I would first like to apologize for how whiny this post is but I feel so messed up. I got a scholarship to a top public school. That's when my father realized he wanted to be nice after treating my mother and I like garbage. My grades have been dropping since I got there in most subjects. I guess I never really settled in. I always tried to suppress the thought that he only wanted to be with me for the thought there was something in it for him. Recently things at school became worse. The school complained that I'm slow and inattentive. He got angry with me and admitted that only interested in successful people (and w*****). I can't believe I'm being judged by this criminal. I felt sick. I developed
- A rash
- Stomach aches
- Aching joints and this heavy feeling in my arms
- Weight loss about 7%
- Ringing sound in my ears
- Swollen lymph nodes (ok now)
- I had hair loss (which is better now) and hair thinning
- Chills and Hypothermia once
I went to my doctors and she did various blood tests. I thought and hoped I had cancer, but the blood tests only showed a high red blood cell count. My doctor started to suspect that the symptoms were caused by stress. I switched doctors because I was scared she would write mentally unstable on my medical files or prescribe me anti-depressants. F*** with my political views and high job expectations there's no way I'm going to let this get on my record. I was seeing a councilor secretly up until about 6 months ago. It doesn't work. All I can think about how I'm being judged and being ripped off in terms of time and money. Two things I have little of. People say I appear to be calm and people say I act as if I don't care. They don't know how I learnt to shut up and put on a smile even when things weren't alright. I'd only make things worse. I don't like talking anymore, I always say the wrong thing and make things worse. I cut myself but I regret it afterwards because of the scars, my mothers response and stupid people asking what happened to your arm. This makes me even sadder. I try to hide it but that means even more stress. My mum tried to take away my weapons; sharpeners, scissors and knives but I feel so desperate. I'll use anything keys mechanical pencils, my nails and just etch away at the skin. I do stupid things. Most days I don't want to wake up. I sometimes feel suicidal. I think about it, but I can't stand the thought of the judgement on both me and my mother and the question 'Why?'. I want my death to look like an accident (Saves me the bother of writing the expected suicide note). I don't have the energy sometimes. I want something instantly. When I lose control, I take substances. So far I've overdosed on paracetamols a couple of times and inhaled/swallowed mercury (this did nothing btw my lung capacity is fine). People say I've changed, which is another way of saying who the ***l is this freak. I was a confident student who was top of class. I had the lead in school plays. Now I can barely hold a pen. My writing is abysmal. I can't do anything as well as I could. I used to be good at video games but now I'm rubbish. I struggle with doing things. It's never good enough. I'm so on the edge. I get tremors/body shakes and I'm aware of my heartbeat. Maybe it's the caffeine...
Recently a boy in my school died and everyone there was so unhappy. I wished it had been me. I'm letting both my mum and the school down. I deserve it. Not many people would be unhappy if it was me. Heck I bet my teachers would celebrate. It took me the whole night to write this. It's so pathetic. I don't know why. I don't know hat to do. I feel lost. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I need advice. Anything from someone out there. Is medication a good idea? What is wrong with me? I freak out when people say depression. Is this what I have People will probably just look at this and this think WTF or just laugh and look at the next post.
Anyway thank you for reading this....