Hello to anyone who reads this. I'm on here because frankly, I have no one to talk to about the way I've been feeling for the majority of my teenage life. I'm about to be twenty years old and I can honestly say that I absolutely get no enjoyment out of anything that I do. Its like my entire life is one big lie. People all around me think i'm so lively and energetic but the reality is, its all a front.
Its so hard pretending to be happy and I don't know why i'm not. If i go out with my friends, I can only keep up the act of being happy for so long before I start to withdrawl and want to be left alone. If i'm at work I have to go to the lockeroom and convince myself that i'm excited to be there but it never last. When there's family get togethers, its not long before I go and lock myself in my room to get away from everybody. Relationships are hard for me and never last because I don't want the person i'm involved with to realize how empty I am as a person so I push them away.
Even as I write this now, all I feel is emptiness. My mother says its a phase but the truth is i've felt this way for a long time. I'm also obsessed with the way I look. I'm constantly looking in the mirror and thinking about how I look. No matter how much time I spend dressing up and trying to make myself look pretty, I always feel ugly. My mother use to say when we argued, "that i'm just a pretty face but i'm nasty inside". I guess thats because a majority of the time i'm angry, sarcastic, pessimistic and antisocial.
I have a lot of family that love me, friends that try to make me happy, and guys that like me but for some reason it doesn't matter. My heart always feels numb and dull. I get no pleasure out of life and I don't even know why I exist. I feel like I have no purpose in life and i'm dying inside. I've tried to tell people I know all of this but they never have a response. It becomes incredibly awkward so I just say nevermind, i'm just being dramatic.
I don't know how I got to this point in my life. I never use to be this way but I find myself giving in more and more to these feelings. I don't know what to do anymore to better myself. Is there anyone out there that can give me some good advice and constructive criticism?