Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Difficulty working with person with low self esteem

Posted In: Mental conditions 11 Replies
  • Posted By: Anonymous
  • October 3, 2006
  • 08:21 PM

I've been working with a woman with very low self esteem for a number of years now. I have encouraged her and told her how "good" she is countless times. I helped her get her current job. I am a team-lead and if I have to tell her she made a mistake she ususally cries and talks about how inadequate she is or if she doesn't cry she goes into a deep depression sometimes missing work. This same scenario happened recently and I did the usual - you ARE smart, you ARE good etc. This time I added - you are your own worst enemy. You have got to get some help, you are hurting yourself and me. She said I was right. Afterwards I felt completely drained and frustrated. And for the first time I noticed just how happy she instantly became. She was practically giddy! I can no longer be there for her. I feel used and manipulated. I'm not sure what to do about her. I've withdrawn from her and she is now in a deep depression. She has complained to my boss that I'm not supportive enough.

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11 Replies:

  • Hi. it seems to me that she is an attention-seeking individual that thrives on pity. Let her find her own way!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 7, 2006
    • 10:16 PM
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  • Hello Been there done that. I am rehab worker/outreach worker. and my clients have done that. We only could do some much for them. but they have to take the skills that we tought them and go with the flow sort of speak.........Live and learn.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 9, 2006
    • 07:58 PM
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  • I appreciate and understand that I need to let her find her own way. What I need to deal with is my anger and resentment toward her for not making any progress over the past few years. I discussed the situation with our manager and he said not to talk to her about how her actions make me feel - she's too fragile.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 10, 2006
    • 01:53 PM
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  • :eek: RUN!!!! As fast as you can!!! Get out of there, another department, another job. You have an emotional vampire on your hand who has upped the ante by getting the boss to enable them. They do not have your interest in mind. They will obviously do what ever it takes to suck you dry. Your boss is a shlimeal for even colluding in this persons toxic behavior. From now on everyone of this vampire's problems will become your fault. You can not win this. It will get worse and worse. The vampire will resent you , sabatogue' you and themselves. They are not a bad person, just a vampire. I just went throught he same thing with a toxic boss and the woman sucked my dry to the point of it effecting my health. Once they turn on you completely - you might as well paint a "bullseye" on your forehead.EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES - How to Protect Yourself1. KNOW THEM, KNOW THEIR HISTORY, AND KNOW YOUR GOALThe way to anticipate vampires is by knowing how they've acted in the past. Chances are pretty good that they'll do the same thing in the future. The big mistake you can make with vampires is assuming, without evidence, that though their record has been bad in the past, that they have learned their lesson, and will do better this time. When you deal with vampires, always ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish and why. If you're not sure, don't do anything until you've thought about it carefully.2. GET OUTSIDE VERIFICATIONVampires want you to listen to them alone. To control you, they'll try to isolate you from your usual sources of information. Always check out what they say with a trusted friend, especially when you'd rather not. Vampires can't operate in the light of day. 3. DO WHAT THEY DON'TTo prevail over Emotional Vampires you must rush in where they fear to tread. Your greatest strengths lie in doing the things you can do that vampires can't. 4. PAY ATTENTION TO ACTIONS, NOT WORDSWhat vampires say is often very different from what they do. To avoid being drained, always focus on what they do. 5. IDENTIFY HYPNOTIC STRATEGYVampires are consummate hypnotists. When you see through the smoke and mirrors, their illusions don't work nearly so well.6. PICK YOUR BATTLESTo be an effective vampire fighter, you have to be able to pick the important battles and ignore the rest. You also have to avoid fighting battles you can't possibly win. 7. LET CONTINGENCIES DO THE WORKA contingency is an if-then situation. If someone does a particular thing, then certain consequences will follow. The only way Emotional Vampires learn anything is by experiencing the consequences of their own behavior. If you're ever tempted to rescue a vampire, think about what you're teaching him or her about how the game of life is played. 8. CHOOSE YOUR WORDS AS CAREFULLY AS YOU PICK YOUR BATTLESWith Emotional Vampires what you say, how you say it, and when you say it are all crucial to the outcomes you are likely to achieve. 9. IGNORE TANTRUMSWhen vampires don't get their way, they throw tantrums. They can explode into all sorts of emotional outbursts whose only purpose is to get you to give in. Don't. 10. KNOW YOUR OWN LIMITSDealing with Emotional Vampires requires a lot of effort. They may be worth it, they may not. Only you can decide. Sometimes it's better to run away, or not get involved in the first place.By ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 11, 2006
