Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

I don't understand myself

Posted In: Mental conditions 16 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • November 25, 2006
  • 03:12 AM

I know I have depression, I am on medication for it, and I know it is a symptom of my actual medical problem. What I don't understand is sometimes, I have a WANT to have something wrong with me. Not to die or have a lot of harm come to me but maybe something to get more attention, I'm not sure. I don't want to die, but I want to know what people would do without me. Most of the time I think of the worst possible thing that could happen to me or sometimes even a loved one, and give myself a panic attack or a asthma attack. Like while passing a car I start imagining getting into a car wreck. I also will think that if I could just stop in the road (while walking)and "get hurt" maybe then people will appreciate me more. The same is true with a medical condition, I want to "have" something majorly wrong with me sometimes, just so people would appreciate me more. I sometimes want to get pregnant just for the attention. Or I think about being "kidnapped" so I can escape. It doesn't make sense to me. I am consistantly worrying about something. I sometimes feel like a hypocondriact. I take things too personally, and am easily upset. I don't like the unexpected, but want unexpected things to happen. I don't like new unless I am in charge of when it happens, and I love going on adventures. I hate taking risks, but love to do it anyways. I don't want to be around anyone, yet miss the company of them when I am alone. I feel anger towards others when they have a problem, but hope they get better, and then at the same time I want to have what they have wrong also. I want everything to go my way, but never expect it to. I see a movie, or read a book and I want to be a certain character in it. So I can experience those same situations. Either bad or good or exciting or suspenseful. I want to have fun, exciting, new, unexpected, dramatic, painful, and horrible things happen to me. But not really. I am scared of change, but welcome it. I overthink everything. Thinking of the worse possible thing that could happen. But then when I really should be thinking what could happen, I don't. I don't understand it, it scares me sometimes, and I turn to things to help me get away from it, like alcohol. Sometimes I think i am overexaggerating even about this. I don't know what to think. It's like I lie to myself, while at the same time I despise lying. I can't think of another way to describe it. I like being me but at the same time I hate being me. I do read a lot and watch a lot of movies. I have always had a very good imagination. I sometimes wish I didn't have a imagination. Please tell me there is someone else out there like me. Even writing this, I feel like I am being a hypocandiact. I want help, I want a name for whats wrong with me, but at the same time I don't want to know. I want to be helped, but don't. I need it I know, but am really scared. I truly think I feel this way, but also think it could be my imgination. Please help. What should I do? Am I a hypocondriact? I really don't want to be.

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16 Replies:

  • I can relate to a lot of how you are feeling. I'm going to share something my therapist told me. "You don't need a label..." I was once like you are, i wanted a name for what I had, for what was wrong with me. Sometimes, you just won't have one. To ease your mind some, I imagine scenarios like you described and have learned that I feel this way when my self esteem is really low and I'm not happy with my life. It's called fantasy, can be good or bad. The attention you seek through your fantasies is because you don't feel like you're getting enough attention in real life. Sounds a lot like anxiety/depression to me thought, nothing more serious...and remember this: Insane people don't think they are insane, its the sane ones who think they are going crazy.Cheer up, things will get better in time..
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • November 27, 2006
    • 05:55 AM
    • 0
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  • Thank you so very much, for responding. I actually understand what you had said with the fantasies. It makes perfect sense. I do seem to "daydream" more when I am under a certain amount of pressure. I am glad you understand how I feel, and I am glad I'm not the only one. Thank you again.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • November 28, 2006
    • 02:38 AM
    • 0
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  • You sound like you could have borderline personality disorder, along with your depression, and also a bit of obsessive-compulsive thinking. You definitely have intrusive and compulsive thoughts, which goes along with obsessive-compulsive disorder. You need to actively stop these or distract yourself from them, do this and they will gradually become less powerful. If you catch yourself wandering into these thoughts, firmly rebuke yourself inside your head and begin thinking about more productive things. You also definitely have the "I hate you, please don't leave me" thinking, which is common to borderline personality disorder. this disorder means your personality is not fully integrated, which means you generally have many different faces you rpesent to the world and yourself, you tend to hypnotize yourself and can believe wildly contradictory thoughts and have contradictory feelings within a short span of time. your identity conception is in a state of flux and hyperreactivity, this is why you tend to put yourself into the place of literary or cinema characters. Borderline personalities are constantly seeking templates or models of different identifies they can latch onto.You probably are also a