Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

Depression, delusions, hypocondria, guilt, psychotic symptoms etc. (long story)

Posted In: Mental conditions 6 Replies
  • Posted By: burgatory
  • February 22, 2008
  • 01:37 PM

My current state is as follows:

I cannot sleep and somewhat fear it.

I have very 'intense' or nervous thoughts about 'reality', the self, infinity, and how things relate. I have no pending questions, I simply find it hard to keep my thoughts stable - I cannot 'flatten' my thought pattern after years and years of stress, thinking, searching, and trauma.

I have very 'intense' or nervous thoughts about the past - there is a pattern going over three strong issues - a girl who shared some unwanted personality traits with me, a situation that occurred in a classroom.

When I relax I feel I don't deserve it. I search for something to invalidate myself.

I induce 'shock' reactions that seem to rush blood to different parts of my brain by a very short sharp inhalation. I'm actually worried this is doing damage to my brain. Sometimes it feels like I almost knock myself out.

I have a ridiculous amount of trouble keeping my "self" all there, or, at least, my connection to 'the' "self". This occurs wherever I am, and is really best described as a painful state of That is, I find myself busily at work on conspiracies or ideas against myself, or recollections and reiterations of the past, formations of superficial social identities, all without any real impetus - I feel I OUGHT to THINK. And these are the things that come to mind.

Sitting in a car waiting for someone or waiting in a waiting room is impossible - I'm so uptight and can't stop the thinking I do at home. (What do I look like, who are these people, how does all this "feel", how are we supposed to 'idle', this is absurd, etc.)

I am more calm on my own, but I have a very positive attitude towards the world - loving, even. However, the presence of another person is confusing. It seems as if I cannot understand how to relate to another mind.

I think I have several personalities - created by childhood trauma; I experienced a 'rough' childhood with several cases of serious physical and emotional abuse. These memories appear to be approached in dreams - ie., I have 'pitch black' dreams of intense physical sensations with specific regions, terror, helplessness. Presumably reliving of the traumas.

--However, these traumas and the snowball effects mean that when I see another person a lot gets activated - ie. "body armor". I've looked into holotropic breathing which has been effective, and I'm thinking of looking into psychotherapy.

One 'personality' has the tendency to simply wait for something to go wrong in a social situation. ie, for me to cause something awkward to happen.

I feel like there is a distinct self-destructive element. That I want to cause myself harm or that I'm indifferent to it. At the same time I find this very stupid. I DO NOT wish to harm myself, but then I must say that I'm "tired" and "careless" because of the absurdity that exists from living with a head like this.

I feel intense rages. If someone does something that I know stems from something very ugly or weak inside them, I feel I could cause them unrelenting harm, or even fantasise about their death.

Someone laughing in the street raises my attention - without even thinking or judging I take insult to it. The same goes for comments and looks. Someone simply looking at me if I'm standing in line causes me to activate this "body armor" and feel VERY VERY bad, even though I have no CONSCIOUS hang-ups about my appearance or body image. I DO NOT ACT OF THESE FEELINGS AND SUFFER SILENTLY BECAUSE I KNOW SOMETHING IS UP WITH MY OWN PSYCHE.

I do not have any apparent attachments and can recast anyone and anything into ANY framework, whether it be paranoid or loving. I find I can let my thoughts drift and form the most absurd and "far-out" ideas and theories.

There no audible "voices" in my head, but I imagine all sorts of different people saying different things to me very often. They give advice, or they deride, depending on how I'm feeling. It's hard to know if this is the clinical definition for "hearing voices". I do feel tormented from time to time. Some of the voices are from people who have been associated with emotional harm.

IN THE END I KNOW WHEN IT'S WRONG BUT I CANNOT OVERCOME THE PROBLEMS.

Comments, suggestions, queries, want me to elaborate more... etc.?

I typed this up to see what other people can share, either advice, their own stories or just some relevant knowledge. There's certainly more I can say.

