I know I have depression, I am on medication for it, and I know it is a symptom of my actual medical problem. What I don't understand is sometimes, I have a WANT to have something wrong with me. Not to die or have a lot of harm come to me but maybe something to get more attention, I'm not sure. I don't want to die, but I want to know what people would do without me. Most of the time I think of the worst possible thing that could happen to me or sometimes even a loved one, and give myself a panic attack or a asthma attack. Like while passing a car I start imagining getting into a car wreck. I also will think that if I could just stop in the road (while walking)and "get hurt" maybe then people will appreciate me more. The same is true with a medical condition, I want to "have" something majorly wrong with me sometimes, just so people would appreciate me more. I sometimes want to get pregnant just for the attention. Or I think about being "kidnapped" so I can escape. It doesn't make sense to me. I am consistantly worrying about something. I sometimes feel like a hypocondriact. I take things too personally, and am easily upset. I don't like the unexpected, but want unexpected things to happen. I don't like new unless I am in charge of when it happens, and I love going on adventures. I hate taking risks, but love to do it anyways. I don't want to be around anyone, yet miss the company of them when I am alone. I feel anger towards others when they have a problem, but hope they get better, and then at the same time I want to have what they have wrong also. I want everything to go my way, but never expect it to. I see a movie, or read a book and I want to be a certain character in it. So I can experience those same situations. Either bad or good or exciting or suspenseful. I want to have fun, exciting, new, unexpected, dramatic, painful, and horrible things happen to me. But not really. I am scared of change, but welcome it. I overthink everything. Thinking of the worse possible thing that could happen. But then when I really should be thinking what could happen, I don't. I don't understand it, it scares me sometimes, and I turn to things to help me get away from it, like alcohol. Sometimes I think i am overexaggerating even about this. I don't know what to think. It's like I lie to myself, while at the same time I despise lying. I can't think of another way to describe it. I like being me but at the same time I hate being me. I do read a lot and watch a lot of movies. I have always had a very good imagination. I sometimes wish I didn't have a imagination. Please tell me there is someone else out there like me. Even writing this, I feel like I am being a hypocandiact. I want help, I want a name for whats wrong with me, but at the same time I don't want to know. I want to be helped, but don't. I need it I know, but am really scared. I truly think I feel this way, but also think it could be my imgination. Please help. What should I do? Am I a hypocondriact? I really don't want to be.Reply Follow This Thread Stop Following This Thread Flag this Discussion
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