hyponchondriac, therefore you should be careful to not get fooled into hokey cure-alls and expensive gadgets or supplments. Your mental symptoms and habits also generally mark you as extremely empthatic, basically you emotionally relate with people and identify with them to an extreme. This is why their problems hurt you deeply, and you tend to be angry at them for having problems whihc hurt you, yet simultaneously dearly wish to solve their problems and make them feel better.I'm not sure if you're male or female, but I would not be surprised, with your symptoms, if you did not also have body dysmorphic disorder or anorexia, or at least some symptoms of those.You have a high level of self awareness, I would not recommend medication. Anyone who can perceive and dissect their own mental problems can change them by thinking them through and adopting various mental tricks and disciplines to gradually reel them in. I guess that's called "cognitive therapy" but in reality it is simply the lost art of mental interospection and developing the will.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • December 2, 2006
    • 09:19 AM
    • 0
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  • I know I have depression, I am on medication for it, and I know it is a symptom of my actual medical problem. What I don't understand is sometimes, I have a WANT to have something wrong with me. Not to die or have a lot of harm come to me but maybe something to get more attention, I'm not sure. I don't want to die, but I want to know what people would do without me. Most of the time I think of the worst possible thing that could happen to me or sometimes even a loved one, and give myself a panic attack or a asthma attack. Like while passing a car I start imagining getting into a car wreck. I also will think that if I could just stop in the road (while walking)and "get hurt" maybe then people will appreciate me more. The same is true with a medical condition, I want to "have" something majorly wrong with me sometimes, just so people would appreciate me more. I sometimes want to get pregnant just for the attention. Or I think about being "kidnapped" so I can escape. It doesn't make sense to me. I am consistantly worrying about something. I sometimes feel like a hypocondriact. I take things too personally, and am easily upset. I don't like the unexpected, but want unexpected things to happen. I don't like new unless I am in charge of when it happens, and I love going on adventures. I hate taking risks, but love to do it anyways. I don't want to be around anyone, yet miss the company of them when I am alone. I feel anger towards others when they have a problem, but hope they get better, and then at the same time I want to have what they have wrong also. I want everything to go my way, but never expect it to. I see a movie, or read a book and I want to be a certain character in it. So I can experience those same situations. Either bad or good or exciting or suspenseful. I want to have fun, exciting, new, unexpected, dramatic, painful, and horrible things happen to me. But not really. I am scared of change, but welcome it. I overthink everything. Thinking of the worse possible thing that could happen. But then when I really should be thinking what could happen, I don't. I don't understand it, it scares me sometimes, and I turn to things to help me get away from it, like alcohol. Sometimes I think i am overexaggerating even about this. I don't know what to think. It's like I lie to myself, while at the same time I despise lying. I can't think of another way to describe it. I like being me but at the same time I hate being me. I do read a lot and watch a lot of movies. I have always had a very good imagination. I sometimes wish I didn't have a imagination. Please tell me there is someone else out there like me. Even writing this, I feel like I am being a hypocandiact. I want help, I want a name for whats wrong with me, but at the same time I don't want to know. I want to be helped, but don't. I need it I know, but am really scared. I truly think I feel this way, but also think it could be my imgination. Please help. What should I do? Am I a hypocondriact? I really don't want to be.Wow. I feel as if you are a clone of me. I can very very much relate and I am lost and don't know what to do. I was going to put a post that is like yours, but I could not describe myself as well as you did. Thanks!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • I too feel the same way as u..I'm too helpless..but don't worry friend.seek medical help and take ur medicines regularly
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Wow. I feel as if you are a clone of me. I can very very much relate and I am lost and don't know what to do. I was going to put a post that is like yours, but I could not describe myself as well as you did. Thanks!wow it's crazy to see how similar many of us are. i feel all of these things i have been feeling them for years and to see that im not alone is crazy.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Im often like that too.. I have borderline personality disorder as well as Asperger's. Its like i try to escape myself (like i'd rather be anywhere else but me..in this body sometimes)... im extremely confusing, even to myself. I constantly wish for excitement..both good and bad (but at other times just want peace). Not long ago i even choose to go to prison.. so rejected my bail.. just to see what prison was like!! (and to escape my normal life as well as to punish myself). I felt like i couldnt truely imagine prison unless i experienced it. I thrive on drama.. which is truely stupid as i really dont deal with it well (as i then get melt downs) and need quiet and peace and things steady. The more unstable my thoughts are.. the more i often seek drama. ....... I dont know if people with depression are like this or not.
