56%
Altruism - 60%
Inquisitiveness - 50%
Personality type is ENFP