I don't trust doctors really. Actually when it comes to my mental health, I don't trust anyone. I feel like everyone thinks that I'm lying or trying to get attention because my history is strange. I was diagnosed as being bipolar, but I severely doubt it. I'll try to list what I think is abnormal. All of these problems arose during that year and stopped during that year. I'm 24.
Age 9 - Became fanatic about washing my hands after mom told family that a cold was spreading and that we should wash our hands more often. I overwashed and my hands became red.
Age 14 - Rage problems. Put on tranquilizers. This can be explained because I was going through a lot of changes.
Age 14 - Went to mental instititution because I threatened to hurt myself (lie, I just wanted out of my environment. Very calm and happy when away)
14 - Paranoid about being a pedophile (no basis)
Age 14 - Now - Depression. Last years of high school rarely showered.
Age 14-22 - Binge eating disorder. In the later years developed a ritual where no one could look or speak to me while I did it (I usually hid, but sometimes it wasn't possible). If someone did, I would have to start over.
15 - now? - Developed obsession about appearance. Used to apply mascara for hours. Missed class due to applying make-up (would apply then wash off). Would avoid as much social interaction as possible. Hid my face, took pictures for hours to find one where I looked "alright". All of that really stopped a couple of years ago, but now I sometimes fall back into it.
Age 16 - Controlling bf told me to not let guys touch me and to be hygenic. I discovered that it takes 30 seconds to kill germs, so I'd count to thirty and if I felt like I did it too fast, I'd start over. I would wash each body part for 30 seconds. Touching - I wouldn't even let a male touch my shoulder. He told me that he meant "sexual" touching.
Age 18-20 - Felt need to confess every single thing that I did wrong and if I didn't I felt like a "bad person"
Age 21 - 23 - Developed a drug problem and then a drinking problem.
23 - 24 - Became fanatic about cleaning dishes, and cleaned everything in excruciating detail.
23 - Mental institution for attempted suicide
Random past moments: Had a delusional panic attack where I thought there were aliens in my computer, wouldn't turn in assignments if they weren't "up to my standards", threw away things that stopped looking "brand new", became severely depressed/suicidal that I wasn't exceptional (genius or super-model). Former tendency to think of things in black-and-white
I know. It sounds strange. To me, it sounds like a weird form of OCD, but I don't know if that's possible because it's hopped around often and manifested itself in different ways. I know that when I was a kid (12), if I had an urge to touch something I HAD to touch it, and I was preoccupied with numbers (microwave and such) but I'm wondering if that's just part of being a kid I'm on medication for bipolar, but I still get anxiety attacks almost daily.
The last few weeks, I've had insomnia and anxiety, but I've been to work through my urge to focus on silly details for the most part. The fact that I can do this makes me feel like it's not OCD.
What's wrong with me? Or is it just a sensitive disposition?! I know this was long, but I really, really thank you for reading any or all of it <3
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