Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Nine Years and at my wit's end

Posted In: Mental conditions 6 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • December 10, 2006
  • 11:15 AM

I am a 22 year old female, almost 23 years old, and this is going to be a bit long. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and social anxiety almost 9 years ago. I had this terrible fear of getting into a car accident and becoming paralyzed. In 2000, I was placed on Effexor and was fine for a few months (anxiety was almost nonexistant, I was happier) and then it stopped working. I stayed on it though, but gradually got more miserable. Once I graduated high school, I wasn’t too bad until my second semester of college. That is when I started to get really bad. I went off the Effexor in May of 2003 and a few weeks later went on Zoloft. Didn’t work. Was placed on Lexapro. Didn’t work. Was placed back on Effexor and this is when it started to get really bad. Back in April of 2005, I went through a few weeks of being terrified I had diabetes due to a pretty high increase in weight. Not long after that, I was terrified of catching.....let's see if I can get this right....meningoccal menigitis. Whatever form can lead to amputations. Then at the end of October I went off the Effexor- from 75 mg to nothing. Not smart. This is when everything bad started to happen. After I went off the Effexor, I started to notice that I had really bad eye floaters and I started to get worried that it was a sign of diabetic retinopathy. This was also around the time I came across the "aspartame is dangerous!" websites and I started to worry, including that I have gained quite bit of weight, that, after reading aspartame can supposedly cause diabetes, I had diabetes. So I go to the eye doctor and she tells me my eyes are fine and that floaters are common in near sighted people, which I am very near sighted. So I am fine for a week and then I start to freak out again and after a few weeks of hysterical crying and panic attacks, I finally ask to have my blood sugar tested. It was fine. I'm fine up until New Years and then I start to think I am seeing flashes of light, leading to a new fear of a detached retina. Then, one day I am in work and instead of doing my work, I am researching on light flashes and what can cause them. I come across a website that mentions light flashes can be a sign of optic neuritis. I had no idea what the ***l that was so I research on it and find out it's a very common symptom of MS. So I start to worry and suddenly remember that those aspartame sites said aspartame can cause or mimic it. I come home and research on it, just to find out aspartame toxicity can mimic it. I'm fine for a few days and then suddenly I am hit with the thoughts, well what if I just have the disease? I'm a complete and utter wreck....hysterical practically.....so my therapist sends me to the hospital. I came home from the hospital finally convinced that I don't have it....until later that night. I freaked out because of what was really the medicine side effects (tremors, dizziness, diplopia, mydriasis, etc).. I was hysterical, screaming "No! It's not the medicine! It's too much of a coicidence!" everytime someone tried to tell me it was the medicine. I did eventually calm down, but I still worried obsessively that I had it for 2 months afterwards. I even resorted to cutting myself really bad because I was so fed up with no one listening to me. Since December of last year I have been on Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, Abilify, Topamax, Geodon, and I am currently on Prozac and Seroquel. Recently, I was evaluated and told I have depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, a form of bipolar, and a very mild form of schizoaffective. My severe social anxieties never even got touched on. But since January, I have been a wreck. I have been out of work. I was able to get temporary disability for some time. I have delusions. I read things and think that they are possible signs of the futures. I picture the worst happening in my mind and worry that the thoughts in my head are going to come true. I go to bed every night praying I do not wake up. I am not suicidal, really. I just want to die. I have lost the will to live. I also have done a complete 180 and keep praying that I will get MS or become paralyzed. I have no idea why I think this way. It just popped into my head one day and that has been my life since around March. And it’s making me even more miserable because I do know why I have these thoughts and I can’t tell anyone because face it- no one wants these things. It’s crazy to want them. But I do. And I keep praying it happens. I have no idea what to do with my life. I get good grades, but don’t feel like I am smart enough for anything. I have zero self esteem. I look in the mirror and want to smash it in because I think I am so undesirable. I have violent mood swings. I freak out every time I see people with certain disabilities because 1) I am jealous and 2) I worry that they are an omen. I am absolutely ga-ga over a guy who is paralyzed from the waist down and I cry every night because my heart breaks for him. And even if I had someone tell me I do not want the things I want, the chances of it changing my mind are slim to none. I can barely concentrate and my social skills are terrible. It’s like half of me is schizoid in that I do not want to be around people and the other half is avoidant in that I am terrified how people are going to react to me. I barely have any friends because I do not trust people. I still get urges to cut myself and have to do everything in my power to resist them. And to top it off, I am losing my health insurance at the end of the year. I have no idea how I am supposed to work. I am absolutely terrified to go back to work. I don’t know how I can concentrate at a job. My mind is too consumed with anxiety and obsessions. Back in April I had a new job and quit after 2 days because I couldn’t handle it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just cry and cry because I do not know what to do anymore. Any help? How am I ever supposed to go back to work?

