Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Is this how everyone feels?

Posted In: Mental conditions 8 Replies
  • Posted By: mondieucharon
  • May 18, 2008
  • 04:32 AM

I'm not sure if I'm just overly worried, or if there is something wrong with me. For quite a while now, I've thought that I have some kind of personality disorder. I don't know very much about mental and personality disorders, so I'm going to ask you guys for help. I am nearly 16, and I think that's important for any of you to know, as I've been trying to convince myself that the way I feel is simply hormones. I'm starting to think otherwise though, as I've felt this way for years. I've always been shy, and introverted, but recently I've wondered if it could be something more than that. So I look to this to help me decide whether to see a doctor, or just to keep looking forward.

:] Thank you in advance for reading this... it will probably be kind of long.

Since probably fifth grade , I've started to become more and more introverted. I think at first it was just that I was shy. I never really improved though. I've always felt an immense fear in social situations. I just can't function right, especially in group settings. The only thing I can think about, are the questions running through my head. What do they think about me? Am I doing this right? Is he/she annoyed? Are they judging me? Are they only pretending to like me? It never stops. When I'm with people I know well, I can start to relax, but at school that's all I think about. I can't concentrate in class, because even though I know people aren't even looking at me, I'm just obsessed with this. I keep telling myself that this is a phase, every teenager goes through this, I'm no different, it will pass, optimism will help, eventually I'll give up caring, but it's been like this for years now. Especially in gym. Every day I hate getting up, just because it's such a social class. I've dreaded having it all year, and now that I'm in it, my fear has increased so much. I'm expected to participate in team sports, like everyone else, and I just can't. I try to, I tell myself every day, that today will be the day I get over it. I intend on it, and then once I get there, the only thing I can do is bite my lips until they're bleeding, scratch my arms, bite my nails, and sometimes even start to shake, feel like my blood is rushing uncontrollably, or that I can barely breathe. I am just so obsessed with what people think, whether I'm going to do something wrong, how I'm supposed to act, if I look stupid or awkward, if I'm messing up... I can't stand it.

In seventh grade , I started cutting myself. I heard about how it made you feel better, as so many do, and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It only caused me to withdraw more from everyone. I confided this 'secret' to my best friend in eigth grade, and he told basically everyone. I was so terrified that my mom, someone at the school, anyone would believe him. Surprisingly they didn't. Some of my friends did, but not anyone who cared. He was the last person I've trusted since. I just can't will myself to get close to anyone anymore. I've tried, but I end up hurting people I care about, so they won't hurt me. I'm afraid they'll 'betray' me, for lack of a better word, as my friend before, and I'm consumed with the thought of them not liking who I am. I hurt my close friends so they will dislike me for that, instead of disliking the person I am. I hate it so much. I can't talk to anyone, for fear of judgment. I want more than anything to have even just one person accept me, that I can trust. When my friends tell me they do like me, they're not just pretending, I want to believe them so bad, but I know they're lying to me. I know I have low self-confidence, and I've tried to pass this off as that. Lately though, people keep questioning the way I act. I've had several people tell me that it's not normal, despite how much I pretend it is.
Is it this hard for everyone else to be themself? Is it just that I'm overly dramatic? Does everyone experience this same fear in social situations, group or not?
I thought it was normal until this year. I thought it was just a phase. People keep telling me otherwise though, that I need to talk to someone.

I don't know enough about personality disorders to ask you if I have a particular one. I do want to also ask you if I /don't/ have something. My friends are also convinced that I have OCD. I am quite convinced that I don't. My mom continually tells me she's going to take me to a doctor. I honestly don't believe I have it though.
Some reasons why they think that...
I count and try to regulate everything, from how many steps I take in each block of the sidewalk, to the number of any particular letter on a paper.
I have numbers I avoid to great lengths, and numbers I try to use for everything, same with colors.
I like things to be ... equal? As in, if I have a sensation on one side, I need it on the other. I mean, If I brush against a wall, I'll turn around and do it again with the other side.
And then how I eat. I always have the same amount of food in each side of my mouth, including gum. I eat things in a certain order .
I like to be clean. I take 45 minute showers, which I think is perfectly reasonable. I wash my hair three times, with three different shampoos, and I do that with everything else. When I use the bathroom at school, I wash my hands five times . I then use hand sanitizer that I carry around everywhere.
I need things perfect to me. I mean, an example is, if I have a water bottle, I need a certain part facing me, usually the front of the label. If someone moves it, I need to move it back. Everything needs to be perfectly aligned. I see it as being organized, my friends make fun of me for it. My science teacher even made an OCD remark to me the other day.
I check things a lot. This doesn't happen as often, people around me just exaggerate it. I check the locks on my windows alot and most of the time I also have to go make sure I shut my locker several times. This one isn't really extensive though.

