I've enjoyed this forum for a while now but this is my first post, and could use your feedback. Without going into too much detail, my wife and I are having some conflict with a family member (her brother), and received two e-mails that we are at a loss as how to reply. We are unsure if we are dealing with a mental issue or not, and could use your input. I apologize for the length but I am posting them unedited, save names.
"I am saddened with the turn of events. Do you think you're winning. Well you've managed to hurt your mother a lot so maybe you do. But anything I say will probably be credited to being brainwashed by mom. You said that even before this whole spat with mom got out of hand. Anything you do in trying to force reconciliation will fail because such things always do. I hope you have enough sense to see that. I never blocked you and the door is open. There is a reason god (***********t) told (commanded) us to forgive others. Do you even know how fallen you are? Or has anger and hate blinded you. We are all fallen, even after becomming Christians. You on several ocassions told me that forgiving mother was imposible. What would God have to say about that. Everything you have to say about mom is venemous about her. You hold a deep grudge. Has your anger and hate made you more powerfull? Do you fear God? Maybe you should. I wonder sometimes if you fear anything. I know you want mom to apologize to J--- for acting like a concerned mother, heaven forbid, because you don't need a mother. You hold anger at mothers insensitivity the whole time you are insensitive to others and her own feelings. Is this Christlike? The reason we forgive others is because we are humble enough to see the plank in our own eyes. You yourself have admited that J--- treats the rest of the family or at least me like they are nothing. That he is insensitive. How are we to even know he is hurt? By the way i always thought it was odd that mom got allong with him the most. In fact she has made the most endevours to be generous and compasionate to J---. When ever you both came over mom talked to him the most because he wouldn't talk otherwise. I have tried to talk to J--- and you did not support me even though you where there and dissagreed with his behavior. Relationships are the meaning to life. What relationships are you building now? Why haven't you forced him to apologize? I know i am being harsh. I do still love you but i can't stand to see you continue to damage and ignore relationships that should matter to you. I realize that i can't force you to apologize and you could just cut me off from ever seeing both you and K----. But it feels you don't think well of me. When i told you you have a tendance to run or hide. this is what i was talking about. You are pushing everyone who loves you away and playing the victim. I don't think you care about reconciliation because if you did you would have gone about it differently. Maybe my asking you to leave the house affected you. Made you think that i don't love you. I do love you but at the time i could only take so much. You made it sound like you would not be a burden and that you would take care of things. You didn't. You left me (who didn't know you were coming in the first place and you knew that too) to take care of K---- while escaping on the internet. You also could have cleaned the bath tub yourself instead of demanding that i clean it for you as if I were some messy person who has no value. The fact that i did clean it for you is evidence of my love for you. I was being generous. But when you left K----'s and your laundry all over the guest room out and on the floor so that i couldn't walk through it. That was the end of the line. As well as speaking about mother as if she where the devil. I live with her. Who do you think your kidding? Plus Respect is earned. Nobody can say they respect someone they don't know. Kindness and respect is not the same thing. I wish you could let go of the notion of being perfect and acept yourself in your fallen state, But because you can't you are prevented from fixing anything in your life. Perfectionism demands perfection and won't permit anyone to risk failure even though failure can lead to success. Perfectionism says, "you failed last time why even try." Get out of it. Try things out. Don't just sit around looking for amusement to pass the time away."
"You are not being honest. I have seen your emails. When you upset mom that much don't think i don't look to see what it is. I do believe you have a lot of resentment towards mom. I am sorry for the strait and harsh statements but i did feel it was necessary. Maybe i don't know you but a lot of your responses are predictable. The truth is i believe you and mom to be alike in some ways. You are both tenacious. But when it comes to relationships you are a lot like dad. I know in some respects i am a lot like dad as well, but when it comes down to the philosophy of respect at all costs you are a lot alike, i have gone down that road i know it well. I know we won't anytime soon see eye to eye and that saddens me. J--- is right that it can be a he said, she said thing. I know a lot of what you accuse mom of doing you do yourself. This fighting and bickering is not beneficial to anyone. I have heard a lot of what you complain about with mom and you are not the only one to go through those things. I don't believe you even know who mom is and that is the one thing most vexing and frustrating to you. You may even believe it to be unfair, I don't know. I have tried to help you understand and know how to relate and be with her but i feel it has not had an affect on you. I feel that you have a pride issue where you cannot take instruction and you have to demand your own way. Even if it is wrong or unwise. That is your right of course but don't think we have to be fine with it. I have done simmilar things in my life and have regretted it. God gave us parents to guide us and mom really is your best guide, I hope you realize that someday. Hopefully not untill she is dead. She will not be with us for much longer do you want it to be a life of strife. It really is up to you. Mom has been extreemly kind to you but you keep trying to find fault with her. It is wrong. Even with dad i don't hammer away like you do and have learned to forgive him for not being the dad i wanted. He won't be around much longer either and i want to enjoy what ever i can. The only encouraging thing is that when people argue there is a desire that comes from hope."
Every time I re-read these e-mails my head hurts. :confused: Your thoughts and feedback are appreciated.