I am really not sure what is wrong with me, as I have never stayed in treatment more than a short time to find out. What do you think?
I had a very abusive (physically and mentally, not sexually) childhood. I was thrown through glass doors, beaten, limbs dislocated, thrown down stairs, mistreated and suffered a nightmare of a childhood in retrospect.
I was depressed as a teenager and the abuse was still there. I had my first standing-on-balcony-considering suicide at 16.
I developed severe anorexia at 18 and was hospitalised and continued to be anorexic and suffering depression until 24.
At that time I moved to another city and developed bulimia from 24 - 29 and was still very depressed.
At 28 I met a guy (my supervisor at work) who I really liked even though he was 15 years older than me. I don't know why I fell for him, as he was really cruel and mean towards me from the start. He would always ignore me and if he spoke to me and would criticise my hair and clothes and tell me I was unintelligent and point out the other more attractive girls in the office I should aspire to.
Even though he was my supervisor, he never have me any work. He just ignored me and I sat there all day doing nothing. The only time he would come into my office to tell me that I needed to dress sexier and wear heels. It was really inappropriate for a boss. He was sleeping with two of my other colleagues and they got great work projects and he just ignored me.
For some reason all this bad treatment and him ignoring me, made me fall for him and after I left my job I told him that I was in love with him. I have never had a relationship before due to my abusive childhood and being wary of people, but I completely fell for this guy. He didn't return my feelings and I became completely obsessed with him.
I then moved to another city for work, but I started emailing him up to thirty times each day declaring my love and I would text him. He said he didn't want a relationship and I just kept emailing him and said if he didn't want a relationship we could just have sex all the time. I just had an overwhelming need to be close to him. He had a girlfriend and I just didn't care.
I did this without stopping for one year and he rarely responded. He then started to ask me to send him naked photos of myself and videos of me masturbating and he would have sex chats with me online, but other than that ignored me. I did everything I could for him cause I felt I loved him.
After that year we did start to speak more regularly about normal things and he would always tell me I had so many things wrong with me and that I needed to improve my wardrobe, my education, my hair, my weight or he couldn't be with me. I then started trying to do this. I had been a bit overweight after recovering from anorexia and then in three months lost 30kg so this man would love me, I bought lots of sexy dresses and heels like he said and modelled them for him online.
I felt like I could tell him anything, even though he never responded and was cruel when he did. I told him all about my childhood and my depression/ED, even though he never asked and never responded. He said I could keep emailing him, but only if it was with sex stories and naked photos.
One day he just stopped contacting me and I became very suicidal and tried to kill myself, so I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital with major clinical depression. I never told them about the guy.
When I got out, I emailed the guy to tell him and to say I won't be in contact again as it's damaging me. Three months later he contacts me and says he wants to be with me and that we can be together. Then we start talking again and I resume the 30 emails each day of private thoughts he never responds to. We would have cyber sex and he would tell me we would be together. Then when I tried to make plans to see him or to move to his city he would cut off contact and I would become suicidal again.
When I tell him about my depression, he says I am just need to get over myself.
I don't know why I am so obsessed with this guy when he has been so cruel to me.
Do you think I have borderline/depression?