Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

i am miserable

Posted In: Mental conditions 6 Replies
  • Posted By: dudenomore
  • January 20, 2010
  • 07:42 PM

I am miserable. I have been for 5 years. Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend at the time and forced myself to put through separation papers to cover my **s, had to sell my house which I loved and put a lot of work into it, lost my closest friends and was put in the psych ward for some time by my parents. I was put on zyprexa and I started having premunitions like when the phone was going to ring I would think it was for me. Now im on risperdal, ive been on it for 4 or so years because i was hearing voices in my head, you know the ones that are parents and family telling you that youre going the wrong way in life, screaming at you when you do the wrong thing. I dont feel anything, except guilt and its muted, very shallow guilt. I cant cry, ive tried and I cant. I think I am evil and manipulative, always scheming my mind out of situations and thinking ahead, relying on my scheming to get through life and work. Work is going really bad, I cant really perform the way im used to, and I ALWAYS come into this barricade when it comes to fixing something that has to do with "security" or "locks" or anything of that respect, its like a psychological block I get frustrated because I dont feel any emotion ever.

I used to be happy and industrious. I used to feel a range of emotions, now i dont even feel anything except this nagging feeling I cant describe, its like if there was a cage around my heart and nothing gets in nothing gets out. I think A LOT, all the time thinking, about the same things all the time. I see a psychiatrist whos told me so many things like I have a "slight" mood disorder, to I am schitzotypal personality disordered. I hold on to the "truth" about reality inside my head, the events that led me to this point, including the living moment which is very painful. I feel pain in all my body all the time, its not physical pain, its like nagging bondage. Since the medication started I got these abcesses all over my inner tighs that bleed all the time, I have like 5 of them, plus a pylonodial sinus on my tailbone which was excised and it came back with a vengance. My right breast is tender for some time now, and I catch myself about to drool quite often. I avoid social events and people, and I avoid talking as much as possible so I am pretty mute all day long unless I am talking about this problem which I am describing which is all I think about. I havent been aroused in years, which could be caused by my depression (which i have been diagnosed with at least by my family doctor).

What is wrong with me? When is this going to be over? I want my old life back with feelings and emotions and enthusiasm and so on. I want my spark back. I want to feel alive. I dont even know how to put into words what it is that I am missing because I dont even remember what it is or what it feels like. I am trapped.

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6 Replies:

