My current state is as follows:
I cannot sleep and somewhat fear it.
I have very 'intense' or nervous thoughts about 'reality', the self, infinity, and how things relate. I have no pending questions, I simply find it hard to keep my thoughts stable - I cannot 'flatten' my thought pattern after years and years of stress, thinking, searching, and trauma.
I have very 'intense' or nervous thoughts about the past - there is a pattern going over three strong issues - a girl who shared some unwanted personality traits with me, a situation that occurred in a classroom.
When I relax I feel I don't deserve it. I search for something to invalidate myself.
I induce 'shock' reactions that seem to rush blood to different parts of my brain by a very short sharp inhalation. I'm actually worried this is doing damage to my brain. Sometimes it feels like I almost knock myself out.
I have a ridiculous amount of trouble keeping my "self" all there, or, at least, my connection to 'the' "self". This occurs wherever I am, and is really best described as a painful state of That is, I find myself busily at work on conspiracies or ideas against myself, or recollections and reiterations of the past, formations of superficial social identities, all without any real impetus - I feel I OUGHT to THINK. And these are the things that come to mind.
Sitting in a car waiting for someone or waiting in a waiting room is impossible - I'm so uptight and can't stop the thinking I do at home. (What do I look like, who are these people, how does all this "feel", how are we supposed to 'idle', this is absurd, etc.)
I am more calm on my own, but I have a very positive attitude towards the world - loving, even. However, the presence of another person is confusing. It seems as if I cannot understand how to relate to another mind.
I think I have several personalities - created by childhood trauma; I experienced a 'rough' childhood with several cases of serious physical and emotional abuse. These memories appear to be approached in dreams - ie., I have 'pitch black' dreams of intense physical sensations with specific regions, terror, helplessness. Presumably reliving of the traumas.
--However, these traumas and the snowball effects mean that when I see another person a lot gets activated - ie. "body armor". I've looked into holotropic breathing which has been effective, and I'm thinking of looking into psychotherapy.
One 'personality' has the tendency to simply wait for something to go wrong in a social situation. ie, for me to cause something awkward to happen.
I feel like there is a distinct self-destructive element. That I want to cause myself harm or that I'm indifferent to it. At the same time I find this very stupid. I DO NOT wish to harm myself, but then I must say that I'm "tired" and "careless" because of the absurdity that exists from living with a head like this.
I feel intense rages. If someone does something that I know stems from something very ugly or weak inside them, I feel I could cause them unrelenting harm, or even fantasise about their death.
Someone laughing in the street raises my attention - without even thinking or judging I take insult to it. The same goes for comments and looks. Someone simply looking at me if I'm standing in line causes me to activate this "body armor" and feel VERY VERY bad, even though I have no CONSCIOUS hang-ups about my appearance or body image. I DO NOT ACT OF THESE FEELINGS AND SUFFER SILENTLY BECAUSE I KNOW SOMETHING IS UP WITH MY OWN PSYCHE.
I do not have any apparent attachments and can recast anyone and anything into ANY framework, whether it be paranoid or loving. I find I can let my thoughts drift and form the most absurd and "far-out" ideas and theories.
There no audible "voices" in my head, but I imagine all sorts of different people saying different things to me very often. They give advice, or they deride, depending on how I'm feeling. It's hard to know if this is the clinical definition for "hearing voices". I do feel tormented from time to time. Some of the voices are from people who have been associated with emotional harm.
IN THE END I KNOW WHEN IT'S WRONG BUT I CANNOT OVERCOME THE PROBLEMS.
Comments, suggestions, queries, want me to elaborate more... etc.?
I typed this up to see what other people can share, either advice, their own stories or just some relevant knowledge. There's certainly more I can say.
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