Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

I don't know what's wrong with me...please help

Posted In: Mental conditions 13 Replies
  • Posted By: LostConfused1854
  • May 20, 2010
  • 04:41 AM

I don't know where to start. I am 20 years old.

First:

For as long as I can remember, I have had fantasy worlds. I would "roleplay" on my own. I would act like I lived in a world with either made up characters, or people from tv shows and movies. It got to the point where I wanted to be in these worlds moreso than in the real world. I would daydream about this world while in school. I wanted to spend time with these "people" more than real people. This had gotten a little better for a while. I ignored the desire to be in this world. Sometimes I would just play it through in my head, but other times I would actually act it out. Including doing things such as "making out" with one of the people (which is just air), hugging people, talking to people, dancing with people, etc. I would have different background stories for myself. Including things such as parents were murdered, I was a victim of attempted murder, I was raped, I was in a psych ward, I was suicidal, etc. It doesn't seem to go away.

Second:

I have found myself...hoping? Desiring? Wishing? I don't know what verb to use to describe it. But I would find myself wishing I could be raped. And that makes me feel sick, cause I know it is disgusting and wrong. Yet part of me wants to go through it. I have thought the same things about being kidnapped, almost killed, etc.

Third:

I continue to do things that I know I shouldn't do. While I am doing these things, I know that I shouldn't. I even think "I shouldn't be doing this". But I keep on doing it. Things like looking at ***n, or masturbating, or embracing the thoughts and feelings from the fantasy worlds.

Fourth:

I occasionally have a hard time discerning what is real and what is not. Like I will have a memory, and not know if it really happened or if I imagined it in one of my fantasy worlds. Also, even though I have never been through certain things, I find myself relating to those who have, either in real life or even just in media (tv and movies). Things like having family murdered, being an orphan, being raped, being attacked, being abused, etc.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I think part of me hopes that there is an actual disorder that I have. Something that I can be diagnosed with. Cause at least then, I could get help.

Is it just me? Am I just perverted or demented? Am I just messed up? Or is there actually something wrong with me?

I can't talk to my parents about any of this. I wouldn't even know where to start in terms of talking to a doctor/psychiatrist. Plus, there is no way I would be able to pay for that. So I don't know what I am supposed to do. Any insight, advice, or help you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

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13 Replies:

