Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

More and more symptoms..

Posted In: Mental conditions 11 Replies
  • Posted By: Darken
  • September 15, 2007
  • 06:53 AM

I have a long history of depression.
I've been through a lot, and my symptoms just seem to keep evolving the more I try and fight this.
It's only last week that I realized that a few of the thoughts I have might not be... normal.
Fighting this tooth and nail, I moved to a warmer climate where I can be around the sun, and it's helped a little. I'm able to get a part time job.
My mood is still all over the place. One minute, I'm okay.. the next, I'm rock bottom.
But because I'm fighting this, I'm starting to understand what isn't right and what is.
When I get very depressed, I begin "looping" as I call it.
I repeat the same actions over and over- weither it it rubbing my arm, chopping a piece of something smaller or smaller, or even twitching, and I just can't bring myself to speak or move from that place.
Bad thoughts loop in my head... suicidal, unhappy thoughts.
As I've been previously diagnosed with depression and ptsd, I realize that some of the things I've experienced are contributed to that.
Some things that I just realized I've always had, but never occurred to me sparked up last week.
I have.. interesting thoughts. When I think about it, I realize they're not real. They sound nuts. But when they happen, they're real.
I believe I have 'powers'. When something happens.. I made it happen.
For the longest time, I believed I could feel other people's emotions.. and managed to convince others of it too.
But what if that was just a delusion? It doesn't work anymore, so now I'm starting to doubt it.
One night, when I wanted to die, and I had made a suicide plan, I was awoken by voices. Mind you, I've never, ever had hallucinations in my life.
The voices belonged to "messengers of god" (I was very anti-religion at the time) and with their voices came a feeling of euphoria. They basically told me that I would be okay and I would not kill myself the month I planned, and to have hope. When the voices faded away, I was confused and very upset. I truly believed I would kill myself that month, voices or not, but the month slipped by very quickly, and I still find myself here today..
My memory has been very bad lately, and I am having extreme learning difficulties. I can not concentrate. Sometimes I become very confused, if only for a few seconds, as to where I am. But this is rare.
I do not hear voices (other than that one time) but I realize my head is working against me. My brain tells me all sorts of things that I disagree with, and sometimes it's easier to just listen to it, because it's so much louder than my reasoning sometimes.
Like people are always watching me.. people are going to jump me if I'm not careful (mind you, someone did attack my group once), everyone is thinking bad thoughts about me. People hate me. It doesn't matter how much you tell me you love me, or how many good things you do for me, I will always believe you are out to hurt me or secretly hate me.
I realize that it's not true, but only sometimes..
I've been having weird problems with my speech after trying this drug called Seroquel (which I've since been off of) similar to dyslexia.
I mix around words in sentences, I mix around letters in words, heck, I even substitute words I wasn't thinking of in the place of others!
It has really been bothering me because it was never like this before.
My doctor has had me on more than a dozen different medications for depression but they have all either stopped working or did nothing for me at all. We ran out of ones to try!
Very few did anything, and if they did, they stopped within days to weeks.
My doctor tells me I get an immunity to them (they never work again afterwards, sigh) so I don't know what to do.
Therapy seems to make things much worse, and I become more withdrawn, unable to talk to people and very upset if I withgo therapy, but I become better if I talk it out with close people I know.
I no longer have flashbacks from my ptsd, I've been working on getting over things and I'm much better than I used to be.
Sometimes, I can only sleep off my mood if I get sad.
The sadness is overwhelming- I neglect myself, I don't bathe, I don't eat right.. I was addicted to cutting, so I stay away from that.
My self esteem is extremely low- I hate myself- I find myself completely ugly and disgusting, and I don't understand how anyone could ever like me- but everyone around me tells me I'm beautiful and they don't understand why I'd think that way.
I've caused my finacee much stress through all my problems but he's stuck with me through it all, and I think that's the only thing keeping me going right now, since medication isn't working for me..
My eating habits are similar to starve myself because I'm ugly one day, and feed myself like crazy to fill in the empty space the next.
Although, I must admit that I am a lot healthier in a strict environment where I am now due to my forcing myself to do things (but it's just so hard to even sit up..)
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I forget what I'm talking about a lot.. even mid sentence.. sometimes I have strange reactions to things.. I laugh uncontrollably at someone's pain when I'm actually feeling very upset and sad for them, and it causes great embaressment..
I start a great number of projects, and barely ever finish them.. I have an extreme lack of motivation to do anything.
There have been times where my emotions just go kaput under extreme stress- and I can literally no longer feel them, which is extremely stressing to my loved one when he wants me to say I love him, but I can't.. I can't feel anything, which makes me rather cold and uncaring.
Thankfully, this only happens when I reach my limit..
There are a lot of times where I just want to jump off a balcony, even if I'm having a great day, and feel good! I just don't understand it...
I would think maybe it has something to do with bipolar disorder as it runs in my family, but I have -never- had extreme energy (or any kind of energy), extreme happiness, or a feeling of invincibility.. and my family exhibits extreme mania..