  • When i am not miserable as I was when I posted this message, I am anxious and thought vigilant, constantly worrying about getting fired or not being able to do the work, cant concentrate on anything except that and it makes me surrender to my thinking. Thats why i posted a second note on here, because even though i have estimates to prepare, I dont know how I am able to do it feeling like this. My doctor said that I should go on disability but I dont want to stop working at such an early age and not working is like giving up altogether, at least at work i am fighting to stay alive, or do I want to kill this person I have become? I dont know.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 20, 2010
    • 09:26 PM
    • 0
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  • I am miserable. I have been for 5 years. Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend at the time and forced myself to put through separation papers to cover my **s, had to sell my house which I loved and put a lot of work into it, lost my closest friends and was put in the psych ward for some time by my parents. I was put on zyprexa and I started having premunitions like when the phone was going to ring I would think it was for me. Now im on risperdal, ive been on it for 4 or so years because i was hearing voices in my head, you know the ones that are parents and family telling you that youre going the wrong way in life, screaming at you when you do the wrong thing. I dont feel anything, except guilt and its muted, very shallow guilt. I cant cry, ive tried and I cant. I think I am evil and manipulative, always scheming my mind out of situations and thinking ahead, relying on my scheming to get through life and work. Work is going really bad, I cant really perform the way im used to, and I ALWAYS come into this barricade when it comes to fixing something that has to do with "security" or "locks" or anything of that respect, its like a psychological block I get frustrated because I dont feel any emotion ever. I used to be happy and industrious. I used to feel a range of emotions, now i dont even feel anything except this nagging feeling I cant describe, its like if there was a cage around my heart and nothing gets in nothing gets out. I think A LOT, all the time thinking, about the same things all the time. I see a psychiatrist whos told me so many things like I have a "slight" mood disorder, to I am schitzotypal personality disordered. I hold on to the "truth" about reality inside my head, the events that led me to this point, including the living moment which is very painful. I feel pain in all my body all the time, its not physical pain, its like nagging bondage. Since the medication started I got these abcesses all over my inner tighs that bleed all the time, I have like 5 of them, plus a pylonodial sinus on my tailbone which was excised and it came back with a vengance. My right breast is tender for some time now, and I catch myself about to drool quite often. I avoid social events and people, and I avoid talking as much as possible so I am pretty mute all day long unless I am talking about this problem which I am describing which is all I think about. I havent been aroused in years, which could be caused by my depression (which i have been diagnosed with at least by my family doctor). What is wrong with me? When is this going to be over? I want my old life back with feelings and emotions and enthusiasm and so on. I want my spark back. I want to feel alive. I dont even know how to put into words what it is that I am missing because I dont even remember what it is or what it feels like. I am trapped.I'm sorry to hear you're in pain. I'm also sorry because I may not have enough time or where with all to say all I thought when I read your post. It's been a long day for me. I am not a professional, just another depressed person in this world. One thing it sounds like is you're either over medicated or on the wrong medications. If I were you, I'd start looking for a new psychiatrist. If you're not getting better and feeling worse, there's no point in seeing the same person. Meds are supposed to help you feel more normal, not less. Another thing I would recommend, is maybe instead of going on disability, how about FMLA? If you've been at the same job for over a year, you'll likely qualify. I had to do that at one point in time and it was probably for the best. Humans are only capable of doing so much and so many have unreal expectations for themselves. Anyway, just hang in there. You're not alone and I'm sure many people care about you!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 21, 2010
    • 03:43 AM
    • 0
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  • One thing it sounds like is you're either over medicated or on the wrong medications. If I were you, I'd start looking for a new psychiatrist. If you're not getting better and feeling worse, there's no point in seeing the same person. Meds are supposed to help you feel more normal, not less. Someone else I spend most of my time with recommended I see another psych, so i booked an appointment with someone at the hospital to see if they can crack the safe. Basically, i didnt want to take the meds at the begining because I am against meds and chemicals but he slowly convinced me to take them and made me see how much worse i got without them (hearing the voices of my relatives in my head and such). now im on 5mg risperidone, and I know its a killer dose, the equivalent to a chemical lobotomy. Bottom line, im not any better on them and i still think a lot and drift off because i dont like my reality.
    dudenomore 1 Replies
    • January 21, 2010
    • 06:27 PM
    • 0
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  • I'm sorry to hear you're in pain. I'm also sorry because I may not have enough time or where with all to say all I thought when I read your post. It's been a long day for me. I am not a professional, just another depressed person in this world. One thing it sounds like is you're either over medicated or on the wrong medications. If I were you, I'd start looking for a new psychiatrist. If you're not getting better and feeling worse, there's no point in seeing the same person. Meds are supposed to help you feel more normal, not less. Another thing I would recommend, is maybe instead of going on disability, how about FMLA? If you've been at the same job for over a year, you'll likely qualify. I had to do that at one point in time and it was probably for the best. Humans are only capable of doing so much and so many have unreal expectations for themselves. Anyway, just hang in there. You're not alone and I'm sure many people care about you!I just cant take it anymore. I cant function properly at work, things are piling up and I cant concentrate, my next appointment is not until the 16th with the new psych which im questioning it is a good move or not, i dont know if i should just stay put and not go on medical leave and push through it or what. i watch the clock desperately for 430 so i can go home.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 21, 2010
