Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

my bdd ***l that just seems to be getting worse

Posted In: Mental conditions 1 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • May 23, 2007
  • 09:35 AM

about 7 years ago i was the most confident person around i would go anywhere talk to anyone and be very happy with what a saw in the mirror, and very slowly over the years little problems have started to happen like i started taking more time getting ready and feeling that i had to change little things on my face, but i still was a fairly confident person untill one night around 5 years ago i was beaten up in a night club and had a cut on the bridge of my nose, after a few weeks the cut heeled and i thought i would be back to normal.... how wrong i was.
when doing things like going into the town centre i had bad anxiety attacks where i was sure people was stairing and laughing at me and i didnt know why, but the anxiety attacks then calmed down but i still used to make excuses to friends so i didnt have to go out socializing which was not like the old me.
so i decided to move away to start a fresh somewhere else and then i would be fine and happy but just weeks after moving i started to notice how my eyebrows was very thick and looked weird but i had never noticed this problem before so i spent hours and hours in the mirror trying to adjust my eyebrows so they looked normal, i would cut them with scissors and pluck them and on days where i thought they looked to light i would use my mums makeup to make them look darker just so i could leave the house and feel normal.
after a few months of being obsessed with my eyebrows i started noticing that i had horrible black marks under my eyes so i had to get makeup to cover up the marks so i could leave the house, by this time when i did go out i was so shy and unsociable i had to get very drunk to slighty enjoy myself.
i thought the only way to beat this problem i have with myself was to work with the public where i would face my fears and beat it again was a really bad decision, i worked at a local gym where i would see the public all my shift, so as the weeks went on i was trying to cover up the faults on my face while going to work suffering anxiety when walking past people and while a customer was talking to me all i was thinking is they must think i look so weird and if they didnt look me in the eyes it was because i look like a freek.
so after years of my face becoming worse and worse and more faults appearing on my face like i had blue eyes and they look weird so i bought brown contacts so i could look normal and started noticing my forehead was very big and weird, and my mouth was strangly shaped and as the time went on i have noticed alot more really freeky looking features on my face,i have seen dermatologists because i saw red marks above my eyeborws.
about 10 months ago i decided that i had to get some help because i was feeling more and more anxiety at work and there was too many freeky looking features on my face to cover up and when walking the street i would walk through stinging nettles rather than let people see my face.
so i went to my local doctor and said how i was feeling and how much of a freek i looked and was given fluoxetine (anti depressents) and singed off work for a week, since i have had cognitive behaviour therapy once a month for the last 10 months in which time i have got to the point where i cant leave the house because its to hard to let people see how much of a freek i look and i am still signed off work and on a big dose of fluoxetine which i feel only makes me tied.it feels like i have hit a brick wall and theres no way back how can i see this freek in the mirror and see everyone stairing at me if its not true. my advice to anyone who is starting to feel that there is a part of them thats not right to get help before its too late, i wish that i got some help from the beginning before it went too far. thank you for reading my story. michael

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  • Hey Michael,I understand a 100%!I don't know how old you are but I'm 19.My BDD started very mildly and got worse with time.The worst feeling is that people who don't have it don't understand and they get iritated by us.Well I can understand why because I can see how rediculous my thoughts and rituals are,but I can't escape them.Some days are a bit better than others though.But there is almost never a minute that goes by that these thoughts aren't in my head.It feels so hard to explain to people because it looks vain and it makes me feel feminine.There are so many things that I have to do in order to make me feel a little better,it drives me mad!If I don't do something then something is might happen and so on.I so badly just want to lead a normal life!I just wish people could see that we're not attention seekers,there is something wrong,and we know it too but we are trapped in this bubble filled with pain and depression.everytime I get my head up and feel like I'm moving on,something kicks me down.All my friends are at uni making something of their lives,and I fear that if this continues I don't know what's gonna happen.Take care Enriko
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