I think everyone has their obsessive-compulsive tendancies. Just because mine are more pronounced, I really don't think I have OCD. Even though others think differently, I don't think it really effects my life.
Then again, I don't know about this stuff, that's why I'm asking you all.

I'm sorry this is so long. I feel kind of stupid having it so long... But thank you so much to anyone who even just reads it. It's nice expressing myself for once.

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8 Replies:

  • Hi Mondie, What you are experencing is not normal. The good news is that all the things you talked about in your post can be cured! You seem to be a bright and reflected girl, and that combined with your young age will most certainly make it ALOT easier for you to get well. Your young age might make it difficult for you to get things on track tho and that is why you need to talk to an adult who can help you get in touch with a proffessional. First of all, the thoughts you are having about what others think of you is normal. It's when you let these thoughts control your actions that it starts to become a problem. Many people have the problem you have with numbers and colors as well. It is almost the same as being afriad of flying. It's not a problem until you decide NOT to fly because of it. These feelings will continue to grow and take over your life more and more until you reach the point where you can't do anything. This is why you need help. It is impossible for you to handle on your own sweetheart. I hope you are able to talk to someone who can help you. Maybe your parents or a socialworker or nurse at school? If you have a family doctor you could talk to him about it. If you do you will be rewarded for it, and your life will change for the better. Your gut is telling you that this is wrong and that you need help. Please listen to your body and get the help you deserve! Warm hugs, Kiera
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Thank you for the reply. :] I wouldn't have to use any drugs to be 'cured', right? I greatly dislike using drugs of any kind, especially ones meant to alter the way I think. I brought this all up with a friend who knows a lot about illnesses in general, and he told me to go read up on Avoidant Personality Disorder. Does anyone have any good sources for this, or just disorders? He probably knows me the best out of anyone right now, so I take his opinion seriously.
    mondieucharon 3 Replies Flag this Response
  • Your friend is on the right track. What you have is most likely Avoidant personality disorder and it is very common to present itself along with another disorder that you most likely have; obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don't remember just how many have both but it is seen in quite alot of cases. As far as drugs go, I do not think you would need any kind of medication. Most likely you will be given tasks that you will be asked to do. Small things that bother you, but will help you overcome your fears step by step. Google will pull up alot of sites on both disorders, but I like the way wikipedia explains it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorderhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder I'm glad you have a good friend pointing you in the right direction. You should be very proud of yourself for taking action, many people are never able to! Kiera
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Ah. Thank you. For the links, and reply.I'm very glad I wouldn't need to take any medication. ; D I was hoping someone would tell me I /didn't/ have OCD.I really don't think I have OCD.A lot of the symptoms for the other one though, I can greatly relate to.
    mondieucharon 3 Replies Flag this Response
  • It might be that you don't have OCD sweetheart, and as long as you seek help and are as honest as you have been here, I am positive that you will be seeing good results quickly once you get help. I wish you all the best, and let us know how things work out for you... You are so brave! Kiera
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Hi Mondie- Just wanted to say that I wish you good luck and tell you that I know it seems like a looong time from now, but highschool WILL be over some day and life does get so much better after that! I had a really hard time in highschool and had very few friends- in fact I never did finish it, which of course I regret...I also wanted to say that I think you are a gifted writer and you should totally go into that field!! I get so discouraged when I go online and see how people can barely write anymore - I loved reading your post, it is very well written and interesting...GOD BLESS....a concerned mom
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Thanks you :]. I actually intend on majoring in music performance when I get there. . I'm done with gym, forever now, thankfully. I've been trying to push myself into more social situations , to try to make myself more comfortable with them in the future. So far, hasn't helped, but who said things would come easily or quickly.
    mondieucharon 3 Replies Flag this Response
  • I'm not sure if I'm just overly worried, or if there is something wrong with me. For quite a while now, I've thought that I have some kind of personality disorder. I don't know very much about mental and personality disorders, so I'm going to ask you guys for help. I am nearly 16, and I think that's important for any of you to know, as I've been trying to convince myself that the way I feel is simply hormones. I'm starting to think otherwise though, as I've felt this way for years. I've always been shy, and introverted, but recently I've wondered if it could be something more than that. So I look to this to help me decide whether to see a doctor, or just to keep looking forward. :] Thank you in advance for reading this... it will probably be kind of long. Since probably fifth grade , I've started to become more and more introverted. I think at first it was just that I was shy. I never really improved though. I've always felt an immense fear in social situations. I just can't function right, especially in group settings. The only thing I can think about, are the questions running through my head. What do they think about me? Am I doing this right? Is he/she annoyed? Are they