Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Is this a symptom of something bigger?

Posted In: Mental conditions 2 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • March 1, 2007
  • 03:16 PM

My husband has spent all the years I have been married to him (4) lying about anything that might make him look bad- everything from lying about wanting children before we got married because he said he "knew I wouldn't marry him if he told me the truth", then he will say that he didn't lie, he just "didn't tell me everything he was thinking".
He will even go as far as lying to his parents and my family and friends about things he does (like the above) and say that he is just misunderstood or he just "doesn't know" why he does these things.
I got him to go to couple's counseling once, but he sat there and did nothing even when he said to the counselor that he knew his continuing this behavior would end our marriage. After 4 visits of the counselor trying to get him to see that his actions were not right and my husband not doing anything (and actually going from quiet and sad in the office to happy and back to "himself" when we left) the counselor told us to not bother coming back because my husband had no interest in looking at himself.
He has since said that he blamed me, not himself and went from saying he lied to he didn't lie, he just didn't know he felt that way, to he just left things out and didn't tell me.
He recently went as far as responding, "Well, if you want the truth, then no" when I asked him if all the damage that this has caused our marriage, the fact that I am on anti-anxiety meds because of the stress and the fact that I have sat before him crying and begging him to please stop this behavior has done anything to motivate him to change!
To make it worse, I have been packing, have a real estate agent coming to look at our house and told him I have seen a lawyer- yet he walks around in a good mood and seems unmoved by all this- then once in while tells me he doesn't want me to leave! i asked him how he can do this and he said he was- "just in denial, I guess"!!
I am actually scared because I have been sleeping on the couch and am waiting for him to be one of these guys who "snap" and he hammers me to death in my sleep.
He said he really doesn't see his behavior as all that bad and thinks he is a good person.
I don't know what to make of all this. i just want out.

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2 Replies:

  • I'm not sure whether this is right or not..but i'd probably have to say from what you've said so far that your husbands probably built up this wall so high he doesnt really feel anything anymore..which is similar to my situation. This is just a guess, but he obviously doesnt want to get hurt, and that may be the cause of most of his actions. I think he's protecting himself from any possibility of being vunerable for you to hurt him and so he's just switched off and doesnt care anymore, doesnt feel anything and has thrown his conscience out the window. These can usually stem from a deep hurt i think usually at a young age, like bullying or some form of abuse from parents or relatives. He obviously feels like he's got nothing to loose and that he doesnt need people to rely on. However people who generally thnk like this find out the hard way when people abandon them. I'm not really sure about your situation so i'm not sure i cant give advice, but this is just my experience with people like this. After all, i'm one of them.
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies Flag this Response
  • I agree with the post. I also think that when he says he doesnt want you to move out..thats probably the real him. The lying is protecting himself. I lie a lot. Everyday I lie to everyone, even my closest friends literaly hundreds of times a day. People who lie and then tell you they've gotten away with it, want you to think they're clever. Also maybe he sees relying on people as a sign of weakness. He sounds like he thinks he can survive with no one or nothing as his support. You obviously love him, but if this is destroying, then you need to get out. I cant even begin to understand what your feeling, but i do understand that if he doesnt change and you stay in these conditions it will ruin you. I hope things get better!
    Anonymous 42,789 Replies Flag this Response
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