For a while, I thought of murder. In my right mind I'd never do such a thing, but I found it's hard to trust my mind.
Is it normal for someone to think this way? To actually think of killing someone?
There has been times where people bullied me, shunned me, avoided me... hurt like ***l.
Some other symptoms and past symptoms I guess:
+Hyper. Very, very hyper around people who "accept" me.
+Depression--the feeling of "I'm not worth it".
+Anxiety (few panic attacks).
+Very suspicious and fearful (as in I don't trust anyone and constantly think people have something against me). But there is a counterpart to me that wants to do everything this world has to offer (well, not everything, but you get my point).
+Fearful of most men. (long story...)
+Constant longing for attention.
Well, I have a history of depression and anxiety. I am 18 years old with Graves' Disease (diagnosed at 13). The depression and anxiety were symptoms of it when my doses of thyroxine or whatever they give me were high or low.
I have been hospitalized for suicidal behavior twice and went through months of therapy. Possibly a few years. Started when I was 15.
But this is the thing that keeps me from doing what I want to do. Like kayaking, loving someone, living a life of adventure in a positive way... I wanted to join the Coast Guard, but I'm permanently disqualified because I attempted suicide. It was devastating... I love ships. Wanted to be a ship captain since the 8th grade...
It's hard to get an appointment with my doctor because they always think it's Graves' Disease. But what if it isn't? My thyroid hormone level is normal with the pills (had my thyroid nuked when they diagnosed it).
Help? I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place...