Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

I hate my life most of the time....

Posted In: Mental conditions 4 Replies
  • Posted By: fallingapart
  • December 30, 2007
  • 03:38 PM

I have more problems then I can stand to talk about and just so you know I have no medical insurance. I have changed drastically after the death of my father. I was taking care of him loved him very much he died in my arms my heart broke and been in a hazy fog ever since and that was about 4 years ago. I have come to terms with my fathers death and all the other stressful events that surrounded it my broken engagement to a not so nice person my crackhead brother freaking out the whole time my father was in the hospital attacking me and harrassing me and my elderly mother. all leading up to my fathers hospital problems and his homecoming and eventual death. I have sorted it out and dealt with it but am not quite the same either way. I am currently taking care of my elderly mother who invited the crackhead brother to live with her and now he causes us anxiety and grief and hurt and frustration on a regular basis. He does not pay bills he eats all the food he mooches money out of my mother to the point she looks to me to cover her which I do but I spent a good portion of my life savings coming back here and taking care of her under these circumstances and I am just falling away . I sleep alot I never want to wake up much but I have to and most of the day I am in a fog and can't focus or concentrate much. I have anxiety and have come close to a nervous breakdown a few times. I have a hardtime sleeping at night and an even harder time waking up early in the day. I do what I can when I can for my mother go food shopping take her to the doctor check her sugar help her with her paperwork and get her medicine help around the house take care of what I can and fend off my crackhead brother who will not get out no matter what my mother says to him. I called the police on him he took off and came back after they were gone. My mom enables him and I get attacked after the drugs are gone she can't stop and I am starting to resent her for it. I catch myself holding my breath alot for some reasaon. Just whenever I am sitting around on trying to do something I start to hold my breath like I forget to breath and its happening more and more every day. I also catch myself thinking not much matters I won't be here much longer anyway. By here I mean alive but please understand me when I say this I have no desire or intention to kill myself whatsoever. I just get this subconcious kinda feeling I won't live a real long time I don't know why . I have had many dental problems ever since my parents got me braces and they have progressed into a giant mess and left me with a fear of the dentist . I paid alot of money and seems like every dentist I ever went to pulled out teeth for one reason or another like to make me a bridge that never fit and I could never get fitted because I got it when I was taking care of my dad at his house but my work and home was across the country and when I got it I left shortly after only to find the dentist I go to back home telling me she cannot fix that she can only make me a new for for 5k which I no longer had anymore. Needless to say ever dentist after that only takes my money and tells me find another dentist they cannot do the work and I do not have insurance so I am doomed. I am 39yrs old and alot of people tell me I look alot younger. I barely enjoy anything anymore I love music but have a hard time since my father died remembering alot of what I love but its slowly comes back to me. I have no sex drive whatsoever I am sad alot and find myself saying I wish I could just go away or I don't want to live this live anymore. I am easily confused anymore and have an extremely hardtime paying attention. I not only have my problems to worry about but also my mothers and then what my ***k brother lays on us. I do not want to fail her in her old age I love my mother and at the same time she is not always nice to me. She lets my brother run all over us and then puts guilt trips on me to pay for groceries every other day and the utilities he runs up. Thats on top of what I volunterily pay everymonth. I did not come here to sponge off her I came to help her and take care of her. I am not working and feel like I am becoming unemployable anymore I have a lot of office expirience but as I said I can't wake up much anymore and believe me I try everyday to get up early. I only seem to do it when my mother needs me other then that I just don't want to get up I don't care. I cry sometimes I feel like there is not much of a future for me if I do not find help then I think I won't