Ok well this is something I wrote in anothe place on March 17th. I think this "hate feeling" I had described is gone now, but it could come back. And I am also aware that It may seem like a bit of manic, but I don't really know.
Basically, for the past few days (it's not as bad the past couple days since I haven't been at school since it's the weekend) I have felt a sort of "high" almost. But not totally in a good way. A little bit like like I want to run around outside and jump and just move around, which i normally feel like I want to do but never do, But i've been doing it a bit whenever i am outside, just jumping and prancing around in the snow i love it. But that is pretty normal ,it's just the sort of "bad high" i'm feeling. A powerful high. I feel like I want to rule, I want to be ruler of people and tell them what to do, I want people to do anything I tell them, and to bow down to me, I want people to fear me. And I hate everything. I feel hatred torwards the stupidest things. Like if the teacher rings this bell she has, which really annoys me to high ***l by the way, I said (out loud, accidently. i dont think anyone heard though) "Ugh! I hate teachers!" or just anything, like water could drop on my head and i'll think "I ****ing hate water" I just hate things that I normally wouldn't hate. It's an unnatural hate that shouldn't be there. And things that i normally hate, like certain cars like mini-vans, SUVS, and any other new-age car, I just constantly groan and complain about, constantly thinking and saying to myself how much i hate them. I just feel like burning them up or just going at them with an axe sometime I get so angry and hatred torwards them. People too, for some reason, most of the time i hate women, something about them *****s me off, how weak they are and stuff. But like, right now i don't really care, like i dont feel i hate women right now, but when i get into that sort of moment I just hate them so much and wish all women were dead. I feel like i have an unlimited supply of hate inside me, attaching it to nearly everything I see, and when i hate those things I get angry at them.
But especially when I am in school (I hate this school, i just always do) I feel like I want to rise above them all, and command them and rule over them, and since i hate that school, i "hate" everyone in it, since my mind associates the school with anyone in it. And hate truely is blind, because I am unable to see or think that these people may be half-decent beings, but i dont believe that since my mind wont let me, it will only let me believe that they are all horrible people. I could say "these people aren't bad people" but i know i am bull****ting myself and my mind still won't except that as an answer. So it is sort of an angry powerful high. A hateful one, not a good joyful one. (not to relate everything to this movie, but once again It sort of feels like in Pink Floyd The Wall movie, when Pink would feel he is like Hitler or a Nazi sometimes, ruling over everyone,like he wants to do that sometimes)
Hate is a very powerful dangerous thing, I even happen to have a book on it that i am re-reading (Why We Hate). I am consumed by hate, controlled by it.
Another thing, That somewhat has to do with this, is that somehow I have gotten this idea into my head that everyone should be punished for their wrong-doings. Everyone should be punished for anything wrong they do. And this too is fueled and created by hate. The feeling about this also comes more strong like the hate thing does, like right now I don't even know why i mean by "punishing people for their wrong-doings". But when i get into that hateful angry mode I feel this. And i feel that I still apply to this rule too. And I feel i have done wrong things in the past (they weren't really "wrong" i guess, just childish, immature, and embarassing. From a year ago and before, i regret it all. Right now i dont really mind, but in that certain mode i shun it and feel it is horrible and that it is wrong) And i feel i also need to be punished for the "horrible" things ive done. It's like two different people, from right now sort of person, to that hate filled person. If you can even call it "person". Even things like if a mother is holding the baby too much ("my" opinion of too-much holding is different then others. I probably think that anytime the baby is being held, even for one second, that it is wrong and a punishable offense. That other hate-creature that is supposedly me doesn't make much sense. Hate is blind, like I said) or if someone is eating more then they are "supposed" to (again, with anything like this, the hate-me's opinion of too-much etc. is different then what it should be). I guess an example I could think right now (its sort of hard since i'm am not in hate-mode right now) is say maybe if "I" saw someone driving a mini-van, there punishment i'd want them to have is probably death. Or something like if someone was using an i-pod i would want to take it an bash it into dust then hurt the person using it, especially if it was a female.
I don't know, I wish that i could get to a computer when i am in that hate-mode and write down who i am and how i am feeling, then when i am back to myself sort of see it so i can explain this better. but it usually happens at school. This could also go along with the short temper i usually have and the getting angry at nothing, too.
But another thing that may be not so good is that when I am in that hateful high, I may feel like I like it. If i am completely being controlled by it and none of the normal me is there, then it starts thinking on its own, thinking of things (which i dont know now, i dont think, i dont even remember myself thinking then, or where i was), and feeling that i like it, and daydreaming that I was in control, doing what i want with people.
I may come back to this and try and clarify things or add things, My mind is in a bit of a fog now, perhaps because i am getting all nervous and scared because I have school again monday. The couple days before school I start to freak and get scared to death to go back, but that is another story. Ugh.
Also, if you want and if you ask, I could probably think of more examples for things I think make me, or someone else weak (the irrational thoughts like that, stupid things that don't really make you weak, but that i believe do, for some reason) and also other things/actions/people/etc. that I think should be punished (again, the irrational thinking of things that should be punishable)
And another thing, just because I don't want to keep making threads on this board, is that I get angry real quick at things, especailyl certain things and certain people, and I can be very violent. And I feel like i want to be violent torwards people too, sometimes certain people, but when I think that I know I can't do that because I would get in trouble and bad things would happen, so I refrain. But sometimes when I get angry, I will throw something which usually breaks it, even if it something deemed dangerous like a knife or screwdriver, it doesn't seem to matter that it might be bad if it is thrown, but things are usually throw when they piss me off (which is usually for stupid reasons) Although no one, including myself, has gotten hurt from me being violent. And I know that if I weren't currently living with my mother, that I would be a lot more violent then I am now, because I can't do anything now or I will get in trouble, or she will see me and think something is wrong with me, and etc etc bad things happen (and remember, i am very secretive, wouldn't want anyone to know I am violent or angry or that somethings wrong, right?) Ok, so yeah, don't want to keep babbling on, but if you want me to clairify something, or ask a question or whatever, just ask. I guess I just want to know if this is a bad thing, and also why the ***l I am like this. (another thing, real quick, is that I almost wish I were a male, so that I could abuse a girlfriend, or just anyone I guess, since "I" believe that females are weak and they can't fight so I wouldn't be able t abuse a boyfriend or anyone, since I am female, because I would look foolish ,and like a wanna-be or something.)
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