I don't know where to start. I am 20 years old.
For as long as I can remember, I have had fantasy worlds. I would "roleplay" on my own. I would act like I lived in a world with either made up characters, or people from tv shows and movies. It got to the point where I wanted to be in these worlds moreso than in the real world. I would daydream about this world while in school. I wanted to spend time with these "people" more than real people. This had gotten a little better for a while. I ignored the desire to be in this world. Sometimes I would just play it through in my head, but other times I would actually act it out. Including doing things such as "making out" with one of the people (which is just air), hugging people, talking to people, dancing with people, etc. I would have different background stories for myself. Including things such as parents were murdered, I was a victim of attempted murder, I was raped, I was in a psych ward, I was suicidal, etc. It doesn't seem to go away.
I have found myself...hoping? Desiring? Wishing? I don't know what verb to use to describe it. But I would find myself wishing I could be raped. And that makes me feel sick, cause I know it is disgusting and wrong. Yet part of me wants to go through it. I have thought the same things about being kidnapped, almost killed, etc.
I continue to do things that I know I shouldn't do. While I am doing these things, I know that I shouldn't. I even think "I shouldn't be doing this". But I keep on doing it. Things like looking at ***n, or masturbating, or embracing the thoughts and feelings from the fantasy worlds.
I occasionally have a hard time discerning what is real and what is not. Like I will have a memory, and not know if it really happened or if I imagined it in one of my fantasy worlds. Also, even though I have never been through certain things, I find myself relating to those who have, either in real life or even just in media (tv and movies). Things like having family murdered, being an orphan, being raped, being attacked, being abused, etc.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I think part of me hopes that there is an actual disorder that I have. Something that I can be diagnosed with. Cause at least then, I could get help.
Is it just me? Am I just perverted or demented? Am I just messed up? Or is there actually something wrong with me?
I can't talk to my parents about any of this. I wouldn't even know where to start in terms of talking to a doctor/psychiatrist. Plus, there is no way I would be able to pay for that. So I don't know what I am supposed to do. Any insight, advice, or help you could provide would be greatly appreciated.
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