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  • Continued on:I have no desire to do anything. I just want to stay in bed all day. I am bone tired all day long. Every so often I get these bouts where my lower back is hurting really bad and the pain shoots down my legs. This time of year is stirring up all memories of last year and I keep having dreams I am back in the hospital. I feel like I was traumatized. From the time I wake up until I go to bed I just worry constantly. Sometimes they even come in my dreams. People tell me I need to distract my mind, but they just do not understand- it does not work. I have tried everything to distract my mind and it does not work. They are just there. Constantly. I feel like my mind is waging war against me. I constantly feel like I am the worst daughter in the world and I do not deserve to be around my family. I have never had a boyfriend, let alone a kiss, because while I would love a boyfriend, I am too terrified to have one. I will constantly suspect him of cheating and wonder why he is with me and if he is only with me because he wants to get laid and wants to brag that he was my first. If a man ever cheated on me, I would never be able to date again. I am extremely sexually frustrated, yet the idea of sex repulses me. I find fault with every one. I try to find hidden meaning into things people say to me. I bare no response to compliments. I figure they are just saying it to make me feel better. I take criticism hard- I will think about it for days, weeks, years even. If people do not respond to me a certain way, I immediately get upset and feel stupid. I pretend to be people I admire and make up entire storylines to go with it. I have been doing this since I was little. I lose my temper easily. I am overly hyper one minute, and the next I am on the floor crying hysterically and wishing I was dead and go back on forth like that for hours. I feel like I am completely out of my mind. Even my psychiatrist doesn't know what to do for me. I don't know where to get help. My parents are not rich and are in debt. I don't know what to do. I am ready to do anything to get rid of this.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • December 10, 2006
    • 11:34 AM
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  • Okay! The main disorder you have is the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder with intrusive thoguhts, persistent thoughts, thoughts you can't stop and so forth. The other disorders you have seem to come from this. The social anxieties, worrying about being a good daughter, mixed feelings about sex, job worries, and so forth are the same type of thoughts and feelings that normal people have, yours are just supercharged and magnified by the OCD and so instead of just being passing thoughts they go around in your head a million times. If I were you, I'd stop all the psychiatric drugs. You've tried like every one and none seem to work for you. Who knows, they might be making things worse? I know this is a "mental health" forum but ... your problem seems so completely all-inclusive and ingrained in the very habits of your mentation style that it seems beyond just a "brain thing" or a "disorder." Its like attacking your very will to live and will to live a life. I think you should consider spiritual-based solutions ... I can't see juggling meds or having docs list out ten different sub-disorders as being very helpful. This problem you have is about being able to start and stop given trains of thought, basically it is about the consciousness which is supposed to control the thoughts, so it is not even a problem of thinking wrong, primarily, but one of a consciousness that is impaired somehow. I also think you need strong, good, people to associate with ... its like your soul is all out of whack and you need people in your social sphere you can vibe with and maybe gradually re-align yourself from their examples. I have known people with similiar problems and one major thing that happens is everyone they know gets overhwhelmed by their disorder's manifestations and kind of feeds into it, in a way. Their family either pushes their buttons or caters to them, or both, but rarely treats them like a normal person who has hopes and dreams and concerns. You need some people who will treat you like a normal person
    Non Servium 85 Replies
    • December 11, 2006
    • 01:35 PM
