I am miserable. I have been for 5 years. Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend at the time and forced myself to put through separation papers to cover my **s, had to sell my house which I loved and put a lot of work into it, lost my closest friends and was put in the psych ward for some time by my parents. I was put on zyprexa and I started having premunitions like when the phone was going to ring I would think it was for me. Now im on risperdal, ive been on it for 4 or so years because i was hearing voices in my head, you know the ones that are parents and family telling you that youre going the wrong way in life, screaming at you when you do the wrong thing. I dont feel anything, except guilt and its muted, very shallow guilt. I cant cry, ive tried and I cant. I think I am evil and manipulative, always scheming my mind out of situations and thinking ahead, relying on my scheming to get through life and work. Work is going really bad, I cant really perform the way im used to, and I ALWAYS come into this barricade when it comes to fixing something that has to do with "security" or "locks" or anything of that respect, its like a psychological block I get frustrated because I dont feel any emotion ever.
I used to be happy and industrious. I used to feel a range of emotions, now i dont even feel anything except this nagging feeling I cant describe, its like if there was a cage around my heart and nothing gets in nothing gets out. I think A LOT, all the time thinking, about the same things all the time. I see a psychiatrist whos told me so many things like I have a "slight" mood disorder, to I am schitzotypal personality disordered. I hold on to the "truth" about reality inside my head, the events that led me to this point, including the living moment which is very painful. I feel pain in all my body all the time, its not physical pain, its like nagging bondage. Since the medication started I got these abcesses all over my inner tighs that bleed all the time, I have like 5 of them, plus a pylonodial sinus on my tailbone which was excised and it came back with a vengance. My right breast is tender for some time now, and I catch myself about to drool quite often. I avoid social events and people, and I avoid talking as much as possible so I am pretty mute all day long unless I am talking about this problem which I am describing which is all I think about. I havent been aroused in years, which could be caused by my depression (which i have been diagnosed with at least by my family doctor).
What is wrong with me? When is this going to be over? I want my old life back with feelings and emotions and enthusiasm and so on. I want my spark back. I want to feel alive. I dont even know how to put into words what it is that I am missing because I dont even remember what it is or what it feels like. I am trapped.