judging me? Are they only pretending to like me? It never stops. When I'm with people I know well, I can start to relax, but at school that's all I think about. I can't concentrate in class, because even though I know people aren't even looking at me, I'm just obsessed with this. I keep telling myself that this is a phase, every teenager goes through this, I'm no different, it will pass, optimism will help, eventually I'll give up caring, but it's been like this for years now. Especially in gym. Every day I hate getting up, just because it's such a social class. I've dreaded having it all year, and now that I'm in it, my fear has increased so much. I'm expected to participate in team sports, like everyone else, and I just can't. I try to, I tell myself every day, that today will be the day I get over it. I intend on it, and then once I get there, the only thing I can do is bite my lips until they're bleeding, scratch my arms, bite my nails, and sometimes even start to shake, feel like my blood is rushing uncontrollably, or that I can barely breathe. I am just so obsessed with what people think, whether I'm going to do something wrong, how I'm supposed to act, if I look stupid or awkward, if I'm messing up... I can't stand it. In seventh grade , I started cutting myself. I heard about how it made you feel better, as so many do, and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It only caused me to withdraw more from everyone. I confided this 'secret' to my best friend in eigth grade, and he told basically everyone. I was so terrified that my mom, someone at the school, anyone would believe him. Surprisingly they didn't. Some of my friends did, but not anyone who cared. He was the last person I've trusted since. I just can't will myself to get close to anyone anymore. I've tried, but I end up hurting people I care about, so they won't hurt me. I'm afraid they'll 'betray' me, for lack of a better word, as my friend before, and I'm consumed with the thought of them not liking who I am. I hurt my close friends so they will dislike me for that, instead of disliking the person I am. I hate it so much. I can't talk to anyone, for fear of judgment. I want more than anything to have even just one person accept me, that I can trust. When my friends tell me they do like me, they're not just pretending, I want to believe them so bad, but I know they're lying to me. I know I have low self-confidence, and I've tried to pass this off as that. Lately though, people keep questioning the way I act. I've had several people tell me that it's not normal, despite how much I pretend it is. Is it this hard for everyone else to be themself? Is it just that I'm overly dramatic? Does everyone experience this same fear in social situations, group or not?I thought it was normal until this year. I thought it was just a phase. People keep telling me otherwise though, that I need to talk to someone. I don't know enough about personality disorders to ask you if I have a particular one. I do want to also ask you if I /don't/ have something. My friends are also convinced that I have OCD. I am quite convinced that I don't. My mom continually tells me she's going to take me to a doctor. I honestly don't believe I have it though. Some reasons why they think that... I count and try to regulate everything, from how many steps I take in each block of the sidewalk, to the number of any particular letter on a paper. I have numbers I avoid to great lengths, and numbers I try to use for everything, same with colors. I like things to be ... equal? As in, if I have a sensation on one side, I need it on the other. I mean, If I brush against a wall, I'll turn around and do it again with the other side. And then how I eat. I always have the same amount of food in each side of my mouth, including gum. I eat things in a certain order . I like to be clean. I take 45 minute showers, which I think is perfectly reasonable. I wash my hair three times, with three different shampoos, and I do that with everything else. When I use the bathroom at school, I wash my hands five times . I then use hand sanitizer that I carry around everywhere. I need things perfect to me. I mean, an example is, if I have a water bottle, I need a certain part facing me, usually the front of the label. If someone moves it, I need to move it back. Everything needs to be perfectly aligned. I see it as being organized, my friends make fun of me for it. My science teacher even made an OCD remark to me the other day.I check things a lot. This doesn't happen as often, people around me just exaggerate it. I check the locks on my windows alot and most of the time I also have to go make sure I shut my locker several times. This one isn't really extensive though. I think everyone has their obsessive-compulsive tendancies. Just because mine are more pronounced, I really don't think I have OCD. Even though others think differently, I don't think it really effects my life.Then again, I don't know about this stuff, that's why I'm asking you all. I'm sorry this is so long. I feel kind of stupid having it so long... But thank you so much to anyone who even just reads it. It's nice expressing myself for once.[/QUO The way you feel is just like everyone else that is your age.I am 49 years old and I remember having the same feelings at 16 .Yes you might not be the same as the person sitting next to you but guess what that is a good thing . That what makes you -YOU- I thought I was a car,when I was a teenager I would walk down the block shifting gears in my head.Weird ha.Maybe I had (or have) alittle ocd.I am a very successful person today.I have friends,money,a beautiful family and most of all happy with who i am.Im not saying dont seek help if you feel you need it,but always try to make the best of every situation .Look at life like an adventure that your on.Think of any person you look up to and just think ARE THEY THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE? Chances are the answer is NO.Thats what makes them great! Your high school days will pass .Always have a positive attitude,and stop apologizing to everyone.Remember mind,body,spirit always take care of this 3 things.Good Luck to you and stay strong.It always gets better!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
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