Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Murder thoughts. Insane?

Posted In: Mental conditions 4 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • July 28, 2008
  • 00:54 AM

For a while, I thought of murder. In my right mind I'd never do such a thing, but I found it's hard to trust my mind.

Is it normal for someone to think this way? To actually think of killing someone?

There has been times where people bullied me, shunned me, avoided me... hurt like ***l.

Some other symptoms and past symptoms I guess:

+Hyper. Very, very hyper around people who "accept" me.
+Depression--the feeling of "I'm not worth it".
+Anxiety (few panic attacks).
+Very suspicious and fearful (as in I don't trust anyone and constantly think people have something against me). But there is a counterpart to me that wants to do everything this world has to offer (well, not everything, but you get my point).
+Fearful of most men. (long story...)
+Constant longing for attention.

Well, I have a history of depression and anxiety. I am 18 years old with Graves' Disease (diagnosed at 13). The depression and anxiety were symptoms of it when my doses of thyroxine or whatever they give me were high or low.

I have been hospitalized for suicidal behavior twice and went through months of therapy. Possibly a few years. Started when I was 15.

But this is the thing that keeps me from doing what I want to do. Like kayaking, loving someone, living a life of adventure in a positive way... I wanted to join the Coast Guard, but I'm permanently disqualified because I attempted suicide. It was devastating... I love ships. Wanted to be a ship captain since the 8th grade...

It's hard to get an appointment with my doctor because they always think it's Graves' Disease. But what if it isn't? My thyroid hormone level is normal with the pills (had my thyroid nuked when they diagnosed it).

Help? I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place...

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4 Replies:

  • I am sorry to hear that you have been having such a hard time. I do think that your thyroid condition could be playing a part. Google the symtoms. Of all things, the key is to keep talking. Don't keep it in. There are people who care and who want to help you. Be it family, friends, doctors, priests. Keep talking until you get your answers and until you get the help you need.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Most of us have such thoughts occasionally, if we are honest enough with ourselves to admit it, but, fortunately, few actually follow through with it. This is an excerpt from page R, of section 2, at ezy build: view that, and the rest of the section. (1.) Take 4 Omega 3 fish oil supplements, daily: (certified free of mercury) it is best if consumed with an antioxidant, such as an orange, or grapefruit, or their FRESHLY SQUEEZED juice. If vitamin E is added, it should be certified as being 100% from natural sources, or it may be synthetic: avoid it. Also take a vitamin B complex which is certified as being 100% of natural origin; a deficiency in vitamin B9 (folic acid, or folate) is known to cause depression. Around 30% - 40% of depressed people have low vitamin B12 levels. Depressed females using the contraceptive pill may benefit from vitamin B6 supplements. (2.) Work up slowly to at least 20 minutes minutes of exercise, daily, or 30 - 60 mns, 5 times weekly. Too much exercise can cause stress, which isn't wanted when dealing with depression. (3.) Occupational therapy (keeping busy allows little time for unproductive introspection, and keeps mental activity out of less desirable areas of the brain). (4.) Use daily, one of the relaxation methods in sections 2, 2.c, 2.i, or 11, and/or yoga, Tai Chi, and/or the EFT, in sections 2.q, 2.o, and section 53, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris whichever works best for you. (5.) Initially, at least, some form of counselling, preferably either Cognitive Behavio(u)ral Therapy, or Rational Emotive Behavio(u)ral Therapy. (6.) Maintain a mood chart, and daily activities schedule, as per page R, in section 2, at ezy build. (7.) As options, if desired, either a known, effective herbal remedy, such as St. John's wort, (the strength varies, but the supplier should be using a standardised hypericin content, so follow the directions) or supplements, such as SAMe, or Inositol (from vitamin and health food stores, some supermarkets, or mail order: view section 55). ANGER MANAGEMENT: If you can't deal with it by using one of the techniques, such as counting backwards from 20, to 1, (and prevent yourself from making yourself angry, in the first place) is important to express that anger appropriately, at the time, and to the person who caused it, if possible, or immediately afterwards. If not, maybe by walking away later, and bellowing your rage and/or frustration. In some situations, such as work, or school, it might be better to cover your mouth with a cupped hand, bandanna/handkerchief, or use the crook of your elbow, to muffle the sound. Some people find that it helps to journal those thoughts, and emotions soon afterwards. Anger, which is repressed, rather than healthily expressed, tends to fester, and later may cause explosive fits of rage, or depression. It helps to have someone you can talk to. For more physically inclined people, a punching bag, or hitting your pillow, can be an effective release mechanism: visualise, as vividly as you can, that you are striking back at the cause of that anger. "But next time, when you get mad, just remember this quote: 'Those who anger you, conquer you.' It's basically saying that when you give someone the power to make you mad, or let it get to you, it's like they're controlling you. When I realized that, it made me mad, so I try to control my anger and not let people see it. You can still control your anger without being walked all over. You just have to draw a line." Try saying to yourself, in your mind: "I am fire! I am ice!". Repeat for as long as it takes for you to calm down sufficiently. Anger management is addressed in much more detail than can be included here, in section 4, at ezy-build Self esteem/confidence are addressed in section 38, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris Volunteer, even from home, at first, to provide a solid basis in reality for the daily affirmations: "I am a good person, who is valued by my community, because I.. (insert activity here)..". Section 47 refers. On volunteering outside the home, you will come into contact with supportive people, and receive positive feedback for your efforts, which will be obviously appreciated: there are many options; one is sure to suit you. Practise one of the relaxation methods on pages 2, 11, 2c, or 2i, daily, and when needed. Also, give the EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you . Section 53, and pages 2, 2.q and 2.o at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris also refer. "Even though I sometimes have low self esteem/self confidence, I deeply and completely accept myself". Read: "Lift your mood now." by John D Preston, Psy.D. 2001, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 5674 Shattuck Avenue, Oakland. CA 94609 http://www.amazon.com/ may be worth trying for this, because it approaches the building of self esteem using a different, but equally valid method. As one insightful (paraphrasing poetically) person put it: an affirmation, without foundation is just mental masturbation. Bullying is addressed in section 37, at ezy build, and I strongly advise you to seek Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, ASAP. I know little of matters medical, so can't help with Graves disease: try Yahoo!Answers: Science .> Medicine
    shaneris 46 Replies Flag this Response
  • I doubt you're insane. I had/have the same thing. School is what brings it on for me. The kids never leave me alone, so I get irritated and eventually start thinking up some VERY sadistic things I could do to them... But it sounds a bit like you might have BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder... I was looking it up on this site earlier, and a good bit of your symptoms match it. Looking up the symptoms will help you greatly.
    depression.my.killer 11 Replies Flag this Response
  • Thank you everyone for your words. It really means a lot.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • August 11, 2008
    • 05:58 PM
    • 0
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