I'm not sure if I'm just overly worried, or if there is something wrong with me. For quite a while now, I've thought that I have some kind of personality disorder. I don't know very much about mental and personality disorders, so I'm going to ask you guys for help. I am nearly 16, and I think that's important for any of you to know, as I've been trying to convince myself that the way I feel is simply hormones. I'm starting to think otherwise though, as I've felt this way for years. I've always been shy, and introverted, but recently I've wondered if it could be something more than that. So I look to this to help me decide whether to see a doctor, or just to keep looking forward.
:] Thank you in advance for reading this... it will probably be kind of long.
Since probably fifth grade , I've started to become more and more introverted. I think at first it was just that I was shy. I never really improved though. I've always felt an immense fear in social situations. I just can't function right, especially in group settings. The only thing I can think about, are the questions running through my head. What do they think about me? Am I doing this right? Is he/she annoyed? Are they judging me? Are they only pretending to like me? It never stops. When I'm with people I know well, I can start to relax, but at school that's all I think about. I can't concentrate in class, because even though I know people aren't even looking at me, I'm just obsessed with this. I keep telling myself that this is a phase, every teenager goes through this, I'm no different, it will pass, optimism will help, eventually I'll give up caring, but it's been like this for years now. Especially in gym. Every day I hate getting up, just because it's such a social class. I've dreaded having it all year, and now that I'm in it, my fear has increased so much. I'm expected to participate in team sports, like everyone else, and I just can't. I try to, I tell myself every day, that today will be the day I get over it. I intend on it, and then once I get there, the only thing I can do is bite my lips until they're bleeding, scratch my arms, bite my nails, and sometimes even start to shake, feel like my blood is rushing uncontrollably, or that I can barely breathe. I am just so obsessed with what people think, whether I'm going to do something wrong, how I'm supposed to act, if I look stupid or awkward, if I'm messing up... I can't stand it.
In seventh grade , I started cutting myself. I heard about how it made you feel better, as so many do, and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It only caused me to withdraw more from everyone. I confided this 'secret' to my best friend in eigth grade, and he told basically everyone. I was so terrified that my mom, someone at the school, anyone would believe him. Surprisingly they didn't. Some of my friends did, but not anyone who cared. He was the last person I've trusted since. I just can't will myself to get close to anyone anymore. I've tried, but I end up hurting people I care about, so they won't hurt me. I'm afraid they'll 'betray' me, for lack of a better word, as my friend before, and I'm consumed with the thought of them not liking who I am. I hurt my close friends so they will dislike me for that, instead of disliking the person I am. I hate it so much. I can't talk to anyone, for fear of judgment. I want more than anything to have even just one person accept me, that I can trust. When my friends tell me they do like me, they're not just pretending, I want to believe them so bad, but I know they're lying to me. I know I have low self-confidence, and I've tried to pass this off as that. Lately though, people keep questioning the way I act. I've had several people tell me that it's not normal, despite how much I pretend it is.
Is it this hard for everyone else to be themself? Is it just that I'm overly dramatic? Does everyone experience this same fear in social situations, group or not?
I thought it was normal until this year. I thought it was just a phase. People keep telling me otherwise though, that I need to talk to someone.
I don't know enough about personality disorders to ask you if I have a particular one. I do want to also ask you if I /don't/ have something. My friends are also convinced that I have OCD. I am quite convinced that I don't. My mom continually tells me she's going to take me to a doctor. I honestly don't believe I have it though.
Some reasons why they think that...
I count and try to regulate everything, from how many steps I take in each block of the sidewalk, to the number of any particular letter on a paper.
I have numbers I avoid to great lengths, and numbers I try to use for everything, same with colors.
I like things to be ... equal? As in, if I have a sensation on one side, I need it on the other. I mean, If I brush against a wall, I'll turn around and do it again with the other side.
And then how I eat. I always have the same amount of food in each side of my mouth, including gum. I eat things in a certain order .
I like to be clean. I take 45 minute showers, which I think is perfectly reasonable. I wash my hair three times, with three different shampoos, and I do that with everything else. When I use the bathroom at school, I wash my hands five times . I then use hand sanitizer that I carry around everywhere.
I need things perfect to me. I mean, an example is, if I have a water bottle, I need a certain part facing me, usually the front of the label. If someone moves it, I need to move it back. Everything needs to be perfectly aligned. I see it as being organized, my friends make fun of me for it. My science teacher even made an OCD remark to me the other day.
I check things a lot. This doesn't happen as often, people around me just exaggerate it. I check the locks on my windows alot and most of the time I also have to go make sure I shut my locker several times. This one isn't really extensive though.
I think everyone has their obsessive-compulsive tendancies. Just because mine are more pronounced, I really don't think I have OCD. Even though others think differently, I don't think it really effects my life.
Then again, I don't know about this stuff, that's why I'm asking you all.
I'm sorry this is so long. I feel kind of stupid having it so long... But thank you so much to anyone who even just reads it. It's nice expressing myself for once.