  • Things like looking at ***n, or masturbating What you are talking about there are perfectly normal things for both males and females to do. There is nothing wrong in this normal act. (If you thou had a sexual partner and looking at ***n interfered with the sex life you had with your partner.. then that could be said to be excessive and abnormal some). i wonder about what kind of upbringing you had seeing you are veiwing things that as normal as so abnormal. .............. Sexual fantasies are normal too.. everyone has them. Fantasies of being raped are common. The sexual statistics on the Oprah Windfrey show the other day on those who wish to be sexually dominated was more then 50% of women do. i know many many guys also have the same kind of fantasties of being sexually Dominated... (this can include being raped). ....... im wondering something as you seem so in your head and worrying... do you have many friends? do you have trouble sleeping at night? do you have trouble understanding others at times? Maybe your issue isnt what you think it is
    taniaaust1 2267 Replies Flag this Response
  • The thing is that whenever watching **********y or engaging in masturbation, I feel guilty afterwards. This isn't because of anything anyone has told me. I feel it deep down. Yet I continue to do it. I know that sexual fantasies are normal. And I have heard that about wanting to be dominated. But that is not the reason I dream about it happening to me. I want it to happen because it would be traumatic. It would mean that I would have a reason to feel the way I do about certain things. It would cause other people to care about me. That is why it wasn't just focused on rape. I also said I have dreamed about being kidnapped, or almost killed, etc. I do have quite a few friends. And they are great. This hasn't always been the case. I used to have only a couple of friends. They weren't really great friends. I believe they used me a lot, and we are not longer friends. But that is not the case now. I do occasionally have trouble falling asleep. And I almost always wake up several times throughout the night. It is rare for me to sleep through the night. I guess I may have trouble understanding others at times. But most of the time I think I am able to relate pretty well.I appreciate your response. But I do feel that you are downplaying what I am feeling and dealing with. I truly belive that there is something wrong with me inside. A few things (in addition to what I have already stated that I struggle with) are: being attracted to many people (including kids 10+; I would never act on it, but those thoughts are still there and it makes me sick), having thoughts/dreams of family members dying-I know it is probably common if you think of it in a certain way. But that is not the way that it occurs for me. I imagine scenarios and fake worlds in which my parents are killed, or my brother is killed. I imagine my house burning down. I imagine being in accidents. I have imagined alternate realities where my parents died when I was young and I went from foster home to foster home. I have spend time trying to figure out how to commit the "perfect" murder. Granted, I am a writer, so I tend to come up with some really strange ideas.I have been a fan of crime shows for a while (like NCIS, CSI, Criminal Minds, etc.). I don't believe these are the causes for these thoughts, though. I believe I had these thoughts even before watching these shows. But I tend to relate quite well to some of the "unsubs" in Criminal Minds. And that really scares me. I have all of these thoughts of doing things, or of things happening. I do not believe I am actually capable of doing any of these things. I can barely get myself to kill a bug, let alone do something that would cause such severe damage. I just feel that there is something wrong with me. Why else would all of these things happen to me? Why would I imagine all of these things? If you have any ideas, please let me know.
    LostConfused1854 6 Replies Flag this Response
  • It sounds like a case of OCD. Thinking of things when you don't want to is a big symptom of that. The wanting to be raped, or killed really sounds like a need to almost "get it over with" before it can even happen. It sounds like you have already worked though the emotions in your head and feel like they are going to happen to you. Waiting for it even. If you're stressed enough about something your mind might be trying to (in a highly stressful way) work through its problems, or at least that's the way I think about it. I suffer from some of the same symptoms and was diagnosed with a very slight, but still there problem with OCD, and can seriously relate to thoughts like that. I hope this helps you! Feel free to comment back.
    sparkie 3 Replies Flag this Response
  • Thank you. I have had a couple friends jokingly say that they think I have slight OCD, but for reasons other than this. But whenever I have looked it up online, I never seem to fit the symptoms, so I figured I wasn't. Could all of these things truly be caused by a slight case of OCD? How do you handle it? How do you get through it? Is there any way to stop doing and thinking these things? I appreciate your help so far. Thank you.
    LostConfused1854 6 Replies Flag this Response
