Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

I'm suicidal, but I'm not depressed. I don't even know.

Posted In: Mental conditions 4 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • May 2, 2011
  • 02:23 AM

I've been to 2 psychiatrists (Or head doctors as I like to call them.) but medication didn't work and I found it creepy how they kept trying to be my friend, so I don't bother with them anymore, however I do see a social worker (Hazel) and my family doctor (Hall) weekly.
Everyone thinks I'm depressed but I'm not really, I don't feel particularly sad or down until these "moments" hit. I've attempted suicide 4 times, set it up 3 times, and fantasize about it (In a serious manner, not just a passing thought) 2 times a day, unless I've left the house, then it get's bad, but I don't feel sad any other times except when these moments hit, (and even then they have to hit hard) and after they've passed so does the sadness.
After a while (After seeing my school Guidance Couselor for a month and a half) I started just giving people what they wanted and claimed depression, I say it's all the time, but it's not, they also only know about 2 suicide attempts (The pain always got to me and I'd stop) and a few cut up legs.
I honestly have no idea why this happens, my life is good, always has been. I feel like an ******e for putting my family through this for no reason.
I know since I'm not honest with people they can't help, so I've been trying to help myself. I try to keep myself distracted, but I lose interest so fast that it never works for long.

I try to tell myself that this is just because I'm 16 and all teenagers go through it. But I've always been suicidal, for as long as I can remember.
it's only been during the past year and a half that I've been acting on it.
2 years ago I use to like to write, now all my stories end with dead people.
I hate this, I hate being like this, ***l if it could just go back to being thoughts and that's all I'd be ecstatic.
The last time I attempted suicide was 3 weeks ago, when my Grandparents and uncles were visiting, I took a bottle sleep pills (prescribed.) Apparentally I did it wrong, so now I feel like even more of an ******e for ruining my parents night with their family for even less of a reason.
Is there a illness for this? I've read the pamphlets for depression, but I just don't feel as it says I should feel.
If this is just a passing teenager thing, please tell me, so atleast I know if I hold out long enough it'll end. Maybe it happened early because I hit puberty early? (9yr old) I have horrible memory so I can only remember til 8-9 and I was like this (mild form of this) then, so finger's crossed..

Sorry for spelling/grammar mistakes. Also if I'm kind of jumbled or all over the place.
I'm not quite sure what I came to this site for.. Reasurrance, maybe? For what, I'm not sure.

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4 Replies:

  • hi... these kind of symptoms do often seen on teenage period, so it is better not to worry and don't take some silly things and imagine it as a big thing. drug rehab
    judthryn 1 Replies Flag this Response
  • I've been to 2 psychiatrists (Or head doctors as I like to call them.) but medication didn't work and I found it creepy how they kept trying to be my friend, so I don't bother with them anymore, however I do see a social worker (Hazel) and my family doctor (Hall) weekly. Everyone thinks I'm depressed but I'm not really, I don't feel particularly sad or down until these "moments" hit. I've attempted suicide 4 times, set it up 3 times, and fantasize about it (In a serious manner, not just a passing thought) 2 times a day, unless I've left the house, then it get's bad, but I don't feel sad any other times except when these moments hit, (and even then they have to hit hard) and after they've passed so does the sadness.After a while (After seeing my school Guidance Couselor for a month and a half) I started just giving people what they wanted and claimed depression, I say it's all the time, but it's not, they also only know about 2 suicide attempts (The pain always got to me and I'd stop) and a few cut up legs. I honestly have no idea why this happens, my life is good, always has been. I feel like an ******e for putting my family through this for no reason. I know since I'm not honest with people they can't help, so I've been trying to help myself. I try to keep myself distracted, but I lose interest so fast that it never works for long. I try to tell myself that this is just because I'm 16 and all teenagers go through it. But I've always been suicidal, for as long as I can remember.it's only been during the past year and a half that I've been acting on it. 2 years ago I use to like to write, now all my stories end with dead people. I hate this, I hate being like this, ***l if it could just go back to being thoughts and that's all I'd be ecstatic. The last time I attempted suicide was 3 weeks ago, when my Grandparents and uncles were visiting, I took a bottle sleep pills (prescribed.) Apparentally I did it wrong, so now I feel like even more of an ******e for ruining my parents night with their family for even less of a reason.Is there a illness for this? I've read the pamphlets for depression, but I just don't feel as it says I should feel. If this is just a passing teenager thing, please tell me, so atleast I know if I hold out long enough it'll end. Maybe it happened early because I hit puberty early? (9yr old) I have horrible memory so I can only remember til 8-9 and I was like this (mild form of this) then, so finger's crossed.. Sorry for spelling/grammar mistakes. Also if I'm kind of jumbled or all over the place. I'm not quite sure what I came to this site for.. Reasurrance, maybe? For what, I'm not sure. No two cases of depression are the same, there are no two people the same, we all feel things differently. Clinical depression may not even make you feel depressed, you may always feel purely anxious, or a combination or something else.Sorry I can't reassure except to say it is best to talk to your parents about how you feel, they may be able to help. Plus don't give up, it could be hormonal - mood is affected by hormonal changes for good and bad, feeling high, low, anxious, suicidal can all be down to small imbalances in levels of adrenaline and Noradrenaline and Cortisol and Dopamine etc. Not knowing you it could be situational or a lot of other things. But make the first step, confide in your parents, just them understanding may be a step on the road to feeling validated and a step on the road to getting past this stage. Life doesn't have to be like this.All the best to you and I hope that you get the help you need to blossom into a proper life.
    harveya 4 Replies Flag this Response
  • are you angry at someone or the world?
    Johnny Appleseed 3 Replies Flag this Response
  • Teens often do have more issues I think with this kind of thing due to adjusting to hormones and life changes ... so release that it may improve. 2 years ago I use to like to write, now all my stories end with dead people. That doesnt sound like an occassional thing. It is possible to have depression and not realise it esp if one has been like it for a long time. The above quote sounds like depression................ There is also the possibility that you could have a personality disorder eg borderline personality disorder. Those who have BPD often think of suicide and may try it, they also self harm... cutting is something many with BPD do. BPD starts to be noticable in childhood or teen years. A BPD person may be happy one moment and sad the next.. then happy again a short time later. With BPD.. situations (sometimes small things) trigger rapid mood swings or bouts of depression which dont last long at all (a few hrs to only few days). You thou didnt say that your swings happen when you get triggered off so I dont think BPD is your issue............ It may be good idea to keep a record of when you are worst.. in cause your hormones are triggering you off more
    taniaaust1 2267 Replies Flag this Response
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