    • 09:16 PM
    • 0
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  • I just cant take it anymore. I cant function properly at work, things are piling up and I cant concentrate, my next appointment is not until the 16th with the new psych which im questioning it is a good move or not, i dont know if i should just stay put and not go on medical leave and push through it or what. i watch the clock desperately for 430 so i can go home.That is indeed a tricky question. You might want to take a step back and evaluate things in terms of the bigger picture, which in my opinion is you and your overall health. Hmmm... so I'm inclined to say that (but I could be wrong) this may not be the only job you ever have in life. You have an option of just quitting and taking time to get better, but if you can take time off without losing your job and benefits, and income, that is wayyyy better than just quitting. I'm pretty sure you need to have medical documentation for FMLA or disability, but it sounds like you can get that from your current psych and that may be sufficient for now, depending on the type of leave. I'm also inclined to say, if you can manage a day at work, then keep at it until the 16th (of Feb.?). Because not having benefits and income is a reason for depression for anyone, and you don't want to add to your difficulties. What I would recommend, is that you come up with ways to change little things at work and see if that can help you get by, or even better, improve your productivity. I'm not sure what your job is, but can you change anything about what you see in the day? Something on your desk or the dash of your car? What about planning something for lunch time - go somewhere you've never been and think of it as a new adventure to change up monotony. Do you get breaks? What about walking around the block, office building, or going up and down some stairs during a break? Can you listen to music while you work or even as you drive to and from work? Just try new things!Also, I think it is very important in life to strike a balance between work and life after work. You mentioned you avoid social situations, which I can understand. But is there anything outside of work that helps you by making you laugh, distract you from this problem, inspire you in some way?Do you watch tv? Movies? Have any favorite shows you could stream online? How about hobbies or interests? Art? Mechanical? Craftsmanship? Do you have any pets? Try spending time with them and just appreciate them. How about games or puzzles? This is your time, spend on you and what makes you happy! But also be honest about what happy means, and by that I'm saying avoid drugs and alcohol at all costs! They only complicate things for people with chemical imbalances, not help. One thing that I think is very important is to write about problems. One reason is it helps you get it out of you and won't necessarily influence someone else's opinion of you. Another reason it is important is because it can act like a sort of log or journal of your symptoms and feelings. It can help a psych out so much if you keep track of what is going on, in as much detail as possible. Were you happy one minute, then sad the next? Was there a specific reason you think caused it? What was the time of day? What were you doing? The psych might be able to see some patterns that you may not. Maybe you could use the time before your appointment to prepare for your initial assessment. You'll need to explain your medical history, so maybe prepare it in advance. -- Please keep in mind, that you are you, a very special and unique person. You are not a diagnosis. You are not a disease or illness. You could be someone with a disease or diagnosis, but it does not define you!!! I throw this in because when I have to delve in the past and remember bad times I tend to get depressed over what has happened. But no one can change their past. So if you also feel bothered by what has transpired, then go back to tv, or music, or games. I only recommend this (med history) if you can be emotionally detached from the information. There is a book called "The Four Agreements". One of these agreements people should make with themselves is to always do your best, but at the same time accept that your best will not always be the same! You can only do so much so don't be down on yourself if that isn't as much as you could do the day before. One last suggestion is to focus on the now. Maybe try to just keep your thoughts and actions on right now and don't think ahead past the next hour or even 15 minutes (I know it is easier said than done with controlling some thoughts). You could even try sectioning off your day or time at work. Say to yourself, okay, I'm going to work for the next 30 min on item A, then I'm going to take 10 min to have a break, go into the bathroom, force myself to look in the mirror and smile ten times in a row. And make sure they are goofy as **** smiles! Then say I'm going to go back and work on project B. After that, then plan just the next hour. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself or stuck in the past. All we have is the now. And as was said in a movie, every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around!So hang in there and good luck!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • January 22, 2010
    • 04:06 PM
    • 0
    Flag this Response
  • That is indeed a tricky question. You might want to take a step back and evaluate things in terms of the bigger picture, which in my opinion is you and your overall health. Hmmm... so I'm inclined to say that (but I could be wrong) this may not be the only job you ever have in life. You have an option of just quitting and taking time to get better, but if you can take time off without losing your job and benefits, and income, that is wayyyy better than just quitting. I'm pretty sure you need to have medical documentation for FMLA or disability, but it sounds like you can get that from your current psych and that may be sufficient for now, depending on the type of leave. I went to my appointments and the first (new) doctor asked me for bloodwork. The nurse taking the blood botched up my needle and made my arm feel intense nervous pain which is lingering every time I lift my arm or move my hand, I think she did nerve damage. I hate needles and had the suspicion that the new doctor wanted me to go on a weekly basis. which brings me to the second appointment with my regular doctor. He said that way back in 2007 he had already diagnosed me with a type of