really get any help because I have no insurance and little time to go jump through hoops for state assistance I want to work but I have memory problems like I just cannot explain I retain mostly useless information I forget things all day long like where I put things or what I am suppossed to do. I was a good student in school I suddenly have trouble with spelling alot of words I know I am familiar with and sometimes I become confused and I was never like this before I mean if I were it was minimal compared to the stupid things I sometimes catch myself doing now. I am not crazy . I would not hurt a fly but I can say at one time I could have definatly wanted to hurt my brother for all the pain he causes us but ever would I hurt anyone and I have no intentions of doing harm to myself. I am not as bad as I was 3 years ago I was much worse. I was in a constant fog withdrawn from everything and everyone I was nothing like myself I could not ever remember what I was like it was bad. I have come a long way from there but the things in my life never seem to get better and I only blame myself. I see the future as a stressful and more or less jampacked with dissapointment and humiliation. I want to take better care of my mother she is not disabled just elderly and needs simple assistence and an extra hand with things around the house but it is taxing and complicated especially dealing with my brothers crap also . Everything for me seems to go by the wayside and I guess I just don't matter too much to too many people right now. I sometimes feel like I am static if you can understand that like I am just fuzzy static causing everything I go near to become disrupted . I speak and am hardly ever heard or acknowledged by most people around me. I have to make elaborate displays to be heard at times often making me feel like maybe I am crazy. I feel like maybe am fading away when I talk and no one listens or they just talk over me. I have a hard time making conversation anymore eye contact has become next to impossible for me. I often start saying something and forget my point or somnetimes even the rest of what i was saying . I used to be a very friendly person always had many friends still do just now they seem to feel sorry for me and when I do see them they are usually trying to help me and my mom out. I used to be a good at making conversation and talking with anyone about anything but now I stammer through topics I know of but just can't recall all the facts. I know I am not stupid but I cannot say I have been feeling very smart lately. I play brain games to try and excercise my brain to help get my memory back it helps a little but I am no where near what I should be. I have an awful time waking up anymore I just feel like I am all wobbly and my head is all heavy and I honestly do not snap out of it for hours after I wake up. I just want to be normal again or at least feel like there is hope I will be ok. I know there are medicines but what about for people with no insurance and no current employment besides selling things on ebay. (thank God I used to like expensive clothes and have a large record collection to sell I have made a nice bit of money selling things I barely wore and things I used to love). But I use that to help my mom pay bills and buy food and get what she needs when she cannot afford it herself. And for the little things I need here and there. I just do not think it's enough to help get medacine without insurance and I know it's not enough to get a doctor to really want to help me I have tried with 3 different doctors and all just kind of asked me what I wanted them to do for me and when I told them them they basically tried to refer me somewhere else and give me nothing for my money. Maybe its just a few bad ones or maybe its me being static. The last thing I am going to say is sometimes it feels like my eyes are floating about in my head barely connected to my brain. Like I see things and they just do not register right away or just can't focus almost feels like sometimes they are disconnecting or something I can't explain it. They are fine just occasionally my mind wonders away when it should be taking note of what I am seeing or trying to look at. I guess thats all concentration and focus but its not really its something else I just can't explain it here . I am sure it will get better once I figure out where to start with all the other problems. Thanks for reading this if you do and I am sorry it's hard to follow I am tired and don't really like talking about my problems anymore. I feel like I could just give up if life would let me. But I don't want to die I just want to get back on track and feel at least semi normal again.:confused: :eek: :o :(

