My ex-GF & I are nudists, 50 & 59, members of a club where we met in 2005. We dated twice in Dec. 2005, but while I was away, she found a friend outside the club. Nothing came of that, but I didn't ask her out again, even though she would regularly come over to me & we would talk, drink and dance. In early Nov., status quo changed. She joined me in the hot tub one Sat. aft., we talked until dinner time, I asked if she were hungry, & though she said no, she invited herself to sit with me. We drank & danced until after 1, we adjourned to my room & she didn't leave until Mon. aft. A non-resident member, I went home & returned two weeks later. The relationship picked up where it left off & stayed that way until I left after a long weekend. This time there was a three-week gap in visits, but we talked daily, & she was counting the days until my return, as was I.
We reunited on Sat. aft., Dec. 9, started drinking & continued until near 12, during which time we ate with two married friends & danced as close as two people can dance (her female buddy called it "artistic dancing."). Headed to my room, she shouted, "I wish you lived here," a sore subject we'd discussed & which I mishandled by throwing up my arms & saying, "Here we go again," instead of taking her in my arms, kissing her & replying, "I wish I lived here, too." In the bed, she said, "I don't feel the same toward you as when you left," & the night disintegrated. At 1:30 I couldn't sleep, checked my voice mail, then went out briefly to the hot tub to try to relax & sober up. She later accused me -- and this is vital, as I will detail -- of going outside with my phone, which I didn’t, & calling someone.
We woke hung over & headachy, but she sat up in bed and said, "___, I really like you." I said, "What’s the 'but' coming now?" She said, "There is no 'but'." We got up, had lunch & talked about her flying to visit my home & other plans. A situation then arose in which she thought I was acting jealous & rude about a male member coming over to talk to her. Actually, I was still so fogged out from the previous night I didn't want to talk. I went to get headache pills for her, & when I returned, I said I was going back to take a nap. She said she'd go also, & as I snuggled up to go to sleep, she said, "___ asked what was wrong with you out there." Misreading that scenario, she said I was acting possessive & jealous & she wasn't comfortable & was going home & would call later. She called at 10, said the sex had messed up our relationship & wanted to go back to seeing each other as friends. She said she'd see me before I left, & Tuesday and Wednesday after work, she came to the club & we shared drinks & hot-tub conversations, during which she said the reason she went to bed with me each time was because the alcohol reduced her resistance, which is a lie & to me a sign of wanting to blame outside factors & not being accountable for her own actions, decision-making & desires.
Now came the mental problems. I went home, & we talked at length Friday, when she admitted to me for the first time that the reason she hadn't felt the same toward me after my three weeks away was because her intuition, which she trusted as being right most of the time, had told her I had been with someone while I was gone. Nothing was further from the truth. She told me she had suspicions about me since I didn't answer my phone at 3 a.m. when she called half-drunk (I heard the ring but was exhausted from work & had an early awakening the next a.m.) & also because I rarely answered my cell without it going to voice mail (bad hearing). She said she didn't trust me because I had cheated on my first wife, but she disregarded my faithfulness with Nos. 2 & 3.
We saw each other platonically the rest of December & generally had a good time, although I told her I would be on the lookout for a normal, healthy sexual relationship, & despite her repeatedly berating me & criticizing me about my past, she invited me to spend New Year's with her at the club, which I did. We parted that evening with her telling me she had a good time but that there was no chemistry between us. Believe me, I know chemistry, & the chemistry we had in November was torrid. I saw her four nights later, & after a light first half of the evening, in which we carried on like all was OK, she turned hostile in an instant, insisted something was wrong with me because three wives had left me, called me a control freak & said she was now uncomfortable around me. My tolerance level maxxed to my limit, I got up from the tub & left peacefully. But I did call her message machine before she could get home & told her I thought she had lied to me, deceived me & manipulated me.
Told she was flying out of town for the weekend with a girl friend, I was at the club without her before leaving Monday. That night at 1 a.m., she called & said she’d been to the club & learned I’d been talking to her friends about her, which I had not. I asked for names & statements, which she did not provide, & once again being falsely accused, like the previous episode of “cheating” on her, I called her delusional, paranoid & out of her mind. She retaliated with similar name-calling, and I also called her a “wack job”, a term she uses to describe others. She called me a “wack job”, said the club was her home, not mine, & that I had invaded her territory, & she hung up the call. I sent her an e-mail detailing her problems & asking her to get help, & we haven’t had a conversation since, although we have seen each other at the club.
Despite her attractiveness & outgoingness, she hasn't been married since a divorce at 19 from a husband who married her because of a pregnancy. She rebounded, got her GED, finished nursing school & now has a good job, which she hates. She claims to have had only two loves in her life (her husband not included) & won't discuss them. She is religious, & despite what some might view as contradictory while being a nudist, she professes to high moral values, which is part of what attracts me to her. During the good times of getting to know her & evolving into a sexual relationship, she was friendly, easygoing, fun to be with & talk to, carefree & giving.. But within hours on Dec. 9-10 she turned distant, stubborn, cold-hearted, callous, combative, argumentative, negative &, most of all, cynical. She is always doubting the goodness of other people & questioning the sincerity of human motives, mine included. Nothing I could do, from sending her roses & telling her I loved her, could change her.
Here’s what I want to learn:
(1) Is she bi-polar, as some friends, including women, have suggested? At first I thought no, but more & more I’m believing it, as she has told me her entire life has been continual stress & anxiety & she told me she was on medication for depression when we first dated in Dec. 2005. Was this past November in her manic cycle, in which I read that bi-polar people tend to be promiscuous, & from December 9-10 on in her depression cycle?
(2) Do I see signs of schizophrenia, which Webster describes as “a mental disorder characterized by indifference, withdrawal, hallucinations & delusions of persecution & omnipotence"? I read that people with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships & do not show much emotion. I’ve shown all the normal human reactions of the heartbreak of the breakup – crying, little appetite & sleep for about four days soon afterward & erratic, disturbed rest since then – & she’s shown none, saying, “It’s not like we were married or something – what’s there to cry about?” The second weekend we spent together when we were discussing “us”, the positives & negatives, she said she liked “everything” about me except the 400 miles apart, she shed a few tears & said that was just the second time in five years she had cried. Yet she told me she once went three years crying every night.
(3) What I think she best fits to a T is this description from a psychology website: “Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others & a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge & abilities & usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything & read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends & loved ones (she always said to me, “You don’t CARE for me”) & often appear cold & distant to others. They usually shift blame to others & tend to carry long grudges.”
I can’t decide whether to still fight for her & her future well-being, because I still care for her so much. I’m beyond the misery stage affecting my life or work. I just hate to see ghosts, demons and past issues blocking her from realizing the potential of the present & beyond. I’ve seen, experienced & tasted her great upside. It's such a shame for that not to be the only side.
I’ve made her aware of everything in this thread, & to this point, she has not responded. When I have tried to get her to talk about her past, she has said she’d rather focus ahead. I’d welcome any input regarding her true condition & my dealing with the situation. Thanks!
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