  • Thank you. I have had a couple friends jokingly say that they think I have slight OCD, but for reasons other than this. But whenever I have looked it up online, I never seem to fit the symptoms, so I figured I wasn't. Could all of these things truly be caused by a slight case of OCD? How do you handle it? How do you get through it? Is there any way to stop doing and thinking these things? I appreciate your help so far. Thank you.I have had the exact same thoughts as you do, and let me tell you, it's not the end of the world :). There is hope, my friend, don't give in to your feelings.I was diagnosted earlier this year with a slight case of OCD by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I'm currently in therapy and under medication (sertraline, 100mg), and I'm feeling much better than I did before. I still have my fantasy worlds, but I'm much more focused in real life rather than my fantasies. I no longer feel guilty about masturbation, sex, or any other sexual thoughts or actions. My compulsions have decreased to almost 0.I've always thought that I was a maniac, that I would go completly crazy any moment and do something horrible to the people around me. I've had fantasy worlds aswell, thoughts about being raped, abused, hurt, orphaned, etc. But with the combination of pills and therapy, all has changed for the better :).Stop thinking you're crazy, 'cause you're not! Lots of people go through the same issues we've go through, and have been healed. Go as soon as possible to a psychologist and tell him/her everything you think or feel. Only this will lead to an accurate analysis of your personality. If you don't feel comfortable with your psychologist, go to another! It's almost imperative that you feel in a safe and able to say everything in therapy. And DO NOT SELF-MEDICATE! Ever! If you feel the need to take medications, go to a psychiatrist first!Don't lose hope!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • First off: If you contact your local MHMR (mental health/mental retardation) office, they may be able to find you financial assistance to see a psychiatrist or therapist. Or help you apply for medical assistance (which would cover this.)Secondly:Have you had something traumatic happen in your childhood? Dissociation is a coping skill utilized to cope with past traumatic events. Remember: what may not seem traumatic to an adult can be horribly traumatic to a child such as a parent driving off and leaving you alone, witnessing acts or violence, being a victim of acts of violence, verbal abuse even, etc. I lot of people who may have been raised with sex and or sexual discussion in the household develop deep seated feelings of shame regarding sex and may in fact obsess over the "taboo" subject. I am no downgrading your issues, I do understand they are quite distressing for you. If you are concerned that you are possibly addicted to ***n and pornographic materials may I suggest attending a 12 step program. These are free, and you don't have to share. If they don't have a 12 step program just for sexual addictions issues, try attending an AA or NA group. The programs are set up very similar. I hope this is helpful to you.
    ferretlady 7 Replies Flag this Response
  • Thank you. All of this can really be caused by a slight case of OCD? That just seems so surreal...What should I do if I don't know how to get a psychologist or psychiatrist? I don't have very much money...I barely have enough to get through school this year. How am I supposed to get enough to go see a psychologist? What does that medication do? Are the fantasy worlds less prevalent? Other symptoms go away with this treatment?I'm sorry for all of the questions. I just want to understand what is going on with me. That is another problem that I seem to have. I can never accept things without knowing why or how. It isn't always a good thing. I know it is good to not accept things blindly, but it is like I need to understand everything about something before accepting it or believing it.Anyway, I greatly appreciate your help. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
    LostConfused1854 6 Replies Flag this Response
  • Thank you. All of this can really be caused by a slight case of OCD? That just seems so surreal...What should I do if I don't know how to get a psychologist or psychiatrist? I don't have very much money...I barely have enough to get through school this year. How am I supposed to get enough to go see a psychologist? What does that medication do? Are the fantasy worlds less prevalent? Other symptoms go away with this treatment?I'm sorry for all of the questions. I just want to understand what is going on with me. That is another problem that I seem to have. I can never accept things without knowing why or how. It isn't always a good thing. I know it is good to not accept things blindly, but it is like I need to understand everything about something before accepting it or believing it.Anyway, I greatly appreciate your help. Thank you for taking the time to respond.Don't worry, I'm glad I can help you with this, I know how distressing it is.I don't really know what kind of options for therapy you have on your country, I've read that in the US there are free psychologists, but I'm not really sure, 'cause I'm not from around there. I'm sorry I can't help you with that, but a quick search on Google should throw some options available for you :).Sertraline is a SSRI, an antidepressive, but it is commonly used as treatment for OCD. It's really good, with little adverse effects. Wikipedia can explain better that I can: "OCD has been linked to abnormalities with the neurotransmitter serotonin, although it could be either a cause or an effect of these abnormalities. Serotonin is thought to have a role in regulating anxiety. To send chemical messages from one neuron to another, serotonin must bind to the receptor sites located on the neighboring nerve cell. It is hypothesized that the serotonin receptors of OCD sufferers may be relatively understimulated." The article in Wiki is really good, give it a look: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder#BiologicalOn my case, I had to struggle with my issues with security: I had to make sure EVERYONE I cared about were safe, and I had rituals to make sure they were ok. I also checked on everything multiple times, couldn't leave my house without going through everything at least 5 times. Medication helped A LOT with this, I no longer have the necessity to do this rituals to be calm.The fantasy world presence in my life has diminished, but has not fully go away. I do not see this as something bad, though, I like my fantasy worlds :P, so I just try to use them as a fun activity to do when I'm bored rather than an escape route from my real life.If you have any other questions, I'll be glad to help you with what I can.Cheers!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies Flag this Response