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  • Thanks for replying (I finally was able to register a name). Sorry my post was so long. I just started and didn't stop and the bad thing is, all I wrote is only a dent in everything. It's a corny comparison, but I often compare my mind to a never ending NASCAR event. It just never stops running. I try to sleep and it's all right there. It never, ever goes away. I think mental healthcare is a disgrace. I am given a therapist and she is supposed to be someone you can talk to and trust and they just send you to the hospital. I know it's only for my safety, but I have lost trust in everyone now. And voluntary committment is the biggest lie I have ever heard of. When I went into the hospital if I had not signed myself in, they would have sent me to a crisis center where more than likely I would have been involunatrily committed. They force you to do stuff you do not want to do. It's horrible. I can't believe how nasty mental health professionals can be. I still think that when I went on Wellbutrin, it did something. I know as soon as I went on it, I finally figured out how I would commit suicide if it ever came down to it. Going off the Effexor and having the side effects it causes is truly awful. No one should have to go through something like that. It's almost like going off an actual illegal drug. I truly felt worse at the hospital than if I had been allowed to stay home. I would love nothing more than to not be on meds. I am a wreck whether I am on them or not. "I know this is a "mental health" forum but ... your problem seems so completely all-inclusive and ingrained in the very habits of your mentation style that it seems beyond just a "brain thing" or a "disorder." I'm sorry, but you can explain that a little better? I think I know what you are getting at, but I'm not sure. It's hard to find good people where I live. Because of the mentality of people who like to listen to Hollywood, no one wants to be associated with someone like me. They just assume that because I am mentally ill, I am a psychotic homicidal maniac. People beg me to open up and talk to them and when I finally do, I never hear from them again. And that makes me feel even worse about myself. And there are just some things I would rather die than ever tell to someone, but they just eat at me and I want to tell someone so bad, but I am far too embarrassed. I just do not understand how one can be obsessively worried over something and a few months later do a complete 180 and suddenly desire these things to the point of actually planning to make it happen.
    MMMMForbiddenDonut 14 Replies
    • December 12, 2006
    • 05:42 AM
    • 0
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  • That's a funny name! You've "Triggered" me to want a donut. Mental health establishment is indeed a disgrace. Just don't consult with the establishment or accept drugs if you don't want to. If they threaten to cut off benefits or whatever then that is a small price to pay. Deny them information and just tell them you're perfectly sane. If they still mess with you, get a pocket tape recorder and get them to say something offensive to you. If you want these types off your back forever, you will have to play savvy and use good tactics, no temper tantrums in front of them etc. If you have friends or family that "rat you out," well ... I wouldn't tolerate that crap. "I know this is a "mental health" forum but ... your problem seems so completely all-inclusive and ingrained in the very habits of your mentation style that it seems beyond just a "brain thing" or a "disorder." I'm sorry, but you can explain that a little better? I think I know what you are getting at, but I'm not sure. By "not a brain thing" I mean that I don't think your problem is caused by any mechanical or chemical malfunction of your brain, any physical problems in your brain are probably reflective of the problem, not causative of the problem. By "not a disorder" I mean your problem is beyond a thought or "mentation" problem, and therefore is beyond a "mental" illness. Your thoughts, by and large, are normal, they just refuse to stop repeating themselves, and are of exceptional intensity. Basically, your thoughts are not under control. Thoughts cannot be controlled by other thoughts, Thought is logically only controlled by something that is higher than thought - "abstract" things like Will and Consciousness which are beyond the pale of "thought-ology"/"psyche-ology" and which are basically in the realm of philosophy, metaphysics, or spirituality. Sorry I did not clearify that the first time, I just didn't want to wax too philosophical on the mental health forum. I generally try not to "preach" my non-psychology beliefs on here. If you'd like to e-mail me, I'm at Teamnorm@aol.com (don't be afraid), in e-mail I can chat about a wider range of stuff than on the health forum. I knew a girl who was on Effexor about ten years ago. Yeah, that stuff is crappy, she had all kinds of side effects and it didn't have any compensatory benefit. People beg me to open up and talk to them and when I finally do, I never hear from them again. Well talking things out is highly overrated as a means of therapy, its more to satisfy the voyeuristic emotional perversion of "professionals" by having you dissect yourself for them. Like you say, it is only a stupid hollywood style age of society that would elevate talking and writing above doing and being, and above creating a healthy environment to exist in.
