Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Intrusive thoughts

Posted In: Mental conditions 3 Replies
  • Posted By: pablaaaa
  • July 10, 2009
  • 04:38 AM

I'm eighteen years old, I've been dealing with this for too long, since I was around fourteen years old and the problem is undoubtedly getting worse. My dad has a brain condition and a procedure is performed for it which is supposed to cure it, however the surgery has been unsuccessful for him. He has had six surgeries and they only work temporarily before he begins to suffer again. I live in Canada and the doctors decided that the surgeries were not working on him, and they decided that they weren't going to help him anymore. This condition when untreated is fatal. Its my belief that I presently have too many growing psychological problems to even write all on this one post, but the constant fear of my father dying follows me wherever I go. The thoughts are extremely intrusive, I get flashes in my mind of him dying and his funeral and how traumatized i would be from it etc, all those terrible terrible things that no one wants to think about ever.. they will force themselves into my head at any point, i could be eating, sitting in the car, sitting in class.. anywhere. I get intense vivid nightmares which often cause me to wake up in the middle of the night and bursting into tears. I wish so badly that i could just shove the thoughts into the back of my mind but they will not leave me. The fear of my father's death haunts me wherever I go and i cant help but think that its going to happen because this condition causes death when untreated. I dont WANT to think about it at all but the thoughts simply WONT leave my head. I feel like im going crazy. I am already depressed more than half the time and have severe anxiety and these kind of thoughtd dont make it any better. I've heard of psychological conditions that cause a person to think of suicidal thoughts or whatever but not this. There was one time when I was sitting through a long car ride on my way to go camping with some friends, we were driving through an unknown neighborhood hours away from where I lived. We had smoked some pot which was a mistake because I already stopped doing that stuff because it makes my anxiety worse. However, I looked out the car window to see a funeral home in front of me, the thoughts rushed into my mind and I actually felt like i got a glimpse into the future of how I would actually feel if it happened to me, and I felt the feeling of what it would be like to never see my dad again. I went into a very, very dark place in my mind that I've never ever been to before and I felt such a strong rush of sadness and terror. I had a panic attack and felt like i was briefly about to lose my mind. It was no doubt the worst experience of my life. I feel overwhelming guilt daily as well; I feel guilty for thinking these thoughts and not being more optimistic about his illness like I should be. I feel guilt when I can't hang out with him, I always feel like I don't hang out with him enough which causes me to feel guilty. I feel as if I am a bad daughter all the time and i feel like i could be doing more. I love my dad SOOO much, he has alwqays been my hero and we've always had a strong bond.. I don't want to think about losing him but the possibility is very real and the thoughts wont go away no matter how hard I try and i just want to be relieved of this before i literally lose my mind. I feel like this is such a strange condition, whatever it is, and i just want it to GO AWAY. Someone please tell me what is wrong with me. Please. :(

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3 Replies:

  • i've read that unwanted thoughts are a sign of OCD, but i think its much more than that. Anyone.....?:(
    pablaaaa 7 Replies Flag this Response
  • Not OCD. Sounds like anxiety and depression. Very common. Especially when under stress for varying reasons.Go see the doctor. Explain all thoughts, feelings, concerns. They are there to help. Sometimes just talking with someone like a therapist can do wonders for people. Sometimes medication can also help. You should try talking to your dad about everything, that would prolly go a long way in helping you deal with it all. Have a little faith. Things will get better.
    insomniac 6 Replies Flag this Response
  • I can't imagine what you are dealing with at 18 years old. I am 35, and have just started realizing how old me parents are and that they won't be with us much longer. I may be in a little different place, though, because of mine and my parent's very strong faith. I have, though, thought about my dad's funeral, and how it will be not to be able to call him when I have a problem in my house, and at times, it has caused me to tear up. I have not, though, had it be as intrusive as your thoughts. I believe talking to your dad and others, getting it out in the open is a great idea. Death is a part of life. Life wouldn't be as precious to us if there wasn't death. Again, my faith come into play here, because I believe that there is life after death, and that I will be with my dad in heaven one day after we both die. That has been huge for me and my family as we have dealt with other deaths in our family. Some people say that faith is a crutch, my faith in *****t is definitely more than a crutch, it is more like a wheelchair. I don't just lean on *****t, He carries me. I don't know what answers you are seeking, but since you put it out there for help, I would recommend seeking out a good Bible believing church and counselling with their pastor. If your dad would go with you, that would be better. The key to all of this anxiety is to know what is coming. The reason death is so scary is it is unknown, we have never experienced it. So find out what happens after death, and what you can do about your destiny. I know it continues to carry me through.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • August 18, 2009
    • 02:14 AM
    • 0
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