  • Don't worry, I'm glad I can help you with this, I know how distressing it is.I don't really know what kind of options for therapy you have on your country, I've read that in the US there are free psychologists, but I'm not really sure, 'cause I'm not from around there. I'm sorry I can't help you with that, but a quick search on Google should throw some options available for you :).Sertraline is a SSRI, an antidepressive, but it is commonly used as treatment for OCD. It's really good, with little adverse effects. Wikipedia can explain better that I can: "OCD has been linked to abnormalities with the neurotransmitter serotonin, although it could be either a cause or an effect of these abnormalities. Serotonin is thought to have a role in regulating anxiety. To send chemical messages from one neuron to another, serotonin must bind to the receptor sites located on the neighboring nerve cell. It is hypothesized that the serotonin receptors of OCD sufferers may be relatively understimulated." The article in Wiki is really good, give it a look: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder#BiologicalOn my case, I had to struggle with my issues with security: I had to make sure EVERYONE I cared about were safe, and I had rituals to make sure they were ok. I also checked on everything multiple times, couldn't leave my house without going through everything at least 5 times. Medication helped A LOT with this, I no longer have the necessity to do this rituals to be calm.The fantasy world presence in my life has diminished, but has not fully go away. I do not see this as something bad, though, I like my fantasy worlds :P, so I just try to use them as a fun activity to do when I'm bored rather than an escape route from my real life.If you have any other questions, I'll be glad to help you with what I can.Cheers!Thank you very much. That is very helpful. I will see about researching possible options for therapy. Thank you for your help :)
    LostConfused1854 6 Replies Flag this Response
  • First off: If you contact your local MHMR (mental health/mental retardation) office, they may be able to find you financial assistance to see a psychiatrist or therapist. Or help you apply for medical assistance (which would cover this.)Secondly:Have you had something traumatic happen in your childhood? Dissociation is a coping skill utilized to cope with past traumatic events. Remember: what may not seem traumatic to an adult can be horribly traumatic to a child such as a parent driving off and leaving you alone, witnessing acts or violence, being a victim of acts of violence, verbal abuse even, etc. I lot of people who may have been raised with sex and or sexual discussion in the household develop deep seated feelings of shame regarding sex and may in fact obsess over the "taboo" subject. I am no downgrading your issues, I do understand they are quite distressing for you. If you are concerned that you are possibly addicted to ***n and pornographic materials may I suggest attending a 12 step program. These are free, and you don't have to share. If they don't have a 12 step program just for sexual addictions issues, try attending an AA or NA group. The programs are set up very similar. I hope this is helpful to you.Hi. What do you mean by dissociation? I have heard of it before, and I think I know the general description of it. What would be done to make that better? What would the treatment be?And I don't know about something traumatic. I mean, one possible thing could be that about 5 people that I knew died within a 6 year period when I was 8-14. There might be other things, but I tend to have a hard time remembering a lot of things from before I was 7ish. Sexual discussions were never common in my house. Neither was shaming it. It just kinda wasn't talked about in general. So I don't know about that...Thank you for your help. I will try looking into that.
    LostConfused1854 6 Replies Flag this Response
  • i think you just described my life.i am 16 years old and everything and i mean EVERYTHING you mentioned happens to me. i need to talk more with you can i get your email address or something?
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 16, 2011
    • 05:58 PM
    • 0
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  • i think you just described my life.i am 16 years old and everything and i mean EVERYTHING you mentioned happens to me. i need to talk more with you can i get your email address or something?Hey. I'm sorry, I haven't been on here in a long time so I didn't see your response. You aren't registered, so I don't know if you would check on here again, but if you do check and you still want to talk, let me know and I can give you my email. I hope you're doing okay, and again, I'm sorry it took me so long to respond.
    LostConfused1854 6 Replies Flag this Response
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