I've been to 2 psychiatrists (Or head doctors as I like to call them.) but medication didn't work and I found it creepy how they kept trying to be my friend, so I don't bother with them anymore, however I do see a social worker (Hazel) and my family doctor (Hall) weekly.
Everyone thinks I'm depressed but I'm not really, I don't feel particularly sad or down until these "moments" hit. I've attempted suicide 4 times, set it up 3 times, and fantasize about it (In a serious manner, not just a passing thought) 2 times a day, unless I've left the house, then it get's bad, but I don't feel sad any other times except when these moments hit, (and even then they have to hit hard) and after they've passed so does the sadness.
After a while (After seeing my school Guidance Couselor for a month and a half) I started just giving people what they wanted and claimed depression, I say it's all the time, but it's not, they also only know about 2 suicide attempts (The pain always got to me and I'd stop) and a few cut up legs.
I honestly have no idea why this happens, my life is good, always has been. I feel like an ******e for putting my family through this for no reason.
I know since I'm not honest with people they can't help, so I've been trying to help myself. I try to keep myself distracted, but I lose interest so fast that it never works for long.
I try to tell myself that this is just because I'm 16 and all teenagers go through it. But I've always been suicidal, for as long as I can remember.
it's only been during the past year and a half that I've been acting on it.
2 years ago I use to like to write, now all my stories end with dead people.
I hate this, I hate being like this, ***l if it could just go back to being thoughts and that's all I'd be ecstatic.
The last time I attempted suicide was 3 weeks ago, when my Grandparents and uncles were visiting, I took a bottle sleep pills (prescribed.) Apparentally I did it wrong, so now I feel like even more of an ******e for ruining my parents night with their family for even less of a reason.
Is there a illness for this? I've read the pamphlets for depression, but I just don't feel as it says I should feel.
If this is just a passing teenager thing, please tell me, so atleast I know if I hold out long enough it'll end. Maybe it happened early because I hit puberty early? (9yr old) I have horrible memory so I can only remember til 8-9 and I was like this (mild form of this) then, so finger's crossed..
Sorry for spelling/grammar mistakes. Also if I'm kind of jumbled or all over the place.
I'm not quite sure what I came to this site for.. Reasurrance, maybe? For what, I'm not sure.