I am not currently on medication (besides birth control), and I do not drink any alcohol, and the only drugs I rarely take are painkillers such as antihistamines. I rarely even take caffeine! I have limited myself to anything that might affect my mood...

I should stop babbling.. you all have better things to do with your time.. but if anyone has any idea as to what's going on with me..
Like the delusional thoughts.. I don't think those are associated with depression..
Does anyone else have the problem of your body adjusting to medicine so it no longer works?
Brah... I just wish I could have the energy and normal thoughts that other people do.

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11 Replies:

  • Something weird happened a few days ago...My boyfriend suddenly thanked me for pointing out a pedestrian while we were driving that he didn't notice, only... I have no idea what he was talking about.Suddenly, I realized I have no recollection of what I'd been doing or thinking for the past five something minutes.. it was a complete blank...It was very scary, this hasn't happened to me before...Doesn't anyone have any sort of idea of what might be happening to me?I'm just hoping that someone might have an idea..
    Darken 9 Replies
    • September 28, 2007
    • 06:20 PM
    • 0
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  • I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV , but I am bi polar and i believe you may be too. The mood swings , delusions , starting projects and then losing interest , feeling in control one day and out of control the next , trying to gain control by starving yourself then losing control by consoling yourself with food, feeling ugly , unworthy of being loved. All those are symptoms I am all too familiar with. I have lived with this for years and it is a tough road without help. Especially if you are at the stage of cutting and/or suicide thoughts. You need to tell someone (your doctor, fiance, parent, sibling , Pastor , close friend ) what you have written here. No one here can help you in the way that you need help. :o Honey , you are ready to reach out , you know something is wrong and you want to feel normal again. If the people that are suppose to be helping you are not, then voice this to someone you trust and go somewhere else. A new doctor, trying new therapy. If group therapy doesn't work (didn't for me in the early years) then tell them that. Take that first step to talk to people and speak up for yourself. If you just keep telling them that everything is ok, they will never know the chaos that is going on inside you. Hope to hear good things from you in the future. Good Luck.
    harleybear 8 Replies
    • October 1, 2007
    • 06:59 PM
    • 0
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  • Thank you.. it really helped me to hear from someone.Bipolar runs through my family, but I never suspected I might actuallyhave it because I don't have the extreme or even "up" at all usually symptoms. The doctor also didn't think I had it, but I never realized Ihad delusional symptoms until now.Medication doesn't work on me, my body gains an immunity to it over the course of a few weeks and it never works again.I really don't want to seek a doctor, and yet I do. I'll try to push myselfaround to getting to see one and possibly checking to see if I have this.Thank you very much, maybe this will be helpful. <3
    Darken 9 Replies
    • October 3, 2007
    • 07:35 AM
    • 0
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  • You could have bipolar II. Careful you don't fall into the trap of thinking you're not like the rest of them therefore you're not bipolar. Everyone is different and have different symptoms. Have you seen a psychiatrist? You could also ask your doctor about going on mood stabilisers rather than anti-depressants. They might have more effect. Good luck xxx
    Critical_Violet 4 Replies
    • October 3, 2007
    • 00:23 PM
    • 0
