I find myself daily thinking about committing suicide or hoping that someone would run me over. Or, if I got really lucky, someone would snipe me in the back of my head.
I also have have pretty wild mood swings. I don't want anything I do to hurt others - at least physically. I know my family would be pretty screwed up for the rest of their lives. Still, that doesn't have too much power in stopping me. I just haven't yet because I guess I have hope. Sometimes I hope that if I do kill myself, it will screw certain people up for being the dirtbags they are - but still happy knowing that at least I can't get away from all this crap.
Most of my decisions are double-edged swords. The positive me has hopes that doing this (this being whatever I decide to do) will achieve 'x' outcome, and the negative me has hopes it will achieve 'z' outcome.
I'm 19. When I left for Alaska after graduating high school, I went to live in the wild. Part of me wanted to just enjoy some freedom, the other part of me just wanted to get lucky - break a leg and die. Neither happened - and I was okay for a while. I moved into Anchorage and got a job. I wasn't really happy though. I smoked pot and ate some pot/shroom brownies for a while - but I knew it wasn't helping anything - both would usually just help me sleep for 15 or so hours.
That's when I had the brilliant idea of joining the Air Force. Part of me wanted an adventure, the other just wanted out of Alaska. When I got to basic training - for a complicated reason - I could no longer be the linguist I had been promised. So, I chose Security Forces. For those of you not familiar with Security Forces - it is Air Force infantry. I figured I could just volunteer to go to Afghanistan and with any luck get blown up.
Well that didn't happen either. When I got to Infantry School (job skills), I began to have mood swings like never before. I mean one hour I'm blissfully happy the next I'm ready to ****ing kill someone. I don't need someone to tell me it's unhealthy. I know that.
Then I realized something peculiar. This sucked. I couldn't believed I volunteered to be involved in this crappy life. In fact, above everything else, I couldn't believe how much life sucked. Life has always sucked. The only thing that had helped me endure life up until Alaska/the military was video gaming. However, when I play video games I'm unhealthily addicted. I skip showers two days a time and stay in doors. My face and hair gets greasy. I skip meals. I become so tired and lazy I can barely muster the effort to do ANYTHING. So I know that playing video games isn't the solution. When I play video games I still have the mood swings. I'll be happy one moment and the next wishing with all my might I could reach through the screen and choke the person on the other side. In fact, sometimes I'll even start crying and beat my fists on the table.
I figured dropping video games would fix some of my problems. In fact, it just made things worse. Back in High School I would think of ways to kill myself, but I was never even close to serious. Video games - mmorpgs to be specific - have a very powerful effect on my mind. I don't think about ANYTHING other than the game. When I was at school, when I was away from the computer, I was thinking of ways to better accomplish something in the game. It's almost a wonder I graduated with a 2.8 gpa.
I think I haven't committed suicide yet because I have hope. I have hope that the perfect girl will be around the next corner. I've never had a girlfriend in the true sense. I had three girls who I was with for a few days. Two were in Germany - and then I had to leave. I almost slept with one of them - but for some reason I asked her to stop when we were down to my boxers. I don't know why I did that. The third was here in America and we both realized quickly we had nothing in common. I had nothing in common with the German girls either - it was just physical ***t.
No, I have hope that the quiet, cutest girl will some day appear. Of course, back in High School I was a slob and that would never happen. So I worked out. I started running and bicycling. I got into good shape. And now I'm here. In the military, and extremely depressed.
Last month I was so depressed and angry I did something dangerous and illegal. I went AWOL to Mexico to one of the biggest drug war cities. I don't know if I just want to get away from the base, but I sure as ***l wasn't going to vacation in Mexico. I know in the back of mind I was kind of hoping I would have been kidnapped and killed. I was hoping someone else would kill me. Well the positive side of me won after about four hours and I came back to the USA and went to a military confinement facility for a week. Now I'm confined to base for six months until I hopefully get discharged. When I was AWOL, it was the first time I had serious thoughts of suicide. When I was being brought back to the base, I almost jumped out of the truck onto the highway. When I was in Jail, I thought about smashing my head on metal to split my head open.
