I am a 39yr old female and I have been falling apart ever since my dad died a few years ago. I have come to terms with his death even though it took awhile I am ok with it. Ever since he died I have had a fog around me, my memory is shot I have a hard time remembering most things and tend to get confused easily when I never used to before. I sleep alot during the day and have recently developed anxiety and feel like nothing much matters because soon enough I will probably die. I do not want to kill myself although occasionally I catch myself saying I don't want to live anymore. I generally do want to live just not like this. I find that sometimes when I am just sitting or doing simple things I catch myself holding my breath or not breathing I don't know why and don't always notice when I do it. I get sad sometimes and feel like I am becoming useless and I often feel like the future has nothing good instore for me and more then once I caught myself thinking nothing matters I won't have to be alive much longer. I do not want to kill myself I do not know why I would think something like that. I am not suicidal everyday is not a bad day. Since my father died my days used to be alot worse the first 2 years after I was in a serious fog nothing meant anything to me all the things I loved I could not remember it took a friend asking me a simple question that made me think about it. He asked me what my all time favorite song was and I had no idea not only about the song but any of the music I used to love which I do love music and have a large cd collection but when my friend asked me my mind was blank. I could not remember anything I liked accept 2 bands one I liked since I was a little kid and one that was more recent I tried so hard to rememeber but still don't remember it all. I used to love clothes and clothes shopping and making clothes but now I can barely think about what I own let alone what I want to wear. I used to be a very good conversationalist could talk about anything with anyone but now I lose my point and focus and sometimes forget how I know what I know or forget half of what I am trying to say. I do not have insurance I have not been working but have been taking care of my elderly mother since my father died which makes things even harder on me because not only do I have to struggle to remember my own things I have to remember hers too. I sell things on ebay and have a little bank account that I have been living off of and helping her with whenever I can. Fortunatly I was very generous to my friends whenI was working so they have been timely in giving back to me what I gave to them. I feel like I never want to wake up most of the time but I know I need to tend to my mother and make sure she is ok and has what she needs and that she takes her medicines and I have to check her sugar make sure she eats good food. I unfortunatly do not ever have much of an appetite. When I think about food it's strange anymore I can never crave anything. Like nothing ever seems to appeal to me or satisfy me. It just fills me or takes away the hunger.I sometimes put off eating for hours because I can never think of anything I want to eat even though I am hungry. I wake up alot with a stomach ache and alot of days I feel nauseous mostly all day. I am on and off with junk food I mostly try not to eat it but somedays it's the only thing I eat as opposed tro nothing but yet I gain weight no matter what not much or maybe its just because I am out of shape. Sometimes my eyes feel like they are are barely connected to my brain like I see things but they don't register or my eyes just float around in my head. Like I said I do not have insurance and I at most times feel almost uemployable anymore. I get nervous when I look for work because I cannot get up somedays and when I force myself too wake up early just to try to get back on track I get dizzy and wobbly and sometimes it passes but sometimes I can barely stand up and move without feeling like I am gonna fall down and fall back asleep. If I go to bed early I still sleep late when I get up my mind is fogged over for a good portion of the day and find it hard to focus on things . Some days I sit for a longtime before it even occurs to me to look at the clock at get moving. I generally only get up and do what I have to for my mother mostly. I seem to be ok when she calls on me but sometimes when she asks me things when I am tired I forget them and feel terrible about it. I am ashamed of the way I have become and hardly ever can make eye contact with people while having a conversation. I doubt myself and to top it off I have had extensive dental problems ever since I had a little motorcycle accident. I had some teeth that were cleaned out so I could get new fillings to replace old ones and the day of my dental appointment I was hit by someone who took off and when I got up my empty teeth waiting to be filled were broken and I could not afford the dental work I needed after that for awhile. By that time I had to get the teeth removed and a brdge made that never fit right and due to circumstances beyond my control at athe time I could not return to the peridontist who made the bridge to get it fixed. I got it while I was taking care of my dad shortly before he died I paid for it cash from money I saved from working a job that had no insurance plan. I lived in another state which I had to go back to after my father passed and when I got there the dentist told me she could not fix the one I just bought she could only make me a new one for more money then I had at that point so I still own the one that does not fit properly but I cannot say I have worn it and my teeth have taken a turn for the worst . It seems like every dentist I go to anymore just takes more teeth out and never follows through on what I need done. I have become afraid of the dentist because of all my troubles and lack of results. Seems like the last few times I went they all just took my money and told me they cannot do what I need done. I have not given up completely on finding an honest dentist but I have become weary of trusting any of them anymore. I know sometimes its me but alot of the time I tried to do whats right only to end up where I am now. I have had issues ever since an orthadontist broke a tooth putting a molar band on when I was 11 years old. They put a tight molar band on and I remeber being numb but hearing an awful crack while she was shoving it on. They never said anything and blamed me for not wearing my headgear which I couldn't because it annoyed the tooth they broke but I did not know for awhile after that they did break it. My dentist told me after I had a raging tooth infection. Anyway it's funny how I can't remember most things but I can remember when I was 11 and tortured by an orthadontist. Ok this has gone on far too long. I am sure I lost most peoples attention by now. I just want to at the very least be able to focus again and be able to wake up ok. I want to feel like I can count on myself again. I try playing memory games and reading books although I think I am slightly ADHD because I read a page and usually have to read it again . I don't want to take medicine I really can't afford right now. I feel like I am static some days. Literally static to everything and everyone I don't know why. Then other days I feel invisable. Sometimes when I speak I never get heard seems like alot of people just ignore me anymore or don't acknowledge me or what I say no matter how clearly and distinctly I say it. (I just caught myself holding my breath again) Ok anyway I am going to go now because the more I write about me the worse I feel. Any help would be appreciated I know there is not much I can do without insurance and a buttload of time to stand in line for medical assistence just to not be able to afford the meds they will most likely attempt to cure me with but maybe there is alot I just don't know and someone can enlighten me. I know I have a negative attitude but I am beyond discouraged at this point. Thanks for reading this if you do and if your wondering, no I do not think I am crazy I just am tired and a bit lost and have to make sure I am ok so I can take the best care of my mother in her senior years and better care of myself. :o :confused: :( :eek:Reply Follow This Thread Stop Following This Thread Flag this Discussion
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