    taniaaust1 2267 Replies Flag this Response
  • you might of had this solved but i just wanna say ditto to everything. i don't know what to say but we have to try our best at something.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • December 6, 2010
    • 04:15 AM
    • 0
    Flag this Response
  • Heyy, I am a 14 year old girl. And I was absolutely shocked to read this. I have the exact same things going through my head. Every one that you said. I've been wondering what was wrong with me too!!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • I have never been able to describe the way i feel. Your account of yourself and the diagnosis seemed like they could have been written by/for me. I doubt everything I think, say or do, and accuse it of not being real, but a product of the side of me that is trying to be something. I even doubt myself as i write this. I don't know what the real me is anymore. I have found recently that being high on marijuana allows me to better understand myself. But now I obsess about it. I'm tired of thinking so much. I fear it will continue to prevent me from finding peace or enjoyment in anything anymore. I truly can think of nothing to say because I don't know what I'm feeling. Everything I say is an act, shallow and human, aimed at obtaining approval and validation. I feel like something in me is stuck in my broken mind. Something very deep inside of me is not tainted with my compulsion, but I know not how to reach it. I am making myself post this. Because it is an embarrassing rant. Immersion therapy. Be embarrassed and not longer fear embarrassment. I had no control over whom I am. I was born. A soul in a body with an empty mind. That foundation and structure of my mind was formed by exterior influences out of "my" control. So tell me, how am I, anyone, to take credit for themselves. No one has done anything. Things have been done only because they just happened to develop a certain way. Hitler was not at fault for being who he was. If he was, you would be blaming him for being born as an empty mind, just like the rest of us. So what is anything then? Divine will? What the ***l is it? What are we and why should I do anything? I have no obligation to do anything. Because nothing really matters, and I believe it is as simple as that. I could kill myself right now, and that would be okay, because that's just what my life was meant for. I feel like I should joke to make this seem okay. But it's not. I think this and I just want to be okay with it. And I don't even feel anything about it. My heart rate rose a bit for a moment there. But I feel nothing. All I feel is bodily. Hunger. ***t. Discomfort. And what are those things? Do they matter to my soul? I have to be okay with this. Of course someone will be concerned. A strange person on a website rambled on about life and his "troubles." He must need help. Because he needs to be okay like me and stop questioning things so much, it's unhealthy. I just want to rip down the veil. Be completely honest about myself and life. I'm disgusting. Most of us are. I/we look at ***n and think sexual thoughts all day and secretly wish people we don't like will befall harm and then lie about what we are by wearing suits and thinking about everything we say. Everything we do is an illusion. We act out our parts and try to fit in. But we'll all die one day. None of it will have mattered. No one will remember, no one will care. Be all of who you are.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • I know I have depression, I am on medication for it, and I know it is a symptom of my actual medical problem. What I don't understand is sometimes, I have a WANT to have something wrong with me. Not to die or have a lot of harm come to me but maybe something to get more attention, I'm not sure. I don't want to die, but I want to know what people would do without me. Most of the time I think of the worst possible thing that could happen to me or sometimes even a loved one, and give myself a panic attack or a asthma attack. Like while passing a car I start imagining getting into a car wreck. I also will think that if I could just stop in the road (while walking)and "get hurt" maybe then people will appreciate me more. The same is true with a medical condition, I want to "have" something majorly wrong with me sometimes, just so people would appreciate me more. I sometimes want to get pregnant just for the attention. Or I think about being "kidnapped" so I can escape. It doesn't make sense to me. I am consistantly worrying about something. I sometimes feel like a hypocondriact. I take things too personally, and am easily upset. I don't like the unexpected, but want unexpected things to happen. I don't like new unless I am in charge of when it happens, and I love going on adventures. I hate taking risks, but love to do it anyways. I don't want to be around anyone, yet miss the company of them when I am alone. I feel anger towards others when they have a problem, but hope they get better, and then at the same time I want to have what they have wrong also. I want everything to go my way, but never expect it to. I see a movie, or read a book and I want to be a certain character in it. So I can experience those same situations. Either bad or good or exciting or suspenseful. I want to have fun, exciting, new, unexpected, dramatic, painful, and horrible things happen to me. But not really. I am scared of change, but welcome it. I overthink everything. Thinking of the worse possible thing that could happen. But then when I really should be thinking what could happen, I don't. I don't understand it, it scares me sometimes, and I turn to things to help me get away from it, like alcohol. Sometimes I think i am overexaggerating even about this. I don't know what to think. It's like I lie to myself, while at the same time I despise lying. I can't think of another way to describe it. I like being me but at the same time I hate being me. I do read a lot and watch a lot of movies. I have always had a very good imagination. I sometimes wish I didn't have a imagination. Please tell me there is someone else out there like me. Even writing this, I feel like I am being a hypocandiact. I want help, I want a name for whats wrong with me, but at the same time I don't want to know. I want to be helped, but don't. I need it I know, but am really scared. I truly think I feel this way, but also think it could be my imgination. Please help. What should I do? Am I a hypocondriact? I really don't want to be.WOW!! wat the ***l! I want to cry because I feel like I wrote this myself and have no memory of it! whoever you are, thank you - you could not have described this more perfectly. And someone responded with "you don't need a label" and that's what I've been trying to tell myself for so long... It's as though I NEED a label to define who I am...even though a label is NOTHING but just another word...meaningless. Wow, I can't get over how every single letter in that entire paragraph came together to describe EXACTLY how I also am, how I think, how I behave, how I judge things, how I analyse things....wow. ok. im seriously in ... i don't know what I feel. wow.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
