I guess me posting here is sort of admitting that I am reaching a point soon of no return. Most nights now I wish I was dead, but am too concerned about my kid to bump myself off. Other times I think of bumping us both off – would be easier for him and me, he would not need to grow up I this twisted harsh world. Where to begin…
A few years ago I had an ok life, stay at home mom, son, financially secure. Then I lost everything. We were violently attacked in our house, and I was raped – which no I never dealt with, but got over it by myself. Unfortunately my partner (not married) of 16 years left within a few months, and overnight I became a single mom. I got a reasonable job, moved in with my parents, and have wished every day since then that we were all killed that night, because living this life is just not happening for me.
When I decided to have a child through donor sperm, I had everything planned for my son. Top schools, relatively comfortable life, and I would be able to bring him up, stay at home until he was school going age, etc. Now I cant even offer him any of that.
I almost stabbed my ex partner the day he left, because I hated him so much and he just managed to push the right buttons – I hate myself for even thinking that – but I cant even get over him. 2 years have passed since he left – he has a fancy house (our house), a fancy car, goes out and pretty much has a life. I battle to make ends meet never mind actually affording any luxuries – and yet through two years of really bitter fighting, I still miss the companionship. I cant move on from our ended relationship (which is important to say did not only end because of the assault, but the assault was the final catalyst). This is the only serious relationship I have ever had, my entire adult life was spent with him, and future dating options are just not possible with anyone else. He was my first, and I would not even know how to start dating again. Yet in the same breathe, I hate him so much – he took everything, pretty much leaving us with clothes and toys – and I did not have a job at the time. He walks away with no responsibility, and cant even admit where I relationship failed – but if I hate him so much, why do I still cry over him – its not normal. A part of me thinks that I never even loved him , and that he was just nice to have around, but then how can I hate him…its all just getting so confusing for me.
I moved in with my parents through lack of alternatives. They are now raising my son, against all principles that I believe in. Its stupid things and I know that I should think myself as being lucky to have people to turn to, but this is not the life I wanted for my son, if my parents are to raise him, why bother even having a child. This was the child that I waited 12 years before having, the little boy that I would have done anything to have, and here I am now regretting that I have a child, because I don’t want him to go through the same pain , or have to deal with the fact that I can not provide sufficiently for him. I waited so long to have him – so that his childhood would be perfect, and now we live in a single room, share a single bed, and have absolutely nothing.
I guess what I am looking for is someone to tell me how to move forward – because I cant see a forward any more. Each day is a struggle waking up, each night is a wish to not have to wake up. I have lost all my friends, they were mutual between ex and I – they went with him, and I went alone. I feel like I am this pressure cooker just waiting to explode – because I actually cant cope with living anymore. I don’t want to live anymore, and cant seem to find any form of something tangible to live for.
So yes, I am pretty messed in the head at this point, and I cant see a way out.
Has anyone gone through similar, and how do you pick yourself up afterwards….