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  • Hmm, yes, you're right, everyone does have different symptoms.I just figured since everyone in my family has extreme mania symptoms (such as high energy and feelings of grandeur)and recently I only discovered I exhibit the delusional symptoms, that I couldn'tpossibly have it. I should look into this though.I've seen two psychiatrists, I've been actively trying to treat this thing but a countless different anti-depressants (and even the medication my mom was on) proved that they all stop working within a period of time for me, unfortunately.According to one I had depression and PTSD, and according to the other.. well, I actually can't remember what the other said.My doctor stopped giving me medications to try because we literally ran out of choices, but I could try the mood stabilizers.Thank you so much for your input, I'll see if that's what is going on.
    Darken 9 Replies
    • October 3, 2007
    • 06:32 PM
    • 0
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  • I just wanted to update and post to say Thank you. I looked into Bipolar II and brought it up with my doctor. He started me on mood stabilizers and sleeping pills and I am doing very well. I have energy again, I'm happy, my mood stays fine, my health is shining. My memory has improved greatly and things are just great!!! Thank you very much for your suggestions, I couldn't have gotten better without your help and I am very much grateful.
    Darken 9 Replies
    • January 19, 2008
    • 08:31 PM
    • 0
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  • Hi Darken,I am glad you are feeling better. There is one thing I want to throw out, just in case it applies to you. There's sort of a rare disease out there called Hashimoto's Encephalopathy that most psychiatrists don't know about yet and wouldn't know to check for. It is a rare complication of autoimmune thyroiditis and can cause symptoms similar to yours. Many patients who have it will have completely normal thyroid hormone levels, yet their thyroid antibodies are elevated...This may not apply to you at all, but I thought I'd throw it out there since thyroid conditions are sometimes mistaken for bipolar, and you have two risk factors for autoimmune thyroiditis: birth control use and possible PTSD (PTSD is a risk factor for autoimmune disease).It sounds like you have everything under control, though. I am happy you are feeling better.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • February 1, 2008
    • 06:57 AM
    • 0
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  • Just so you know that many of the symptoms you experienced came from the fact that you weren't sleeping well. Thought this would help so you can have a good understanding of what happened. Most people think having a sleep problem can only cause drowsiness, which isn't the case at all- it can cause numerous symptoms from mental/emotional to physical. For a good place to look at comprehensive information on sleep deprivation see this site :http://sleepinfohelp.blogspot.comThis site also has many medical references as well.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • February 4, 2008
    • 00:57 AM
    • 0
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  • Thank you for your insight, William 445. I do have the Bipolar but I also suspected sleeping problems, as a small number of symptoms remained. ( But my mood is stable! :D ) I've been taking sleeping pills once in awhile, and they did help, but they made me sick so I had to stop taking them. I'll check out your website.
    Darken 9 Replies
    • February 16, 2008
    • 08:43 PM
    • 0
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  • Bipolar turned out to be an incorrect diagnosis, once again.I quickly got worse after I last posted and completely forgot I once posted here.I have finally received my final diagnosis and I have been seeing continual progress ever since I got diagnosed andstarted therapy. I won't even need medication in a few years.I hope that anyone who is having any trouble with a correct diagnosis, no matter what it is, continues to ask the questions when something doesn't seem right. Follow your gut instinct and keep asking those questions. The questions I should have asked earlier on turned out to be the most important ones.They were brushed off by everyone I told I was concerned about them.I just happened to get lucky enough to meet someone who questioned the validity of my diagnosis, as I was still suffering in silence.I wish all the best to anyone who is still looking for their answer.The answer is out there. Keep looking for it!
    Darken 9 Replies Flag this Response
  • Depression symptoms are quite visible if we see them in the depth....
    josephajain 7 Replies Flag this Response
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