    Non Servium 85 Replies
    • December 12, 2006
    • 09:04 AM
    • 0
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  • my name is hannah,i have had a tough life with selfish & mean people around me,sometimes i fell as if im worthless,& do not belong to tis world,feel like dying,i get thesedepression attacks thrice or more than that a month,just feel like crying have pity myself,i just dont know why people lie about everything,i keep on thinking about my past relations 7 experiences,which had been awful,cant forget even if i try to..what shall i do?plz help
    hanarehman 1 Replies
    • December 12, 2006
    • 10:52 AM
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  • That's a funny name! You've "Triggered" me to want a donut. Thanks! I am a huge Simpsons fan. :) By "not a brain thing" I mean that I don't think your problem is caused by any mechanical or chemical malfunction of your brain, any physical problems in your brain are probably reflective of the problem, not causative of the problem. By "not a disorder" I mean your problem is beyond a thought or "mentation" problem, and therefore is beyond a "mental" illness. Your thoughts, by and large, are normal, they just refuse to stop repeating themselves, and are of exceptional intensity. Basically, your thoughts are not under control. Thoughts cannot be controlled by other thoughts, Thought is logically only controlled by something that is higher than thought - "abstract" things like Will and Consciousness which are beyond the pale of "thought-ology"/"psyche-ology" and which are basically in the realm of philosophy, metaphysics, or spirituality. Sorry I did not clearify that the first time, I just didn't want to wax too philosophical on the mental health forum. I generally try not to "preach" my non-psychology beliefs on here. If you'd like to e-mail me, I'm at Teamnorm@aol.com (don't be afraid), in e-mail I can chat about a wider range of stuff than on the health forum. I knew a girl who was on Effexor about ten years ago. Yeah, that stuff is crappy, she had all kinds of side effects and it didn't have any compensatory benefit. Thank you for explaining that. My email address is pickums1223@aol.com. I just cannot get through to anyone, even doctors, that no matter what I do, the thoughts will not go away. They are there constantly. It gets tiring trying to get through to a medically trained professional. I honestly wish I could believe my thoughts are normal, but I can't think of any other way to describe them but "completely and utterly insane". I just do not see myself as normal. I just can't imagine the thoughts in my head as being normal. No one wants the things I desire and if they do, God bless them, I would love to meet them. And I think the thing that bothers me the most is I don't know why I want these things. And the thing that is starting to scare me is, I attempted to go off Seroquel the other day and I could not sleep at all. One time over the summer, I went off the Seroquel for two days and by the end of the second day, I was in so much physical pain, I was sick to my stomach, and I could not stop crying. When I went off the Effexor last October, it was about 500 times worse than the first time I went off of it (of course, the first time I went off of it, I tapered off of it) and I made the mistake of going off of it in the middle of the fall semester. It was a god awful experience. I couldn't stop crying, my whole body got shocked everytime I moved my head, I had the brain zaps, I would be freezing cold and I would put a jacket on and in no time I would be soaked, I had no patience. It was horrible. I often wonder if that is what really sent me downhill or if maybe it was the Wellbutrin, which I started about a month after I went off the Effexor. And going into the hospital did not help one bit. I mean, if it did, would I still be in the position I am in now? And I have to constantly use that anytime someone threatens to take me back to the hospital. I am also convinced that having a been on so many drugs, I am going senile. I am very forgetful anymore. And then yesterday, I was having a relatively good day and I went to Best Buy with family and while I was waiting, I sat on a bottom shelf and a worker came by and asked me not to sit on it. And I burst into tears. I don't know why. I felt completely silly crying over it, but I felt like a real a**. I can't stand that I am so sensitive. I take everything so personally. And my mom and my sister were like, "why are you so upset? He was real nice about it". It's completely uncontrollable. Well talking things out is highly overrated as a means of therapy, its more to satisfy the voyeuristic emotional perversion of "professionals" by having you dissect yourself for them. I never understand why everyone tells me that if I talk about it, I will feel better. I never feel better, though. I can say what is bothering me, but it will still be there to torment me. Like this whole thing with the guy I mentioned in my first post. It bothers me day and night. Everytime I look at pictures of him, my heart breaks and I start to cry and cannot stop. It happened nearly a decade and a half ago. I do not even know him. Why does it bother me so much? I really do not know. Like you say, it is only a stupid hollywood style age of society that would elevate talking and writing above doing and being, and above creating a healthy environment to exist in. Ugh. Hollywood knows nothing.
    MMMMForbiddenDonut 14 Replies
    • December 13, 2006
    • 08:35 AM
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