Hi there all,
I need some advice, thats why I am here...here is my story.
I am a 19yr old female, and I have recently been diagnosed with BPD (about 2 weeks ago). It all started about 5 weeks ago, one night I was fine, bit blue but using 'normal' coping mechanisms like watching a movie, and going to bed. The next night I was feeling really 'bad' not in control of everything that was welling up inside me, I tried all my 'normal' ways to cope, they just simply did nothing to relieve the turmoil inside, so I turned to a razor and a bottle of pills. The next morning I realised that this could only be the very begining of a downward spiral, one that i didn't want. So I contacted my local mental health team and made a self refferal. unfortunetly things went down very quickly and the next week I self admitted to an emergency department after a massive overdoes and major lacerations to my body. I was of course datained and put under the care of the team at the Royal Adelaide Hospital. I spent a week there with the outcome of nothing, I was going through a phase they said. So I tried to get on with my life, uni, family that kinda thing. Still cutting the whole time. I moved out of the family home and into a shelter for a while, but things were just getting worse. I was having these 'episodes' of depressed mood and suicidal thoughts and actions daily, its like the floor just falls out from under my feel and no matter what I do I cannot pull myself out of it, that is until I finally am so emotionally exhausted i collaps into sleep or it just switches off. During this time I was assessed by ACIS, rated not as a priority and left pretty much to my own devices. About 2 weeks ago I was admitted to hospital for a suicide attempt, detained and diagnosed with bpd. I do have some old but very upsetting childhood trauma that I am working through with a councellor and a psycologist. And I have been put on 200mg of sodium valporate by my doctor. It's just not doing anything, I am having these 'episode' pretty much daily, I hate that I have cut and I am trying to stop by doing other things like holding ice or flicking a rubber band or peeling glue off my hands. All the doctors tell me to call ACIS emergency helpline if I get bad and last night I did, I had harmed myself really bad (making me feel worse) and I was just sinking deeper and deeper so I rang them, I got a mental health nurse who pretty much yelled at me and told me off and threatend to send the police out, I am not a very self assured person at the best of times and I just couldn't hold my own so I just listened and cried.
So that comes to my question, I feel that I have exhausted all the avenues of support and help, and things are just as bad as they were when this all started 5 weeks ago. I am intelligent, well adjusted person 90% of the time and this makes me want to seek out help and not let myself give up but I just can't see any other option.