Ok, so heres my short story of what bothers me. Since Jr High I have had an issue with what I want to do, who I am and what do I like. These 3 things have and are still constantly changing. I changed my appearance in Jr High from stereotypes such as hippy(long hair, circular glass, etc) to biker(leather jacket, tshirt and bandana with jeans) to wanna-be gangster and then to goth to I have no idea where to place myslef now. During High School I quickly noticed my ability to get myself out of situations or one might call it deceit or bluntly lie.
I, also, noticed a few other things like how I could not make up my mind about what I wanted to do after High School. It would constantly change from psychologist to vet. to a teacher to whatever caught my interest. Another thing I caught onto was an issue I have with my sexuality and realtionships. I had this urge about sex that was/is always on my mind and I never liked just one girl but several at once and when I broke-up with a gf for some dumb reason, if I had 1, I would dislike them strongly. That also has happened alot. I dont have a really good or best friend because when I get close to someone I find something I dont like and realize it now but I hate them for.
After High School and going through that rebelious stage I moved out on my own and into a world I didnt and still dont quite get. I sarted drinking between 8th and freshman year and smoking between freshman and sophomore year. While on my own and living with 3 roommates drinking became a problem. Not a daily problem but a all-at-once problem till my 1st MIC. Then I moved out and into an old buddys place and turned myself in to the psych. ward to talk to a good doctor but alas it was close down and they called the police and I stayed the night in jail and went to treatment, the wrong kind of help I went looking for. I have always been easily persuaded into things and in treatment I was now the Alcoholic Neglected MrBeeba. There I went to 1 psychiatrist, Dr2 we will call him, and he said I have depression and GAD. Like everything else I do I lost interest till my mom told she had a diagnosis for me after 20 years of knowing me she said BPD. The psychologist I saw before treatment only saw me like 3 or 4 times before I lost interest.
I also have problems holding onto money and will randomly go buy movies(im up to about 1000 and some). now what am I missing......I know I do have Depression and Anxiety and a drinking problem but I feel that they dont cover the problems that really drive me crazy like why I cant have a good, lasting relationship and why I cant plan ahead or deal with money. And my anger issue, theres another fun one. I took a anger evaluation score test thing in treatment and average was like 100-150 or something like that and I scored 300 something. And then theres the constant suicide thoughts, not actions but thoughts, I can walk in a room and instantly think and plan about a dozen of ways to do and I dont know why?! I wont do it but that thought is scary and there.
I came on here because it seems there are a variety of people with a variety different illnesses that can help. Dr.2 told me when I mentioned BPD that I had to be careful because Personality Disorders have a social stigma and like I told him I will say here. I dont care what diagnosis you throw at me I just want to feel placed and knwo that eventually there is something I can do about it if it starts hard and that there are others like me. Plz give me feed back, whats on your mind? And yes I know BPD normally affects females but I think its like 1% of those 2% of adults with BPD are males the rest are females I do believe? IDK but non-the-less..... HELP!
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