I'm eighteen years old, I've been dealing with this for too long, since I was around fourteen years old and the problem is undoubtedly getting worse. My dad has a brain condition and a procedure is performed for it which is supposed to cure it, however the surgery has been unsuccessful for him. He has had six surgeries and they only work temporarily before he begins to suffer again. I live in Canada and the doctors decided that the surgeries were not working on him, and they decided that they weren't going to help him anymore. This condition when untreated is fatal. Its my belief that I presently have too many growing psychological problems to even write all on this one post, but the constant fear of my father dying follows me wherever I go. The thoughts are extremely intrusive, I get flashes in my mind of him dying and his funeral and how traumatized i would be from it etc, all those terrible terrible things that no one wants to think about ever.. they will force themselves into my head at any point, i could be eating, sitting in the car, sitting in class.. anywhere. I get intense vivid nightmares which often cause me to wake up in the middle of the night and bursting into tears. I wish so badly that i could just shove the thoughts into the back of my mind but they will not leave me. The fear of my father's death haunts me wherever I go and i cant help but think that its going to happen because this condition causes death when untreated. I dont WANT to think about it at all but the thoughts simply WONT leave my head. I feel like im going crazy. I am already depressed more than half the time and have severe anxiety and these kind of thoughtd dont make it any better. I've heard of psychological conditions that cause a person to think of suicidal thoughts or whatever but not this. There was one time when I was sitting through a long car ride on my way to go camping with some friends, we were driving through an unknown neighborhood hours away from where I lived. We had smoked some pot which was a mistake because I already stopped doing that stuff because it makes my anxiety worse. However, I looked out the car window to see a funeral home in front of me, the thoughts rushed into my mind and I actually felt like i got a glimpse into the future of how I would actually feel if it happened to me, and I felt the feeling of what it would be like to never see my dad again. I went into a very, very dark place in my mind that I've never ever been to before and I felt such a strong rush of sadness and terror. I had a panic attack and felt like i was briefly about to lose my mind. It was no doubt the worst experience of my life. I feel overwhelming guilt daily as well; I feel guilty for thinking these thoughts and not being more optimistic about his illness like I should be. I feel guilt when I can't hang out with him, I always feel like I don't hang out with him enough which causes me to feel guilty. I feel as if I am a bad daughter all the time and i feel like i could be doing more. I love my dad SOOO much, he has alwqays been my hero and we've always had a strong bond.. I don't want to think about losing him but the possibility is very real and the thoughts wont go away no matter how hard I try and i just want to be relieved of this before i literally lose my mind. I feel like this is such a strange condition, whatever it is, and i just want it to GO AWAY. Someone please tell me what is wrong with me. Please. :(Reply Follow This Thread Stop Following This Thread Flag this Discussion
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