I think I need help.
I'll start at the beginning. When I was little my great-grandfather died (old age) and I was there, I wasn't supposed to look at him, but I did, I still can see him in my mind...
After that happened I became very paranoid, before that I had been a carefree happy child with lots of friends, but after I was scared of everything, I kept thinking I was going to die. I lost all my friends and kept to myself. I was always alone, and so so scared, I don't even think I can put it into words how terrifying my early childhood was for me.
To help me feel better my mom started me in sports. I was good, but kept to myself and everyone thought I was mean and stuck up because I was so quite. Which made me even more miserable, I thought something was horribly wrong with me, and became very depressed and insecure.
I met a girl then who became my best friend. I think she really hurt me emotionally. She would always tell me what a bad person I was and how I couldn't do anything right. She then would tell me how I should act and when I acted the way she wanted she would complain and tell me I was just like her brothers (who she couldn't stand). Later I developed a crush on her older brother and she used that against me...
She was one of the reasons I became an anorexic for a time.
Anyway, we finally stopped being friends (after a long long time), her choice, I still remember feeling like I got the wind knocked out of me. I thought I never would recover.
A year later I sorta fell for a guy, and I think he liked me back, matter a fact, I know he did. But I screwed up and became really cold towards him, I didn't mean too, I hated myself for it after I did everything I did. Soon I stopped seeing him, and I became suicidal afterwards. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was my parents.
I then ran into a guy who I used to have a crush on. We flirted a little bit and then he began to ask me about myself and I told him a lot of things I shouldn't have and started crying. He tried to comfort me, but then we I tried to call him later he never called me back. Guess I freaked him out, a lot.
Also, I've never had a boyfriend, I really want true love, but whenever a guy likes me I freak and act so mean to him I send him running. I hate myself for that, but I can't seem to stop.
At present, I'm depressed again, my anorexia has returned, I'm angry and lying all the time, I feel numb, and I'm flunking school. I want to change deep down, but I can't seem to. I need help.