That's when I started thinking about what I'd do when I get discharged - and I realized that I don't have anything to do. I'm just nothing but unhappy with life. It's not the military making things worse - the military just makes me realize exactly how unhappy I am with life. Since I'm away from drugs/video games - I have nothing. I'm just here. Doing nothing. No point.
It isn't going to get better. I realize I'm not going to find that girl. She doesn't exist. I'm so mentally screwed up I can't be with anyone. I'm an Atheist with stupid lovey-dovey ideals. I don't want to sleep around like everyone else my age. The only girls who don't sleep around are almost ALL religious. I can't IMAGINE dating a christian girl. I tried - and all that was shoved up my throat was ****s and I god. I tried to believe in the bible - but I'm a science guy. I simply don't believe that mumbo-jumbo.
The universe is huge. We are useless little specks. The only thing worth living for is someone you love - I've figured this out. When I first started having "Fun" - skydiving, scuba-diving, cycling - all that good stuff - it worked for a while. But, when I realize that I have no one to share it with, it's pointless. It's just me who knows about it. And it loses it's happiness. Adrenaline only does so much for me. Might as well be on drugs again - but they don't make me happy, they just make me forget.
Thanks for reading all this. I'm just screwed up. One moment I sit and talk with a fellow Airman about their problems and help them, the next I think about jumping off the highway bridge and get plowed over by a truck. I'm posting here because of how frequent these thoughts are. I've thought about buying a computer and getting back into game - but that doesn't make me happy. It just hurts more because overtime it creates a lump in throat. I know underneath that I'm not really happy. I can't fool myself into believing I'm really a part of the game. I just wish I could.
I just don't have a match for myself. Everyone around me is so fake. They all just want to have sex. I cannot believe how obsessed with sex everyone is. It's like I'm surrounded by primates. Again, just aren't any girls out there for me - and I refuse to live my life playing video games. I may not commit suicide this week, or this month, but in these next few years, I really see myself jumping off a cliff.
My mood swings aren't violent yet - but I seem them getting there. If someone *****s me off when I get into an angry mood swing - with the amount of adrenaline I usually have coursing through me - they might find themselves in the hospital. I'm not a happy person. At all. And it's just building. Nothing out there makes me happy. I tried all that BS.
Without someone to love there is no reason to live. I don't love my parents. In fact, I really detest them. I only feel sorry for them because my dad taught me to be a logical thinker. And the logical part of me appreciates the fact that despite their cruel attitude twisted ways they did raise me with food, opportunities, so on and so forth. Whatever.
It would honestly be easier if I was dead. In perspective it ISN'T going to stop society - and nobody is REALLY going to be ruined. Sure my parents would be sad I guess, but they'll mostly get over it. It ain't selfish. It's simply a way of stopping the pressure.
I'm so tired of having a heavy chest. I feel like I have weights on me. I can't breathe well sometimes. The nice side of me keeps me from telling everyone around me to go **** themselves. Barely. I'm pretty sure I'm coming up to the day where I stop being the funny airman everyone thinks I am. I cover up pretty good. I never let anybody see me down. That's changing though. Even this week I told a few people to piss off because I am just getting to the breaking point. I seem to be at the breaking point everyday now, and if I was dead, no, it wouldn't make me feel better but ***l - I wouldn't feel jack sh*t. I don't have to think.
I hate thinking. I hate knowing how unhappy I am. I want to stop thinking. I really do. And I refuse to do drugs. I refuse to be sucked into some slump for the rest of my lifetime and ruin other people's lives.
What do you think I should do? I've talked to counselors. I've talked to chaplains (religious helpful people like a priest and so on).
Obviously I haven't killed myself yet - but I really don't think I'm going to try and stop myself next time I get an adrenaline rush. I think about killing myself - ways to do it - but I don't plan it out. If I do, it's just going to be on the spot. Probably something like jumping off the building I live in and snapping my neck in half. Yeah, that's a pretty easy one.
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