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6 Replies:

  • Not sleeping is only making your situation worse. Did you know that you can get over 37 symptoms from sleep deprivation (most people don't know this but doctors do). Taking care of your sleep will go a long way to help you think straight, feel emotionally more stable and more positive towards everything. In fact, some of your experiences are being caused by sleep deprivation--to better understand what that entails since it's too long to list here see this URL:http://sleepinfohelp.blogspot.com/
    fishlettes 6 Replies
    • February 29, 2008
    • 06:40 AM
    • 0
    Flag this Response
  • Not sleeping is only making your situation worse. Did you know that you can get over 37 symptoms from sleep deprivation (most people don't know this but doctors do). Taking care of your sleep will go a long way to help you think straight, feel emotionally more stable and more positive towards everything. In fact, some of your experiences are being caused by sleep deprivation--to better understand what that entails since it's too long to list here see this URL: http://sleepinfohelp.blogspot.com/ Hi Fishlettes, I know of something whose lack can cause sleep disorders, hallucinations, mood disorders, personality changes, psychotic episodes and IBS. I know what not being able to sleep is like becasue for 25 years I couldn't sleep more than 4-5 hours a night, and then not well; never refreshed and never rested.
    Freddd 3576 Replies Flag this Response
  • Burgatory, go see the doctor. Explain all thoughts and feelings you are having. They will be able to help you.Sounds like anxiety. And just like the other guys said lack of sleep can take its toll on you.
    insomniac 6 Replies Flag this Response
  • i agree that the best idea is to go and see someone to try and talk everything over, just get it all out in the open to try and make some sense of it all.I feel like ive had some similar thought patterns to you however. I grew up with a fairly bad case of OCD and then smoked some weed at uni and my mind just completely flipped over and exploded with continuous thoughts. I couldnt control my mind, it was all over the place. Especially when you say "you feel you ought to think". I began not knowing how just to think normally anymore, i felt like i had to actively keep thinking. I felt i didnt know how normal peoples minds worked, and began to get really confused and forcing myself to think because i didnt know what i 'should' be thinking about or what you're 'meant' to think about. I also felt like i didnt know how to connect to another human mind as well. I felt completely lost in a swell of my own thoughts, and i felt like id completely lost my personality at the same time. I didnt know who i was or how i could be myself, because i didnt feel like i could get a grip of a notion of 'myself'. I was really scared (and still am a bit) that i was never going to be able to connect to another human again. Because it was like i had forgotten how to think or how to act, or how to just experience life as myself. I kept trying to relax and just be, but i felt like i had to force myself to think, and then id feel rediculous because i couldnt be myself and all these thoughts were forced and fake. It was terrible. I was also trying to grip onto the past when i used to be a bit happier and trying to remember how i was then and trying to be 'myself' again. But i couldnt do it. I was just living in a state of confused paranoid thought, never really experiencing anything.I know thats slightly different to your case, but i found that going to a councellor and just trying to explain everything, and every thought bit by bit helped quite a lot. And though i dont feel competely better i feel like im on the way. I just had/have to take control of my mind and try and work out what is real and what is not.
    Anonymous 42789 Replies
    • August 16, 2009
    • 05:10 PM
    • 0
    Flag this Response
  • i agree that the best idea is to go and see someone to try and talk everything over, just get it all out in the open to try and make some sense of it all. I feel like ive had some similar thought patterns to you however. I grew up with a fairly bad case of OCD and then smoked some weed at uni and my mind just completely flipped over and exploded with continuous thoughts. I couldnt control my mind, it was all over the place. Especially when you say "you feel you ought to think". I began not knowing how just to think normally anymore, i felt like i had to actively keep thinking. I felt i didnt know how normal peoples minds worked, and began to get really confused and forcing myself to think because i didnt know what i 'should' be thinking about or what you're 'meant' to think about. I also felt like i didnt know how to connect to another human mind as well. I felt completely lost in a swell of my own thoughts, and i felt like id completely lost my personality at the same time. I didnt know who i was or how i could be myself, because i didnt feel like i could get a grip of a notion of 'myself'. I was really scared (and still am a bit) that i was never going to be able to connect to another human again. Because it was like i had forgotten how to think or how to act, or how to just experience life as myself. I kept trying to relax and just be, but i felt like i had to force myself to think, and then id feel rediculous because i couldnt be myself and all these thoughts were forced and fake. It was terrible. I was also trying to grip onto the past when i used to be a bit happier and trying to remember how i was then and trying to be 'myself' again. But i couldnt do it. I was just living in a state of confused paranoid thought, never really experiencing anything. I know thats slightly different to your case, but i found that going to a councellor and just trying to explain everything, and every thought bit by bit helped quite a lot. And though i dont feel competely better i feel like im on the way. I just had/have to take control of my mind and try and work out what is real and what is not. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IM GOING THROUGH. im scared ****tless. are you on any medication? i feel like this is more of an issue that needs to be fixed by drugs, ya know?? i hate medication, but you gotta do whatcha gotta do.
    kmmdancer 4 Replies
    • February 27, 2011
    • 09:48 PM
    • 0
    Flag this Response
  • My current state is as follows: I cannot sleep and somewhat fear it. I have very 'intense' or nervous thoughts about 'reality', the self, infinity, and how things relate. I have no pending questions, I simply find it hard to keep my thoughts stable - I cannot 'flatten' my thought pattern after years and years of stress, thinking, searching, and trauma. I have very 'intense' or nervous thoughts about the past - there is a pattern going over three strong issues - a girl who shared some unwanted personality traits with me, a situation that occurred in a classroom. When I relax I feel I don't deserve it. I search for something to invalidate myself. I induce 'shock' reactions that seem to rush blood to different parts of my brain by a very short sharp inhalation. I'm actually worried this is doing damage to my brain. Sometimes it feels like I almost knock myself out. I have a ridiculous amount of trouble keeping my "self" all there, or, at least, my connection to 'the' "self". This occurs wherever I am, and is really best described as a painful state of That is, I find myself busily at work on conspiracies or ideas against myself, or recollections and reiterations of the past, formations of superficial social identities, all without any real impetus - I feel I OUGHT to THINK. And these are the things that come to mind. Sitting in a car waiting for someone or waiting in a waiting room is impossible - I'm so uptight and can't stop the thinking I do at home. (What do I look like, who are these people, how does all this "feel", how are we supposed to 'idle', this is absurd, etc.) I am more calm on my own, but I have a very positive attitude towards the world - loving, even. However, the presence of another person is confusing. It seems as if I cannot understand how to relate to another mind. I think I have several personalities - created by childhood trauma; I experienced a 'rough' childhood with several cases of serious physical and emotional abuse. These memories appear to be approached in dreams - ie., I have 'pitch black' dreams of intense physical sensations with specific regions, terror, helplessness. Presumably reliving of the traumas. --However, these traumas and the snowball effects mean that when I see another person a lot gets activated - ie. "body armor". I've looked into holotropic breathing which has been effective, and I'm thinking of looking into psychotherapy. One 'personality' has the tendency to simply wait for something to go wrong in a social situation. ie, for me to cause something awkward to happen. I feel like there is a distinct self-destructive element. That I want to cause myself harm or that I'm indifferent to it. At the same time I find this very stupid. I DO NOT wish to harm myself, but then I must say that I'm "tired" and "careless" because of the absurdity that exists from living with a head like this. I feel intense rages. If someone does something that I know stems from something very ugly or weak inside them, I feel I could cause them unrelenting harm, or even fantasise about their death. Someone laughing in the street raises my attention - without even thinking or judging I take insult to it. The same goes for comments and looks. Someone simply looking at me if I'm standing in line causes me to activate this "body armor" and feel VERY VERY bad, even though I have no CONSCIOUS hang-ups about my appearance or body image. I DO NOT ACT OF THESE FEELINGS AND SUFFER SILENTLY BECAUSE I KNOW SOMETHING IS UP WITH MY OWN PSYCHE. I do not have any apparent attachments and can recast anyone and anything into ANY framework, whether it be paranoid or loving. I find I can let my thoughts drift and form the most absurd and "far-out" ideas and theories. There no audible "voices" in my head, but I imagine all sorts of different people saying different things to me very often. They give advice, or they deride, depending on how I'm feeling. It's hard to know if this is the clinical definition for "hearing voices". I do feel tormented from time to time. Some of the voices are from people who have been associated with emotional harm. IN THE END I KNOW WHEN IT'S WRONG BUT I CANNOT OVERCOME THE PROBLEMS. Comments, suggestions, queries, want me to elaborate more... etc.? I typed this up to see what other people can share, either advice, their own stories or just some relevant knowledge. There's certainly more I can say. please let me know if things have gotten better for you...
    kmmdancer 4 Replies
    • February 27, 2011
    • 09:49 PM
    • 0
    Flag this Response
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