I have a long history of depression.
I've been through a lot, and my symptoms just seem to keep evolving the more I try and fight this.
It's only last week that I realized that a few of the thoughts I have might not be... normal.
Fighting this tooth and nail, I moved to a warmer climate where I can be around the sun, and it's helped a little. I'm able to get a part time job.
My mood is still all over the place. One minute, I'm okay.. the next, I'm rock bottom.
But because I'm fighting this, I'm starting to understand what isn't right and what is.
When I get very depressed, I begin "looping" as I call it.
I repeat the same actions over and over- weither it it rubbing my arm, chopping a piece of something smaller or smaller, or even twitching, and I just can't bring myself to speak or move from that place.
Bad thoughts loop in my head... suicidal, unhappy thoughts.
As I've been previously diagnosed with depression and ptsd, I realize that some of the things I've experienced are contributed to that.
Some things that I just realized I've always had, but never occurred to me sparked up last week.
I have.. interesting thoughts. When I think about it, I realize they're not real. They sound nuts. But when they happen, they're real.
I believe I have 'powers'. When something happens.. I made it happen.
For the longest time, I believed I could feel other people's emotions.. and managed to convince others of it too.
But what if that was just a delusion? It doesn't work anymore, so now I'm starting to doubt it.
One night, when I wanted to die, and I had made a suicide plan, I was awoken by voices. Mind you, I've never, ever had hallucinations in my life.
The voices belonged to "messengers of god" (I was very anti-religion at the time) and with their voices came a feeling of euphoria. They basically told me that I would be okay and I would not kill myself the month I planned, and to have hope. When the voices faded away, I was confused and very upset. I truly believed I would kill myself that month, voices or not, but the month slipped by very quickly, and I still find myself here today..
My memory has been very bad lately, and I am having extreme learning difficulties. I can not concentrate. Sometimes I become very confused, if only for a few seconds, as to where I am. But this is rare.
I do not hear voices (other than that one time) but I realize my head is working against me. My brain tells me all sorts of things that I disagree with, and sometimes it's easier to just listen to it, because it's so much louder than my reasoning sometimes.
Like people are always watching me.. people are going to jump me if I'm not careful (mind you, someone did attack my group once), everyone is thinking bad thoughts about me. People hate me. It doesn't matter how much you tell me you love me, or how many good things you do for me, I will always believe you are out to hurt me or secretly hate me.
I realize that it's not true, but only sometimes..
I've been having weird problems with my speech after trying this drug called Seroquel (which I've since been off of) similar to dyslexia.
I mix around words in sentences, I mix around letters in words, heck, I even substitute words I wasn't thinking of in the place of others!
It has really been bothering me because it was never like this before.
My doctor has had me on more than a dozen different medications for depression but they have all either stopped working or did nothing for me at all. We ran out of ones to try!
Very few did anything, and if they did, they stopped within days to weeks.
My doctor tells me I get an immunity to them (they never work again afterwards, sigh) so I don't know what to do.
Therapy seems to make things much worse, and I become more withdrawn, unable to talk to people and very upset if I withgo therapy, but I become better if I talk it out with close people I know.
I no longer have flashbacks from my ptsd, I've been working on getting over things and I'm much better than I used to be.
Sometimes, I can only sleep off my mood if I get sad.
The sadness is overwhelming- I neglect myself, I don't bathe, I don't eat right.. I was addicted to cutting, so I stay away from that.
My self esteem is extremely low- I hate myself- I find myself completely ugly and disgusting, and I don't understand how anyone could ever like me- but everyone around me tells me I'm beautiful and they don't understand why I'd think that way.
I've caused my finacee much stress through all my problems but he's stuck with me through it all, and I think that's the only thing keeping me going right now, since medication isn't working for me..
My eating habits are similar to starve myself because I'm ugly one day, and feed myself like crazy to fill in the empty space the next.
Although, I must admit that I am a lot healthier in a strict environment where I am now due to my forcing myself to do things (but it's just so hard to even sit up..)
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I forget what I'm talking about a lot.. even mid sentence.. sometimes I have strange reactions to things.. I laugh uncontrollably at someone's pain when I'm actually feeling very upset and sad for them, and it causes great embaressment..
I start a great number of projects, and barely ever finish them.. I have an extreme lack of motivation to do anything.
There have been times where my emotions just go kaput under extreme stress- and I can literally no longer feel them, which is extremely stressing to my loved one when he wants me to say I love him, but I can't.. I can't feel anything, which makes me rather cold and uncaring.
Thankfully, this only happens when I reach my limit..
There are a lot of times where I just want to jump off a balcony, even if I'm having a great day, and feel good! I just don't understand it...
I would think maybe it has something to do with bipolar disorder as it runs in my family, but I have -never- had extreme energy (or any kind of energy), extreme happiness, or a feeling of invincibility.. and my family exhibits extreme mania..
I am not currently on medication (besides birth control), and I do not drink any alcohol, and the only drugs I rarely take are painkillers such as antihistamines. I rarely even take caffeine! I have limited myself to anything that might affect my mood...
I should stop babbling.. you all have better things to do with your time.. but if anyone has any idea as to what's going on with me..
Like the delusional thoughts.. I don't think those are associated with depression..
Does anyone else have the problem of your body adjusting to medicine so it no longer works?
Brah... I just wish I could have the energy and normal thoughts that other people do.
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