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4 Replies:

  • First of all, happy new year! I can really understand how you feel and it's horrible and just seems not fair. You are suffering from depression like I am and you need to try and get some kind of state aid to get some insurance because you need treatment. I am lucky to have insurance that covers visits to a psychiatrist (sp) and I take medication to help give me some relief. I am 35 and have become pretty much antisocial. I miss the fun outgoing sweet girl I once was I suffer from multiple sclerosis and glaucoma and now depression, anxiety and weight problems. I too am a care giver to a family member (my grandma age 90) and yes this is a challenge. I like to think that I'm a very strong person which is what keeps me going when I'm sad about my life. You seem stronger than you think and good things will come your way. You would never know I have MS because when I'm in remission I am normal. Sorry to hear about your Dad. Right now you need to take care of yourself before anyone. In order to help people you must be strong. You can only do what you can- you are human. I like to tell myself things could be worse and I think of those poor children that suffer from illness and still have a great outlook for the future.Your brother needs to get himself help. Well you take care and stay strong!Hugs from Tee.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 1, 2008
    • 06:10 AM
    • 0
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  • Thank you for your kind words I usually do try to remember it could always be worse and to stay strong but some days it just feels out of my control and although I never feed into that feeling I know its there. I am sorry you have so much on your plate and appreciate you taking the time to reply . I just keep thinking it will work itself out in time and I just need to tough it out but part of me is starting to realize it never seems to get much better and and I am starting to realize it's not only a phaze and it's taking a toll on my body I just have not found the time or the will to start the long process required to apply for state medical assistence. I know its something I will have to make time for real soon but waking up early has not been anything but easy for me and I am not saying I just won't try I am saying I don't know why it's so hard to actually do it. I set my alrm put it across my room and still I manage to sleep through it or at times I even just start incorporating whatever loud screeching noise it makes into a dream and never even realize it's my alarm til I already overslept. I have a few people that will try to help me that know what I am going through and really just want me to get some help no matter what because they see how different I am and how some of the simplest things are complicated by my situation. Thanks again for your advice I certainly appreciate it.
    fallingapart 1 Replies
    • January 2, 2008
    • 01:44 AM
    • 0
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  • I know what you are going through. Depression and a broken heart are two of the worst things in life. I lost my job after 11 years. I didn't want to get out of bed I cried all the time. I just wanted to sleep so I didn't have to face the day. Then one day my son got my whole family together for a prayer meeting. Our mom taught us God will take care of us if we only ask. My mom died 3 years ago. She was an angel. So 31 of my family members got together on a Wed night. We prayed and prayed. The next morning I had so much peace about the whole situation. I knew I could survive the day. I still don't know if I will get my job back. (I was fired for one mistake in 11 years). But I know there is a reason for everything that happens to us. I believe I have gotten closer to God these past few weeks. I will pray for you. Don't give up. You are there for your mom even if she doesn't show it. She may take up for your brother alot. She probably knows you are going to be ok but she knows your brother is on the wrong track. Most Mothers love their children unconditionally. STAY STRONG. Tomorrow morning get out of bed and just dare the depression to take over your day. Genesis 28:15. Remember to live one day at a time. God wants to help if you'll let him. I'll check back with you.
    DVDPOW 1 Replies
    • January 2, 2008
    • 05:23 AM
    • 0
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  • I am sorry to hear you have been having such a rough time. Please understand that there are other things you can do to help your depression and feelings of hopelessness without needing to see a doc and without taking expensive meds. Do you live near a good health food store? Even if you don't you can research online. There are three things I recommend for you: 1. Methylcobalamin B12 - also known as Methyl B12. Please find a resource for this - Jarrow and MRM are two good brands. B12 is often deficient and can cause depression and nerve problems. Methyl B12 is the best quality and if you are deficient you will feel GREAT taking this supplement. I have found it works amazingly well for my moods. Please try this. 2. Bach Flower Remedies: google this or visit http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm for general info. These remedies work on a vibrational scale to help with emotional balance. I know a lot of people think they can't possibly work, but I have found them to be extremely helpful and have used them and recommend them for years. Rescue Remedy is #1 remedy for emotional stress and trauma. Please look thru the list and find a few that ring true for you. These remedies are inexpensive and last a long time. 3. Essential Fatty Acids. Omega 3/6/9 fatty acids are ESSENTIAL to our body, but we cannot make them and must get them from our food. 85% of diets are deficient. Try a good fish oil/flax oil/borage oil supplement. Best online place for these items IMO is www.vitacost.com - great prices and great customer service. Please consider these suggestions - they may really make a difference. Also, exercise is the #1 FREE thing to do to help ease depression. Best wishesDOM
    acuann 3080 Replies
    • January 2, 2008
    • 05:29 AM
    • 0
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