Ok, my story is pretty unusual. I've been married to a wonderful, loving woman for 3 years. We've been together for 8. I love her with all of my heart, and I would never do anything to hurt her intentionally. I had a horrible episode a while back. I was a mostly daily marijuana smoker. I also had periodic insomnia episodes. I had a 4 day weekend, so I decided to research a lot of stuff on the internet. I vaporized some marijuana on the first night, researched a lot of conspiracy theory websites. I ended up being awake for 3 nights straight. In the course of researching these things, I became completely paranoid that the government was coming to kill my wife and I. I convinced her that we needed to "bug out". I kept acting paranoid, really in fear of our lives. She kept trying to calm me down. This went on for several hours. I convinced her that we needed to leave the house, so we drove around aimlessly for a good while. After the paranoid feelings would ramp up, she would calm me down some, but the paranoia just kept escalating. She stopped at a convenience store to get some sleeping pills for me. I took them.
Eventually I was able to go to sleep for what felt like a few minutes. I awakened on the road with her driving, and I heard what felt like the voice of God in my head. I had never been religious before this. He was telling me things like the end of times was near, and I began feeling like I was Chr i st, because who else would God talk to. This went on for an hour or two. I fell back asleep. The next thing I remember was a voice saying Stab her Stab her Stab her. I love my wife so very much, I tried to fight it, but I couldn't. It felt like a demonic possession. I stabbed her in the chest, but it wasn't my own strength, it was as if my arm was completely controlled by a demon. Thank God she survived. She pulled the car over, and got away, and was able to get some help from other people. I got out of the car, and was extremely confused. I realized again that I had stabbed her, and was very sad/confused. I tried to step in front of traffic, but the good people that stopped to help her, stopped the truck from hitting me. I was tackled eventually by someone, and was arrested. While in jail, I started having hallucinations of demons floating around, smoke coming from the ceiling, smoke rising from the floor. Horrible things. I thought I was in Hades already because I thought I had killed my wife.
Eventually they gave me some Zyprexa, and the feelings finally subsided, and I came back down to "normal" even though I felt mentally fuzzy for a week or so afterward. Then They took me off meds altogether. I found Chr i st in jail, and am now a Born-again Christian. I had a forensic evaluation to prove my mental state in jail(preparing for a trial), and he came up with paranoid depression. I have never even once before in my life been violent. I love my wife so much, and thank the Lord, she still loves me. I am 38 years old, 100 pounds overweight, and have been depressed for about a year or so. I had never received any treatment for my depression, foolishly. During my wife's testimony to the psychiatrist she said that right before I stabbed her I yelled Satan. I don't remember that. I feel like I was truly possessed, but is there a physical/mental diagnosis that could cause these sorts of horrible violent things/hallucinations/auditory hallucinations? Paranoid depression doesn't seem to fit the bill.
I am out in the world due to a plea deal, my wife and I dearly want to get back together and work it out if possible, but I am in a no contact order with her for a year. I welcome it mostly, because I want her to be able to feel safe with me again. I have not exhibited any symptoms even close to the ones I had before/during. I do have difficulty concentrating, and quite a bit of short-term memory loss. Is there any other possible diagnoses? I've read up a lot on the subjects that I could, and have found that a lot of what I am/did experience was similar to schizophrenia. I have had a low drive, low motivation, very lazy as well. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I just want to be able to be back in a healthy relationship with my wife, and make sure that nothing even close to this can ever happen again.
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