    • 06:03 AM
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  • OMG!!!! - I looked up the author of the Emotional Vampire book and will probably buy one of his other books. Leaving my job is not a option. I love my job and am good at it. It has taken me years to get to this point. What I can do is react to her differently. And as point 3 above indicates - do the things you can do that vampires can't. I'm good at this job, she isn't. I'm going to step back and watch the train wreck.Thanks for the lead on the Emotional Vampire stuff - it really freaked me out at first - as a result I now know how to protect myself.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 13, 2006
    • 01:51 PM
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  • Im not sure that you've explained the situation clear enough- but I know that I get really annoyed when people are telling me that Im smart or pretty when I know their lying. So, that was my first thought when I read your message. Im not sure if you've explained enough for me to know that she is a vampire- she could be, but was she happy because you might acted like you werent going to baby her anymore?
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 16, 2006
    • 08:12 PM
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  • I didn't say that I was lying when I told her that she was smart. My point was her behavior has damaged our work friendship and her behavior as a low self esteem person has hurt others. The work friendship was damaged beyond repair and I no longer wanted to be her go-to feel good person.Since writing the original message I've been reading and writing about anger and its root cause. This woman will never change and it is up to me to change how I feel about her and respond to her. Now when she acts like a child I don't automatically respond as her parent.I still fear the fallout of not being her rescuer. She has already turned to our boss who is very sympathetic to her. He just wants me to talk to her more!So my job is to figure out how to safely extricate myself from this emotional trainwreck of a person.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 17, 2006
    • 06:10 PM
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  • Im trying to re read the posts to follow how a low-self esteem person is angry in general- I can think of one women at a homeless shelter I met once who was constantly complaining and getting angry at the tinyest(sp?) little things. That women was mean.- I think that's what your talking about. When I read "low self-esteem" I was thinking the version that someone is shy and quiet and never confident enough to do things like interviews and such.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 17, 2006
    • 07:12 PM
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  • forgot to ask- is there somewhere online(FREE) to read for a better understanding about what an emotional vampire is?
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 17, 2006
    • 07:15 PM
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  • I just googled ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN and read about some of his other books and personality types - interesting.I'm not so sure she is an emotional vampire - but most people aren't just cleanly one personality type either. She is a victim, passive agressive, deeply depressed, timid and child-like.My husband gave me a hard time for wanting to dissassociate myself from her. I tried with her for years. I've just had enough.Thanks everybody for contributing - it helped!
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 17, 2006
    • 07:56 PM
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  • I just wanted to post a follow up of what has happend with my coworker who suffers from low self esteem. I met with a counselor and we determined that I am angry at the coworker. As I said before I've been reading and writing about it. I decided to take responsibility for the situation and talk to the coworker about how we can improve our working relationship. I reiterated to her what she was responsible for, encouraged her to ask questions and to ask for help sooner rather than later. Less than two days after this conversation she made a HUGE error at work. She then took immediate action to cover it up. She destroyed informational files to cover her tracks. When asked if she knew anything about it she denied knowing anything. She continued to lie for the next 24 hours. Our boss spoke to her and told her she had to talk to me about what could have happened. She called me at home and continued to lie about what had happened. I simply sat there silently on the phone and after about 10 seconds she admitted that she had made a mistake and tried to cover it up. We were not able to recover what was lost due to her distructive actions and our team has taken a credibility hit with our customers. Had she told me what she had done immediately this would not have had the same outcome. We would have be able to recover everything.I don't understand how a person can be so self distructive. Was she trying to take as many casualties as possible with her? There was no way she was going to get away with this because there was evidence that she couldn't destroy. Why did she dig herself deeper and deeper? She told me she plans to resign. I certainly hope that she does because she can't be trusted.This whole situation is tragic. Please everybody with self esteem issues GET HELP the world is not against you. We were so willing to help her and tried to help her.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • October 22, 2006
    • 04:46 PM
    • 0
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