schitzophrenia. I closed right up as soon as he said that because I was looking for a different kind of answer like, you have to quit your job or you have to do this or that. No moral guidance whatsoever, just medical advise. He went on about putting me on Clozapine which was what I had feared he wanted me to do because he thinks it will help me improve my cognition but I dont believe him. Its also not a short term solution but a long term one. I was looking for an answer as to what to do, because I feel so lost without direction, like Im walking through a desert and its never going to end. But he doesnt offer any recourse for this, he simply wants to target my symptoms which could be misleading because anything could cause these symptoms. Sounds like Im in a bit of denial I know but I hate drugs, pills, doctors, and the entire medical system. So I'm on my own, if I even can say that because asides from coming to work and doing the little bit that I can (which they are putting more pressure on me now and I havent broken the news about the diagnosis to anyone yet) I am spiraling downward into oblivion.I'm also inclined to say, if you can manage a day at work, then keep at it until the 16th (of Feb.?). Because not having benefits and income is a reason for depression for anyone, and you don't want to add to your difficulties. What I would recommend, is that you come up with ways to change little things at work and see if that can help you get by, or even better, improve your productivity. I'm not sure what your job is, but can you change anything about what you see in the day? Something on your desk or the dash of your car? What about planning something for lunch time - go somewhere you've never been and think of it as a new adventure to change up monotony. Do you get breaks? What about walking around the block, office building, or going up and down some stairs during a break? Can you listen to music while you work or even as you drive to and from work? Just try new things!Its my cognition, its not all there, its like Im high functioning but a shell of myself, I dont like looking in the mirror in fact I avoid it and only look when I do my hair or when I go into an elevator. I dont know what to do other than nothing, which is what I've been doing lately, nothing. Also, I think it is very important in life to strike a balance between work and life after work. You mentioned you avoid social situations, which I can understand. But is there anything outside of work that helps you by making you laugh, distract you from this problem, inspire you in some way?Do you watch tv? Movies? Have any favorite shows you could stream online? How about hobbies or interests? Art? Mechanical? Craftsmanship? Do you have any pets? Try spending time with them and just appreciate them. How about games or puzzles? This is your time, spend on you and what makes you happy! But also be honest about what happy means, and by that I'm saying avoid drugs and alcohol at all costs! They only complicate things for people with chemical imbalances, not help. One thing that I think is very important is to write about problems. One reason is it helps you get it out of you and won't necessarily influence someone else's opinion of you. Another reason it is important is because it can act like a sort of log or journal of your symptoms and feelings. It can help a psych out so much if you keep track of what is going on, in as much detail as possible. Were you happy one minute, then sad the next? Was there a specific reason you think caused it? What was the time of day? What were you doing? The psych might be able to see some patterns that you may not. Maybe you could use the time before your appointment to prepare for your initial assessment. You'll need to explain your medical history, so maybe prepare it in advance. -- Please keep in mind, that you are you, a very special and unique person. You are not a diagnosis. You are not a disease or illness. You could be someone with a disease or diagnosis, but it does not define you!!! I throw this in because when I have to delve in the past and remember bad times I tend to get depressed over what has happened. But no one can change their past. So if you also feel bothered by what has transpired, then go back to tv, or music, or games. I only recommend this (med history) if you can be emotionally detached from the information. There is a book called "The Four Agreements". One of these agreements people should make with themselves is to always do your best, but at the same time accept that your best will not always be the same! You can only do so much so don't be down on yourself if that isn't as much as you could do the day before. One last suggestion is to focus on the now. Maybe try to just keep your thoughts and actions on right now and don't think ahead past the next hour or even 15 minutes (I know it is easier said than done with controlling some thoughts). You could even try sectioning off your day or time at work. Say to yourself, okay, I'm going to work for the next 30 min on item A, then I'm going to take 10 min to have a break, go into the bathroom, force myself to look in the mirror and smile ten times in a row. And make sure they are goofy as **** smiles! Then say I'm going to go back and work on project B. After that, then plan just the next hour. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself or stuck in the past. All we have is the now. And as was said in a movie, every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around!So hang in there and good luck!I'm so fu**ed. I'm not even sure I care anymore. Whats the point in caring if I'm never going to get better, or have feelings ever again? Whats the point?Today I said to myself that it gives me power not having feelings and ever being able to love again because in that respect nobody I know is like me so it gives me power over them to be like this, its ****ed, but it works for me. I guess until i fall apart again which I'm counting the days until that happens. Its always like this, there is a calm period before the storm and then when the storm comes Im stuck in the middle of it and have nowhere to go but sleep. My brother thinks I should go off my medication while my parents think I should stay on it, I dont even have a relationship with them anymore, we just exchange a few words every now and then whenever we see each other at family reunions. The only person I see every other day is this girl who I'm not really dating or having relations with but who is a "friend" (I quote friend because thats not how I remember friends acting towards one another). I'm really just waiting for this bubble to burst, because that always happens.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • February 19, 2010
    • 06:27 PM
    • 0
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