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  • I know I have depression, I am on medication for it, and I know it is a symptom of my actual medical problem. What I don't understand is sometimes, I have a WANT to have something wrong with me. Not to die or have a lot of harm come to me but maybe something to get more attention, I'm not sure. I don't want to die, but I want to know what people would do without me. Most of the time I think of the worst possible thing that could happen to me or sometimes even a loved one, and give myself a panic attack or a asthma attack. Like while passing a car I start imagining getting into a car wreck. I also will think that if I could just stop in the road (while walking)and "get hurt" maybe then people will appreciate me more. The same is true with a medical condition, I want to "have" something majorly wrong with me sometimes, just so people would appreciate me more. I sometimes want to get pregnant just for the attention. Or I think about being "kidnapped" so I can escape. It doesn't make sense to me. I am consistantly worrying about something. I sometimes feel like a hypocondriact. I take things too personally, and am easily upset. I don't like the unexpected, but want unexpected things to happen. I don't like new unless I am in charge of when it happens, and I love going on adventures. I hate taking risks, but love to do it anyways. I don't want to be around anyone, yet miss the company of them when I am alone. I feel anger towards others when they have a problem, but hope they get better, and then at the same time I want to have what they have wrong also. I want everything to go my way, but never expect it to. I see a movie, or read a book and I want to be a certain character in it. So I can experience those same situations. Either bad or good or exciting or suspenseful. I want to have fun, exciting, new, unexpected, dramatic, painful, and horrible things happen to me. But not really. I am scared of change, but welcome it. I overthink everything. Thinking of the worse possible thing that could happen. But then when I really should be thinking what could happen, I don't. I don't understand it, it scares me sometimes, and I turn to things to help me get away from it, like alcohol. Sometimes I think i am overexaggerating even about this. I don't know what to think. It's like I lie to myself, while at the same time I despise lying. I can't think of another way to describe it. I like being me but at the same time I hate being me. I do read a lot and watch a lot of movies. I have always had a very good imagination. I sometimes wish I didn't have a imagination. Please tell me there is someone else out there like me. Even writing this, I feel like I am being a hypocandiact. I want help, I want a name for whats wrong with me, but at the same time I don't want to know. I want to be helped, but don't. I need it I know, but am really scared. I truly think I feel this way, but also think it could be my imgination. Please help. What should I do? Am I a hypocondriact? I really don't want to be.thank you for posting this i figured i wasn't the only person out there with this problem, but i was beginning to wonder (and go a little crazy) i've done research of my own and i think its mostly borderline disorder. ps. im also a 15 year old boy, and i know this is not just normal teenager stuff, my friends (few that i have) think im insane and i have been very close to suicide multiple times.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • You are not alone. I am 31 years old and feel the exact same thing. Good for you that you have tried seeking medical help while I am still battling over it. I don't know if I should seek psychotherapy or just wait for time to heal my depression on its own.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • You should always take second opinion form some good psychiatrist even if you are taking service of one ,Moreover you can search the internet for similar cases their are some website that can provide list of another sites with people of similar cases.Nervous system diseases
    violadav 2 Replies
    • September 14, 2011
    • 04:49 AM
    • 0
    Flag this Response
  • You should always take second opinion form some good psychiatrist even if you are taking service of one ,Moreover you can search the internet for similar cases their are some website that can provide list of another sites with people of similar cases.
    violadav 2 Replies
    • September 14, 2011
    • 04:50 AM
    • 0
    Flag this Response
  • I know how you feel, I am currently going through what you do, like I question myself and what I do, I climb up trees and watch people, someone new to me, when I'm trying to get to know them, it's my way of feeling that I can understand the real them, if they lie to everyone or just me, I know that I have anxiety because I hate people even just looking at me, I will change my route home to avoid crowds and I constantly worry about stupid little things. People asking questions or just asking for help annoys me and makes me want to just lash out at them, I know that I need help but I'm too afraid to get it because then if I do I'll know it's all true, my scars and bad attitude, feel insecure and it scares me. Sometimes I day dream my death and it makes me smile. I have sleepless nights and days where I could just lay in bed all day staring at the ceiling. I have days where I just feel numb and nothing can cheer me up, everyday at some point I feel like cutting or suicide or overdose
    Anonymous 1 Replies
    • September 28, 2015
    • 03:42 PM
    • 0
    Flag this Response
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