Hi. I am eighteen years old. I think ive always been a generally unhappy person but the past year it is getting out of control. Firstly for the past five years of my life i have been living with the constant fear of my dad who is very sick dying. the thoughts will intrude into my mind and it doesnt matter where i am or what im doing. The image of him dying and having to go to his funeral and now messed up i would be afterwards will just pop into my head, and i will try so hard to make them go away but they will not. They make me upset and they make me cry all the time. I got vivid nightmares of it that will wake me up in the middle of the night in tears. These thoughts are UNWANTED and though my father is very very sick no one wants to be forced to experience these very horrifying and upsetting thoughts. It is nearly impossible to show any sort of emotion besides anger, and i feel a constant need for approval by others. It really bothers me when someone doesnt like me. Recently my "boyfriend" has stopped caring at me or showing any sort of interest of me being around after being madly in love with me for nearly a year. This has caused me to have severe anxiety, like the tightening feeling in my throat and chest and the knots in my stomach. I haven't eaten a meal in days and i have no desire to eat anything. I am already very thin and I cannot afford to lose any weight, i will look like a skeleton very fast. I can only eat something very small like a cookie and i will feel sick or full if i try to eat anything more. I have a hard time falling asleep and i often wake up early in the morning unable to get back to sleep. The morning is the worst for the anxiety, its like remembering everything all at once and its just a horrible feeling. My chest hurts when I breathe now and theres always that constant heavy feeling in it. Basically i feel like i live in my mind. Im always worried about something and im always feeling sad. I cant remember the last time i actually felt happy. I feel extreme guilt all the time for the ways i may have treated my boyfriend to make him not want to be around me anymore. I feel guilty when i dont talk to my dad enough or if i miss one of his calls. Theres so much more but I would definitely be rambling and I am at my wits and as of now i feel absolutely miserable. I am attending university in September and I am not happy or looking forward to it at all. I have no job though ive been looking for one meaning i stay home throughout the weekdays and i have nothing to occupy my mind with, thus leaving me stuck with my neverending thoughts. I just think too much, about everything, i am trapped in my mind and I basically feel like im going crazy. My family is clueless and don't see any change in me at all and have never approached me about it. My only options are to either go to my doctors and simply mask the pain with anti depressants, or pay money to go to a councellor and the amount of money i personally have is minimal so basically i feel pretty screwed right now. I feel so alone. I feel like i have no one to talk about this. Someone give me some insight, please.Reply Follow This Thread Stop Following This Thread Flag this Discussion
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